Arghh!! I'm so bored... Can u guys please gimme a joke that will make me ROFL... I don't care if its dirty..*^

Question

...I don't care if its dirty, offensive or something just please gimme a joke as long as its funny im alright with it... Thanx ^_^

Answer 1

NO OFFENCE TO BLONDES

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Wats the difference between Bill Clinton and God?

God doesnt think he's bill clinton

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?

A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?

A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

HILARIOUS ANAGRAMS

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Microsoft Windows = Sown in discomfort

John Mayer = Enjoy harm

Belgium = Big mule

The eyes = They see

Barbie doll = Liberal bod

George Bush = He bugs Gore

Waitress = A stew, Sir?

Guinness draught = naughtiness drug

b*****s = Bra sets

The Titanic disaster = Death, it starts in ice

Apple Products = Support Placed

Western Union = No Wire Unsent

Bruce Springsteen = Creep brings tunes

Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter

vegetarian = ate in grave

graduation = out in a drag

d**k Cheney = Needy Chick

Debit card = Bad credit

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

Jennifer Aniston = fine in torn jeans

Achievements = Nice, save them

Clothespins = So Let's Pinch

Christine = Nice Shirt

Spice Girls = Pig Slices

The Cincinnati Reds = Indecent Christian

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Confessional = On scale of sin

David Letterman = Nerd Amid Late TV

Princess Diana = end is a car spin

President W = Newest Drip

Statue of Liberty = Built to Stay Free

Laxative = exit lava

Evangelist = Evil's Agent

George W Bush = he grew bogus

Beavis and Butthead = Thus, be a bad deviant

Astronomer = moon starer

Apple, Inc = Epic Plan

San Francisco Giants- Fascinating, No scars

Pre Calculus = Call up curse

Stupid Girl = Drips Guilt

madonna louise ciccone = one cool dance musician

The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

Dancing with the stars = Winners had tight acts

Sherlock Holmes = He'll mesh crooks

Frito Lay = Oily f**t

Baseball = Babes All

Christina Aguilera = Ugly Satanic Hair

Conversation = Voices Rant On

President Bush = Burnished Pest

Action man = cannot aim

The Simpson's = men's hot p**s

Year two thousand = a year to shut down

Debit card = Bad Credit

shower time = where moist

Santa Monica = satanic moan

goodbye = Obey god

ipod lover = poor devil

Narcissism = Man's crisis

Actor Sylvester Stallone = Very cool talentless star

Funeral = Real Fun

comfort is = microsoft

Hot water = Worth tea

Television programming = Permeating living rooms

Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer

Darling I love you = Avoiding our yell

The Country Side = No City Dust Here

Flamethrower = oh, felt warmer

Clint Eastwood = Old West Action

Ronald Wilson Reagan = Insane Anglo Warlord

Saddam Hussain = Humans sad side

Sheryl crow = her slow cry

Howard Stern = r****d Shown

Ladybug = bald guy

Astronomers = No more stars

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

A Gentleman = Elegant Man

I hate school = oh so ethical

No admittance = contaminated

Microwave = Warm Voice

Austin Powers = power us satin

T.S. Eliot = toilets

A telescope = To see place

Elvis = lives

Justin Timberlake = im a jerk but listen

Mel Gibson = Big Melons

The Apple Macintosh = Machines apt to help

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Christmas = Trims cash

The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil

Schoolmaster = The classroom

A shoplifter = has to pilfer

listen = silent

Chemistry = ****, me cry

Gene Simmons = Immense Song

A Domesticated Animal = Docile, as a Man Tamed it

Garbage Man = Bag Manager

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the h**l out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

Answer 2

maybe later..

Answer 3

Every day in the office Sandra goes to the coffie machine for her break and stands and chats....Every day around the same time....Keith walks up to Sandra, he smiles, takes a big deep breath and says "Mmmmm your hair smells nice today Sandra" then walks off....

this happens every day for a week or so and eventually Sandra has had enough....

after he'd done it again on the monday, Sandra went to the personel department and said "i'd like to report a sexual harrassment claim"

Quite shocked the personel officer asks on what grounds!?

Well says Sandra, every day he comes to the coffie machine inhales and says"Mmmm your hair smells nice today Sandra"

"well" said the personel officer, thats hardly sexual harrssment now it is it!!"

"yes" said Sandra....."Its Keith the F****ing Dwarf!"..............

Answer 4

The man to brag and say "My p***s is so long, it stretches from A to Z" was very disappointed and decided to stop saying that when he saw a computer keyboard.

Answer 5

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

======================================...

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

======================================...

: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?

A: She lost the recipe.

Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?

A: With a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?

A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

A: Knock on the door.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?

A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

======================================...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go to heaven. There the find hundred steps and god tells them that they have to climp each step and on each step he will tell them a joke and if they laugh they have to start over. First the brunette ngoes she starts laughing on the 1st step. Next the redhead goes she reaches till the 25th step and starts laughing. The blonde goes next. SHe reaches till the 99th step and bursts out laughing. When she goes down the brunette and redhead ask her why did she laugh on the 99th step.  The blonde says that i understood the 1st joke!

Answer 6

A man goes to a psychic who is known to be good.

He steps in and she says

"sit down"

The moment he touches the chair the psychic screams!

"Oh my!, i'm so sorry but later this year your daughter will be raped and killed!"

The man pauses whilst he thinks about this and then decides the question must be asked ...

I know this, but will i get away with it or not?"