Arguing over my fiances ex and the child they have together.

Question

We have been together four years and his son is five. I have never really got on with his ex because she has never accepted me, and i feel she had turned their son against me( he crys if he doesnt get his way and makes up lies about me). She doesnt work and has a new boyfriend and child with him, yet she still rings at times she knows we will be alone or busy just to inform him over stupid things that can wait till he picks his son up. I used to accept it but lately she keeps changing the days we have their son, meaning we would need to rearrange our plans on short notice,(we work fifty hrs she doesnt an need time by ourselves also). I understand his son must come first and i entered into this relationship knowing this but feel im not even second best, i feel i come after his ex, he would rather risk arguing with me than his ex, because she threatens to say he would never see his son again if he didnt obey by her rules. She even gets us to babysit at her house so her and her bf can go out and we have to look after their new baby aswell as my fiances boy, even tho i offered to look after his son over night, but told her she would have to arrange someone else for their own baby as this is not my fiances baby, but again she played the dont bother seeing him again card and stop being a part time dad card. I love my fiance to bits and he like wise, but he feels his stuck between a rock and a hard place, Help advice needed on how to deal with situation, as arguing is taking place now, even though we love each very much.

Answer 1

I don't buy the "we need time for ourselves" - the mother of the child and her boyfriend also need time for themselves.  (Sorry, I'm a bit uptight with this - my friend's ex has just told her he can't see their kids on a regular , or over the weekend ).because he has a "private life"

But other than that, I think you need to see a lawyer.  Most people would agree that a set routine is important for the child, so set up a timetable.  

Also, get a caller display and don't answer the phone when she rings, let the answerphone take the call.  Or get her to use email.

Your ex won't be denied access, if he speaks to a lawyer.  Sometimes a lawyer's letter is enough to frighten the person concerned.  

Answer 2

Tell your fiance, that if he is stuck between a rock and a hard place, it's because "he" puts himself there and that enough is enough.

  Tell him, his son may affect your life, that you accept and enjoy that, but the rest "must" end.    

   Then stand firm.....tell him neither "she" nor his being a doormat to her whims, have the right to interfere with your life or happiness.

    Tell him, this "IS" the whole reason that parental rights, were made. He should have done this in the beginning, he will be given the rights to take his son, on an equal time basis, if that is what he wants, as long as it does not interfere with his education, health. And his parental rights have absolutely nothing to do with child support laws.

     He can request the days, weekends and nights that suit he and yourself.

     If she tries to be spiteful and break or interfere with that court order, she will be warned twice and loose custody the third time. Nor is the other child "any" responsibility of his, babysitting included.

     You and he need to tape any, threats or ill behaviour, to present in court, but give her no warning.

      The courts see you as an outside party, therefor any attempt at harrassing you, will be more severely delt with outside of the family courts.

      Take steps to deal with this immediately, her attemps at using the child against you will fail, when the child gets to know you as a part of his life.  The child will learn with time and explaination, that different homes have different rules and he will adjust fine, like millions of other kids.  

      It's sounds as though you'll be doing the child a lot more good than his mother, by putting a stop to the spoiled behaviour "all" children attempt, but need to be taught otherwise.

      Doing what i advise, will allow you to take back your power and life, let alone stop this ex from destroying your relationship, what she is doing is intentional and will worsen the more she gets her way or with every mood/problem that enters her life.

        

Answer 3

Man this is so common and happens usually 10/10 times, this is how it always works in these situations that probably 10/10 times. It all boils down to the ex still feels some claim to him and they always use the kids to work it. Being such a ***** and using the kid like this makes her feel like she still has some of that claim, so i'll tell ya nothings gonna change till she moves  on/gets completelly over him/ or grow ups cause this is a cheap thrill for her and she likes the control she has over the situation BUT  alittle advise to you both, as she can make it all rough but he still has as much right to that child as basically she does and if he wants to push it he can show her that, so all her mouth running is empty words. If he's got everything worked out like child support, custody, visitation rights and if all thats already agree apon through the courts then she can't do much unless he lets her. She's got it made with you two and knows it and definatley knows how to work it in her advantage to and nothings gonna change till  u two get finally tired of it cause i'll tell ya I wouldn't go as far as u have with it all. I'd be slapping his head and *** together until he got some control with her and stop being her baby sitter etc. etc .etc..  ENOUGHS ENOUGH...GOOD LUCK not many make it through this part its so hard. Tell him to get some backbone cause thats his kid and she can't change that so he has as much rights to that child as she does she just has more say so causes thats who has custody

Answer 4

There is a reason you go to court for visitation privileges. If she is breaking the agreement then take her back to court.

She can't keep his son from him - the courts tell them both what to do.

But, your finace is a wishy washy weenie. So what you are living now is the life you will have with him.

That rock and hard place are his creation for not standing up for himself. That is never going to change.

You have to decide if you can live in constant tourmoil and being last to everything in his life.

If that don't work for you then find someone with less baggage. I will be honest - I would not have lasted 4 years like that.  Even though the Ex has someone else - she is never going to let go of your fiance - until he makes her. He would have to grow a spine to do that.

But, in the end - the decision is yours and yours alone. Decide what you want your life to be then go for it!!!!

Answer 5

You really need to stand up to her and put your foot down in this relationship.  My husband has 2 children from his previous marriage and your situation was extremely similar to mine a few years back.  She threatened to stop him seeing them and used the kids as a pawn regularly but he stood up to her.  Your partner needs to get a contact order through the courts which is a law abiding document where they both agree when and what times she makes the child availble to him.  We wouldn't be without one now.

Stop secuming to her demands and she will soon realise that she hasn't got the upper hand anymore.  She may well stop him seeing his son inanger for a few weeks but she will soon realise that she needs you both to look after him, especially if she has a new born.  

Don't listen to others who may write that you will always be second best etc etc and have to accept it - you don't!!!!  I'm second best to no-one, his children and I have a wonderful relationship (ages 8 & 11) and we're a family together where equality is there and my husband agree's with this.

Do not take any c**p and tell your partner that he has to stand up to his evil ex!!!  

Good luck - it's a long hard slog (I had 2 years of it) but you will get there in the end and DO NOT babysit at her house!!!!

OMG - just re-read your question and realised that all this has been going on for 4 years!!!  4 years??????  Time to move on, it your partner won't ever put you first and it's time to put yourself first love - he'll always be tied to his ex if he hasn't done anything about it yet.  Get you partner to read these answers and it might just hit home how selfish he is being towards YOU.