Aren't kids taken away becuase of BAD parents?

Question

why r people so into putting kids back with HORRIBLE parents? its the parents fault if they F*#*#ed up not anybody elses.

Answer 1

I am a foster parent, so I understand your frustration first hand.  It makes me so mad that they work so hard on bad parents.  But I can understand to an extent.......the state (esp. here in TN) believes that everybody deserves a second chance.  They try to do what needs to be done so the parent can get the kids back; for example, I have kids now whose parents are in rehab programs.  If they can get cleaned up, I think they'll be good parents.  And honestly, it's better for the kids to be with their biological parents IF they can better themselves enough to care for the child.  Now, in cases of abuse, I get madder b/c there's always that chance that the parents will lose control again and hurt the child.

It's hard, but I try to put myself in the shoes of the parent.  If they honestly care about their children, they will take the steps necessary to fix themselves so they can be good parents to their children.  However, I'm all for being strict on the policies so that parents will have to bend over backwards to get the state to give their kids back instead of the state just handing the back easily.  Too many times, parents get them back and then the kids are taken away again in no time at all.

Answer 2

all of this is easy for alot of people to look at it one-sided with judgemental eyes. Yes, my daighter was taken from me due to MY ACTIONS. I agree that it was my fault. Sometimes, people grow up in situations and they dont know any better. I was raised in a family with a history of drug abuse. Sad thing is: my daughter was originally placed with my mother and her husband. My mother's husband sexually abused my daughter AFTER DFCS PLACED HER THERE. Faced with everything, I knew nothing except to continue to cover up the pain of it all and continue to use. It took a while, but I checked myself into a long-term rehab, and eventually got my daughter back. I have now been clean for almost 3 years, and I haven't looked back since. So, yes it WAS my fault, but that does not make me a bad parent, just a parent that didn't know how to be a parent. I can tell you that everything I learned and have done, DFCS has not helped me any of it. I had to find the help ON MY OWN. So it not bad or horrible parents necessarily, just bad and horrible decisions made by those parents.

Answer 3

As someone who was adopted I can say the pain at NEVER knowing who gave birth to you and NEVER knowing your brothers & sisters is great.  It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.  It effects how you relate to people.  You never feel sure that people will be dependable or accept you.  I've been blessed to have a spouse who truly loves me and is there for me.  I can totally see how people have problems with relationships.  

Define horrible.  I know that my adoptive parents weren't perfect.  One was an alcoholic, both smoked & one was put in a mental hospital yet they still were able to adopt me.  In those times it wasn't a big thing.  As long as the potential adoptive parents looked good-had jobs, a house etc. that was ok.  I would HATE to try & qualify to be an adoptive parent now!  Now you can't adopt if you weight too much or smoke!! I call that sickening!!!

Answer 4

I was taken away from GOOD AND DECENT parents by my grandparents and some Nuns with whom they colluded.

Sorry if your parents sucked.

Answer 5

If you're talking strictly about children who are taken away by DCF- yes, it's supposed to be because of that.  In a system as large as that, though, there are abuses, mistakes, and corruption. So I don't think it's either safe or fair to assume that all parents who had children removed from their home were bad, horrible parents.  If you adopt older kids, they can tell you themselves what their parents were like.  Mine did. Otherwise, it's safest not to judge what you don't know for sure.

Answer 6

Yeah--I see your point.  The system is just so screwed up.  Hey WMOM, why do you keep saying that you are not answering this askers questions when you are.  Seems like you are the only one getting upset.  Lighten up!!

Answer 7

I guess it just depends on if they have enough evidence or reason to keep a child. It is sad though hovv the put some children back vvith parents that they have no right to be around because it just puts them back in danger.

Answer 8

Not all children are taken from their parents because they are bad parents. Some live in bad situations and there aren't enough social services available for them to dig out.  For others, the mother was unattached and the father may want the child, but, unlike the mother, he has to JUSTIFY that he has the money to care for his child.  

I personally have little sympathy for drug addict or alcoholic parents, but given help, some overcome their problems and can raise their children. My late uncle managed to raise his boys really well once his ex was out of the picture.  They both had alcohol problems, but he was able to get out from under it once her influence was gone.

Answer 9

I agree with You....

Frankly if anyone did anything to seperate me from one of my 4 children (2 bio 2 adopted) I would do nothing short of murder to get them back.... I was an unplanned baby for unmarried teenage parents in the Baby Scoup Era and my mother would have had to die in childbirth before anyone would have taken me out of her arms... She would have lived in a cardboard box before Any person could have Tricked her into placing me.... She was 16 when I was born...

I was 19 when I was pregnant with my first Planned baby and h**l would have needed to open up and swallow me whole before I lost my child.....

As for children taken into foster care if that had happened to me with any of my children NOTHING would have been too much expected for me to get my child back.... If I was asked to fight wild pigs I would--If I was asked to chop my arm off I would and I would use a dull knife if it proved more how muce I loved and would change whatever I lost them over....

I would walk to the moon to prove I would do what needed done.... I would lay in the snow for a month if I could demonstrate that Nothing could cause me to FAIL to be the mother I WANTED to be....Period....

I simply do not beleive that a Mother who WANTS to be a mother would do any less then Whatever it Takes to keep her child--and keep her child safe and loved....

it doesn't matter what kind of adoption someone is talking to me about---If a Mom wants to Be a Mom NOTHING would stop her and no amount of Talking or Presure would really change it.... It boils down to me to one fact--WANT and if a MOM Wants to be a Mom Nothing on Earth will seperate her from her child....PERIOD.

Answer 10

Not all birth parents are BAD parents. Some are just too young meaning they are under the age of 18. That necessarily does not make them BAD parents, maybe irresponsible, but not BAD parents. Some mothers were forced to give up their babies by parents who did not want the stigma of an unwed mother. So, please don't label all birth parents as BAD parents, just because yours and mine may of fit into the category of reasons why DCFS took us away. I don't agree in cases of nelgect or abuse that children should stay with the parents and i really don't think most people on here have suggested that.

Answer 11

Unfortunately children do not come with an owner's manual at birth. Even if they did, the child would be grown by the time the parents finished reading it. Therefore, parents tend to repeat the behaviours of their own parents, good, bad, ugly and indifferent. All parents make mistakes. Even though a parent may recognize that there is disfunction within the family, many times they are unwilling to dedicate themselves to making the changes necessary to stop the cycle of disfuncation; because it is not easy to change and it takes a WHOLE LOT of hard work and effort. It is difficult to determine the true family dynamics unless there is strong evidence of physical, sexual or emotional abuse. My son thinks he wants new parents and that he is very mistreated because we made him work to pay for the $200.00 rollerblades he wanted. I give that example to show that you can not always just take the word of the child. A thorough investigation is ALWAYS neccessary.

I don't know of anyone who had a perfect childhood. I personally believe that it is not where you came from but where you are going that counts. Yes, at some point you have to say I can't do anything about my past, but I do have say in my future.

Answer 12

While generally, I do understand what you are asking, let me pose it differently to you, based on a friend's experience.

Who makes the decision that a parent is "bad"?  In general, I do agree that when a child is abused or neglected, the best thing to occur is to have the child removed from the b-parent, provide counseling or classes to try to reunite the family, and if all else fails, put the child in foster care to be adopted by a loving and safe family.

However, "who" is responsible for choosing if a parent is bad or has bad parenting skills?  The reason that I ask this is that sometimes (as was in our case) a social worker sees a child as a "hot commodity" and tries to force permanent removal of the child.  In our son's case, removal was in the child's best interest, but the b-parents had chosen to make an adoption plan and the state foster care program tried to stop that private adoption with us so that they could put the child into their foster care/adopt program to gain the money for permanent placement.  That is WRONG.  It should always be what is in the best interest of the child.

In the case of another friend of ours, her child was temporarily removed from her custody because they felt she was taking the child to too many doctors and that no child should or could be that ill.  She fought like crazy - as any good parent would - to get her child back, and still the child stayed in foster care.  Only after the foster family started noticing medical issues and the child was finally diagnosed with a rare disorder, did the state conclude that they "made a mistake" but it still took months of court battles for these bio parents to regain custody of their child that should not have been removed from them in the first place.  That is unfair and sad.  The child is now home with his family and doing amazingly well, but to be removed simply because the state felt the child was seeing too many doctors is kinda crazy in my opinion.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that in a perfect world, children would only be removed from homes that were unsafe.  But this is not a perfect world, and sometimes it is the state who makes the error and takes children from good parents.  Not in all cases, but it does occur.

Answer 13

I agree that reunification should not always be the end goal when a child is taken away.  I'd also elect to prevent more people from becoming parents in the first place.  If you can't take care of the kids you had previously.. so sorry but you don't need a third, fourth or fifth chance to wreck a child!

Answer 14

I have personally seen my friends children taken away in NY because one screwball neighbor had it out for them, all it takes is one bad apple in the neighborhood to ruin your family.

Answer 15

well yeah some times............

Answer 16

Not all childeren adopted are taken. many especially  babies are given up from parents who don't feel they can parent for whatever reason.

Two kids that are taken the goal is allways reunification first. It has been shown that kids do better with their family especially if they are older and bonded.

( Infants can bond with anyone but the ones who are adopted still often want to know about their bio family.)  They give the parent a case plan and teach them to be better parents.  many did not have good role models and and have  poor coping mecahnisms.  They teach them how to resolve conflict without abuse, Take them into drug treatment (if that is the issue)  Make them find housing and a job. If the parent reufses or does not make adequate progress then the child stays in care and goes up for adoption

Answer 17

its so screwed up, we had two adorable kids that every time we turned around Mommy was getting them back and then running away with them, when found they were black and blue and underfed and dirty. but we were blamed for the the things they learned, like not eating in front of the TV, asking why the did not have a dresser or closet for their cloths,(mom put their cloths stacked on the floor,) they would tell here this stuff during visits.  we had our teenage foster daughter taken away because we filed a complaint that she was on too much meds, 400 mg of a antidepressant that gave her hallucinations at night then she could not wake up in the morn. plus a few other things were going on that was being ignored, so they took her and our license so right now she is living in the streets, house to house, shoplifting, staying with us when she don't have a place to go we feed her wash her cloths then she moves on. this is DCF and the system for you. there are people out there trying but our hands are tied to the point were we get screwed also. and once more the kids get hurt.

Answer 18

i agree

but i think parents do the best they can with what they know

and i think they do care for their kids and would do anything to get them back

but yeh sometimes its not really whats best for the child

Answer 19

So true. I think if you **** up royally as a parent you should have your child taken away. Drugs are an absolute no-no including weed... If you beat your child (I mean BEAT not spank) they should be taken away.

Nowdays society doesn't seem to care about the absolute well being of a child... as long as they eat, have a place to live and are clothed. How f*cked up is that huh?!

Answer 20

There are a variety of reasons children are taken away from their parents.  Not all are "horrible" parents, but people who themselves were not given best start in life and made bad choices.  Parents should be given (unless sexual abuse occured) a chance to change themselves and given resources to parent.  They though need to have time restraints on this as the children need permanence.

Yes as foster parents we have seen children go back to situations we didn't believe we in their benefit, but sometimes that parent child bond is so strong it would be worse to have them adopted.

In our case our children were taken from their parents, with cause, and no effort was undertaken by parents to change behaviour, thus children ended up wtih us!

Answer 21

some parents arent fit to be parents and shouldnt get a second chance on getting their kids back, while others made a couple mistakes that they wished they hadnt and they really love their kids and will do anything to be with them.

Answer 22

I know what you mean. In the state I live in a little girl was sent back to her parents and ended up dead. 2 years old and murdered by her parents. No words for it. In a system where they don't have enough resources to deal with the overwhelming demand a lot of mistakes (can you call that a mistake?) are made.  

Right now the money that is used for these things filters through so much governement waste it would be easier to do it ourselves locally with funds acquired voluntarily.