Army Wife Not Dealing Well With This Deployment?

Question

This is my second deployment and it just started and I am already not dealing well with it. I have two kids (5 and 18 months) and I'm pregnant. Last deployment he left me I was pregnant with our 18 month old. Last deployment was hard but I knew that I would be fine and get through it. This one is way different for me. He just left and I'm not getting any better at all. I cry all the time, everything I do reminds me of him, I'm not eating (not good because of the baby), and my main concern is my kids are watching me go through this meltdown. Last time I think was easier because I had four really good friends that lived on my block that helped me through it and now I have nobody. They have all moved away since and the new neighbors are all trashy people. I wanted to talk to someone too see if they could get him home because I am really worried about my health and my children but someone told me that the Army would kick my husband out for that. I wanted to know if that was true?

Answer 1

There are many factors that commanders have to look at before that would kick him out. Is this going to hurt his readiness? If not, then, will it affect his work? The army is not going to kick him out if you are having problems. They wont charge him with Desertion like the gunney said they would. Because hes deployed and the only way to get him out is to fly him on military air. Anyways, what you should do is talk to a chaplin, and talk with a doctor. See if there is anything they can do. If they feel that if would be beneficial to your health, then they can request that your husband be sent home for a family emergency.  

Answer 2

I think its called a non-family care plan.  not sure though.  

just because your neighbors aren't the variety you need to be around does not mean give up.  To get help, you need to reach out.  Call your FRG leader, or get in touch with the Chaplin's office.  I think you should also speak to your family care provider on depression issues.  

the last thing you want to do is ruin your husbands career because you cant adjust.   many of us wives are goin through the same as you, and manage to cope.  Going through a deployment is hard, throw in a pregnancy and yes its harder.  but lady, not eating, and having constant meltdowns when you know something is wrong, only sounds bad.  If you know you need help, than get up and get it.  Questioning your husbands career first before seeking help doesn't add up.

we've been through this a few times.  he's missed two children being born, one while he was even stateside.  He wasn't here when we lost a twin.  He was gone when I was in a bad car accident from a d**n drunk driver.  I cant even begin to tell you how bad it got, but with a few key people, I managed to get through it.  

The thing is no matter how bad it gets, there are people out there to help you, you are not alone in this, many of us wives have dealt with "meltdowns" a time or two. just don't let it run or ruin your life.

Answer 3

What duty station are you at?  I have phone #'s for you from the Fort Hood, TX  Military and Family Life Consultants who provide FREE, CONFIDENTIAL counseling and help.  Your husband would not get into trouble for you speaking with them.  I would hope that other army posts would have similar programs, but I'm sure they could direct you to the right programs at your post.  My suggestion is to contact Army Community Service at your post, or call the Rear Detachment First Sergeant for your husband's unit.  Tell them that you'd like to talk to the Battalion FRSA, or the FRG (Family Readiness Group) leader for the unit.  The # for the Fort Hood Military and Family Life Consultants is (254) 288 - 0400, (254) 383 - 2571, 3684, 1631, 4412, 2845, or

[phone], 6240 or [phone].  Please feel free to e-mail me, I'll do my best to help out & research other contacts for you...just remember, your husband and kids need you to stay strong for all of them.  You ARE strong, and CAN take care of your responsibilities.  It helps your husband more than you'll ever know to not have to worry about the house, finances, shopping and his family's well-being, 'cuz he knows his wife is handling everything.  Try to stay positive, and know love conquers a million obstacles.

Answer 4

Not sure he would be "kicked out"......but it definitely would not help his career

You need a support group..... Most units / posts have rear detachments or agencies to deal with this problem.... Got to your nearest military medical facility......seek psychiatric help.....go to the rear detachment or military post and find other military wives -in-waiting....if there is no support group.....make one....

Keep your mind active......avoid focusing on the "negative" ......create your own positives..... make the 5 year old the "man of the house"..... become a team working together to keep the home for Daddy.....The more active you are in projects.....the less you think about the negatives

Answer 5

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. Your right about each deployment being different. They all seem to have different issues. To answer your main question, no they don't kick people out for family issues. Being the wife of a military member is the toughest wife gig on the planet. We all know it.

The best advice I can give you is to exhaust all of the support options on base before you do anything drastic. Talk to the family advocacy people, your ombudsman and any other family support programs offered on base. They have been dealing with this for a long time and you will be really surprised at the immediate outpouring of support from other people that feel just like you do or have been in your shoes before. It is important that when you get those rare opportunities to talk to your husband that you and he get the most out of your talk time. Be supportive and encouraging so he can focus on the mission. If you exhaust all of the support the Army has to offer, they will know if your husband needs to get home and no one else can get him home faster than they can. You've gotten through this before, you'll do it again. You are obviously a strong woman and it's ok to feel like you do. Use your support network. They really will help you and you will make some new friends that aren't trashy in the process.

My prayers are for you and your husband.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I have been through several deployments with kids, but not pregnant (although one time he did deploy when our youngest was only 4 weeks old.)  

One thing you have to look forward to is your 5 y/o going to kinder soon.  That may make you feel worse at first, but at my kids' school they have a breakfast for parents sending their babies to school for the first time, it'd be a great place to meet other moms with kids your kids age.  I know you feel like crawling in a hole until he returns though and meeting new people is most likely not what you feel like doing, but it's just a suggestion.  

I would set up small things to look forward to for the next few weeks and then go from there.  I would also make an appointment with a chaplin (even if you're not religious the base chaplains are a lot of help, they wont talk about religious stuff if you don't want them to.)  

I would also try to find some other wives who's husbands are deployed with yours.  I know it sucks and it feel like they should be seeking you out since you are pregnant and have young kids, but sometimes people don't realize you're still in town or in need of help if you don't let them know you're there.  Maybe ask the first sgt. if he/she can connect you with other wives in the same situation.  

Answer 7

I am an older Military widow . You need to go to the base commanders office and also your doctor first - try it that way. See if you can change the situation through channels -even write several letters to congress asking for help ; you can even write to them on-line sometimes. This is a very good time to write to congress men / woman during election year . Be very polite and hopefully mention that you are a registered voter. Try to also get help from your doctor/s for documents.

Doing something about this will help. I know how you feel.

Answer 8

As a soldier, he's doing his duty which involves sacrifice. As an Army wife, your duty involves sacrifice, too (I'm sure you already know this, just saying..). Believe me, the threats he's facing while deployed are very real, and he might not get a second chance.

The good news is that you DO have a chance to get someone to listen to you and help you with your problems. I don't know where you are stationed, but at Bragg, I know Womack Medical Center had programs and support groups for wives and family of deployed soldiers.

You stated that friends helped you last time, and you could meet some new friends to help you this time. Just like your husband needs his team to live, you need to build one for yourself at home so you can live to the fullest. It can just be too hard to deal with things like these alone. You need to get to one of those support groups.

If that doesn't work, see a psychiatrist. It could very well be Post Partum Depression, judging from the ages of your kids. I've seen it, and it's no laughing matter.

Talking about it with others in a constructive environment will help you to analyze the ways you dealt with his first deployment. Focus on the things you did that helped, and avoid the things that didn't.

Just try to realize that you have no control over what happens to him when he's deployed. I know that sucks. I empathize with you. Still,  letting go of the things you can't control is the key to staying sane. It works - I had to learn that the hard way sometimes. Hang in there, and take the initiative to get some help, please. Good luck!

Answer 9

Tina, I'm sorry that this deployment is starting so hard for you.  It really sucks when that happens.  I don't know about the Army but I know the Navy won't just bring a sailor home.  When we've had wives who had this hard of a time they've had to find help for themselves and run through the channels before the powers that be would even consider bringing the husband home.  And even if they decided to bring him home the process took time so the wife needed those resources to help her deal with life until he did return.  I would assume that the Army is similar.  

Go talk to your doctor.  She may have some recommendations for counseling either through the Family Service Center, the Chaplains Office or your Tricare benefit.  If your doctor doesn't have any ideas for you then call Military One Source at 1-800-342-9647.  The operators there are highly educated in their fields as well as having access to a huge database of local help across the nation.  Just talking to someone may help a lot.

Ask your FRG for help.  They are there to help the families but they can't read minds.  You need to ask for the help.  Getting involved with them will give you people to met who may turn into the friends you need to help you get through this.  And it may give you a way to keep busy.  Sometimes helping others also helps you.

Don't forget that you can find support online, too.  http://www.cinchouse.com/home.asp, http://www.military.com/Community/Home/1... and http://www.sgtmoms.com/home.asp all have good reputations as support boards.  You can also search the web for Army specific boards and even base specific boards.  Don't forget places like Yahoo groups, MySpace groups, CafeMom or Facebook.  I often find that the support boards have women local to me that I can then meet in real life.

And let your family know that you're struggling.  They may not be able to drop everything and stay with you for the entire deployment but it may be that having them stagger visits to you with visits home that you'll find a way to make this more pleasant.

Answer 10

"I wanted to talk to someone too see if they could get him home because I am really worried about my health and my children but someone told me that the Army would kick my husband out for that. I wanted to know if that was true?"

Yes, it's true. What you're talking about is desertion and not only will they kick him out, he could get some jail time for that too. If he's deployed, he's not coming back until his tour is up. And if he does somehow manage to get back from his post, without permission, he's in deep. Sorry, that's just the way it is. He knew what he was getting himself into, no surprise there.

EDIT: I'm sorry, I may have misunderstood you. I don't know exactly what the procedures are today, with the Army when it comes to getting someone out with permission. When I read it first, it looked like you meant you wanted to sneak him out or something along those lines. If he does get permission to leave, it probably won't do much harm to his record because when they do let you leave, it's for a good reason. Again, I'm sorry.

Answer 11

no they wont kick him out but it is pointless to even try because everyone knows that deployments are stressfull times and they wont just send him home because his wife isnt dealing so well with it if that were the case they would have to send every one of thoes married soliders home. your and army wife and you knew what you were getting into when you signed the dotted line to be his wife and have his chlidren.

right now you need to focus on what is important your family do activiies with them and get involved in the community a bit you are bound to find new freinds and suport you are not doing anything but sulking in the stress and you are letting it take over you cant do that you have to be strong for you and your family I sugest visting your chaplain or the family life center to help get you on your feet again good luck and be safe