As a First Mother, what single piece of advice would you give to a younger First Mother?

Question

Thank you for your time:)

Answer 1

There are so many good answers. The only thing I would add is find us. First mothers in my experience take care of each other. If it wasn't for the wonderful first mothers I found I would not have survived. Talking to someone that truly understands can be a life saver.Oh and don't try to be strong all the time. Find one person at least that you can open up to and be a puddle of emotion. If you keep in that much pain it will poison you  

Answer 2

If the adoption is not finalized, go get your child back.

If it is too late to get your child back, stay involved with your child's life so he/she does not grow up feeling abandoned.  It is painful to see someone else raising your child, so please get support from other first moms.

Answer 3

LOL at how many people read first mother as first time mother.  Way to rub salt in an open wound.  First mothers *aren't* parenting their children; they relinquished the child for adoption.  Sappy sweet platitudes of newborn days of parenting aren't helpful.

Sigh.

I would say to treat yourself kindly.  Everyone else does an overwhelming job of telling you how you should feel or not feel.  I say, just be kind to yourself and grieve properly.

Answer 4

Do everything you can to keep your baby.  Losing a child to adoption is a lifelong nightmare.

Answer 5

They eat a lot!  Mine did every 1.5-2 hours.  I wasn't expecting it.  Also, sleep when the baby sleeps.  I didn't do this and about ran myself ragged.  It will get better.  Good luck.

Answer 6

Two words: EDUCATE YOURSELF!!!!!

Like so many of us have said - adoption is NOT what we are led to believe. Too many people make this decision without knowing what they are REALLY getting into or WHY it is presented the way it is. Get the REAL facts from REPUTABLE sources and those who have LIVED it - not from agencies (who profit by keeping the truth from you or omitting important information).

Answer 7

Enjoy those middle of the night feedings, no matter how tired you are.  This is a special bonding time with your child that will be over before you know it.  

Also - follow your mother's intuition when you are in doubt.  Don't let anyone make you feel like they know better than you.

Answer 8

Relax and take things as they come. Your life is going to change and it may be hard but it is amazing! And, your baby is going to do what it wants and there is nothing you can do about it! My husband had a hard time with that last one. He kept wanting to "control" her schedules and stuff. I kept having to tell him, it doesn't work that way!

Listen to your gut with things. If you think something is wrong and can't shake the feeling then there probably is. Mom knows best :)

Answer 9

Heather's link was priceless and everything so right on. Magic point shoes is right in treating yourself kindly. If it's something that's past the point of no return.

How do you explain what it's like to live everyday with the worst pain imaginable? I learned not to tell people about it. Unless it's a counselor. Even someone you love and trust at the time may get mad at you one day and use it against you. You'll be in a closet for the rest of your life. Learn to like yourself. Realize that you'll suffer from PTSD and as a result, you are less likely to trust and believe people. You're less likely to have more children. Dating is a nightmare. How do you explain your "war wounds." If you had a c-section. You're less likely to be in committed relationships.

I think women who've had another child / children seem to fare better than those who don't. That's just my opinion. I would say do everything possible to get mentally healthy and try like h**l to have your own family.  

Answer 10

First of all, I would tell her to disregard all of the stereotypes she is bound to encounter (many of them mentioned by the answerer's of this question.)  And make a decision based on how she feels about what adoption is.  I would tell her that this decision is about you and the child.  Not what people say will happen to either of you.  YOU are the one who creates your own reality.  If you want to place a child and deny it and feel guilty about it for the rest of your life, you can.  But you don't have to.  You place a child with a beautiful couple of your choice that loves you and wants you in their life.  You can have a whole new family.  People choose to feel sad and guilty.  If you believe your decision would cause you that much grief, then adoption is not for you.  

I also would tell her that if she thinks she is not strong enough for an open adoption, she shouldn't go through with it.  Without any contact, or acknowledgment that your child exists, you are in denial.  That is an unhealthy state.  Not knowing is much more painful than knowing.

I also would advise really getting to know the adoptive parents.  If they aren't interested in you or don't have time for you, they aren't right.  

Answer 11

To read this - what the agencies won't tell you

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

Answer 12

What would I suggest?  Be prepared to have to get counselling or be on medications for ongoing unresolved grief and loss,  severe depression, PTSD, anxiety disorders, shame, guilt, anger, and other consequences -- especially once the shock and numbness wear off (which could take anything from a few months to several years).  Denial, dissociation, and repressing memories are what may help you survive.

As well, be prepared to be reviled by friends and acquaintances as someone who heartlessly gave away her baby, and hence an unfit mother (and yes, "voluntarily: surrendering a baby to adoption can put you in the sights of CPS if you have another baby, and can be used against you in child custody disputes).  

Be prepared for your child to hate you for the rest of your life for abandoning them as an unwanted and unloved baby -- this may come out as rejection, anger, and a refusal to have anything to do with you. But they may also be 'polite' to you and thank you for not aborting them.  Do not expect any type of post-surrender or post-reunion relationship and be grateful if indeed you do have one.

Be prepared for the loss of grandchildren and all future generations.

Read up on the trauma you may face: especially writings by Joe Soll, Judy Kelly, etc. Read up on the social system that forced you to surrender: especially writings by Rickie Solinger, Mirah Riben, Ann Fessler, Joss Shawyer, etc. and realize that with the support you deserved, that was your right, that you would have been given in other countries, you could likely have kept your baby.

And see the art linked to at the blog mentioned below.  It is so true.

Answer 13

Felicita said it all. Be prepared for a life of pain that never ends until one day you are graced with a reunion that turns out good. Get counceling because you will never get over it, you might push it down so far you that you have lapses of memory of giving your child up, but the memory always comes back of giving birth and coming home empty handed. The pain and sadness never goes away.

Think before you give your baby up. She would be better off with you.