Are you sick of the partenza represa yet?

Question

I know this isn't very good, but I decided to submit it anyhow. If you can offer any suggestions or critiques, I would be most grateful. One of these days, I'll produce an partenza represa I can be proud of, but until then... My muse has forsaken me again.

(untitled) suggestions?

As Sol dissolves the blackest shroud…

the blackest shroud, the darkest night.

The darkest night will soon succumb…

succumb to Dawn's auroral light.

Dawn's auroral light refracted…

refracted as prismatic hue…

hue that forms from multi-facets…

facets formed from the morning dew.

Morning dew like gems are gleaming…

are gleaming on Earth Mother's face.

Earth Mother's face in rapture glows…

glows brightly from her love's embrace.

Her love's embrace ascends the sky…

ascends the sky as twelve bells toll.

As twelve bells toll, a gift of life…

a gift of life, Sol's greatest goal.

Sol's greatest goal, to nourish Earth…

to nourish Earth with warmth and light.

Warmth and light will descend forlorn…

descend forlorn into twilight.

Twilight decants his lullaby…

his lullaby will then ignite…

ignite the sky with fiery hues…

hues that foretell a lovely sight.

A lovely sight, the sun at rest…

at rest below the blackest shroud.

The blackest shroud, the darkest night…

the darkest night the Moon endowed.

Answer 1

A  great visual of the effects of a rising and waning sun. The repetition fits this piece - in that - the stages of light are repeated - giving a sense of a two (if not three) dimensional sense to the image. Well done ♥

Answer 2

From what I've seen (and I'm sure I've missed some) you should be proud of all of them as well as your creation!

Answer 3

I love the tone of this one, and the love story between the muses. It's as if poor Sol is being cheated on, though, in the edited versions ending, but that really adds character to their personifications.

I'm a bit out of it right now.

I'll read this again later when I wake up.

("my muse has forsaken me"--sounds as if you got three of 'em right there in that poem alone.)

Mixtli

Answer 4

This is very light and delicate. The final phrase is perfect. I'd say there's been relief at the blockage point.

Answer 5

I'm not sick of them yet. You`re good at them. You are a nature-al, and so is this partenza represa. I love how you captured the night and day in this one. Makes me feel good about her, our mother earth. If you love her, she's sure to love you.

Answer 6

I'm not sick of them at all.  They are brilliant.  I would call this one Morning Dew or Auroral Light.

Answer 7

I'll be truthful and say......no I'm not sick of these, but Trigees were becoming laboursome. This one is lovely! I don't see a need to change it.

Title - "Solestia" (combo sol and celestial)

Answer 8

This is wonderful. As creator of this form, you continually set the standards for the rest of us. I still have not been able to do one nearly as good as this. The imagery is superb, especially the use of "shroud."

Answer 9

Why should we be sick of such delightful form? once again you've created a marvelous piece and I envy you. I thoroughly enjoyed your singing partenza represa as well your diction."...are gleaming on Earth Mother's face" wow, a very nice line.

My warmest compliments,

Rid

Answer 10

Very enjoyable.  The one line that I did not like involved aroud "multi-facets."  The structure lends itself to a song like beat, yet I think sometimes too much.  I experimented with your structure by alternating e.g., having a line in between. Look back at my post from a couple of days before.  I did not stay pure to that, but to me it helped to reinforce the rhythm while not detracting.  Maybe an offshoot of your invention. Enough digression, this is well done.

Answer 11

Pleasant images, I think I would want to be on a tall mountain reading this... but not tall enough for it to be cold... I could look down on everything your Sol does... as far as titles I like "A Day in the Life"; or "The sun never sets, it is the world that turns its back"; hmm... that might make a good last line to a poem.

Answer 12

This is wonderful.  I love this form that you have created.  The poem is beautiful with wonderful imagery and choice words.  Well done.