As a Parent of a adopted child, that has been contacted by the?

Question

Birth parents,how did you handle it and did everything work out ok or not??? Thank you.

Answer 1

I went to visit my son's birth mom in jail the afternoon before we brought him home. She'll be locked up for a while still. She broke his leg when he was three weeks old.

Answer 2

The bio mom contacted me a couple times......she was arrested two days afterthe adoption for drinking....which was in violation to her probation for dui....drinking caused several issues placing the children in fostercare with me.  She called wanting to speak to the kiddos after shewas released and I told her no.....I couldn't justifiably make a sound decision as to whether she was drinking or not and I did not want to subjuect them to any comments that she may make drunk.  The purpose of adopting them was to protect them from that kind of stuff.  Then she called a couple weeks later wanting to bring her brother over to meet his "niece and nephew" whom they had never met.....keep in mind 4 and 9 and also told me she was pregnant. I again said no, it was too confusing for both of them.  I talked to the kids about it asked how they felt about communication, and they both said they didn't want her to call.  The oldest said he would rather have her write may be but wasn't sure, that way he could decie to read it or throw it.  

The bio father didn't want contact for 8 months then expected that he had the right to talk to them on the phone and mail stuff to the great grandmother to bring over.  THis was his issue...he only wanted to talk to them when it was a situation that he could use in his favor.  Come to find out he wanted the ssn so he could claim them, 'cause he felt he still had the right to do so.  And he wanted to send pictures of his house, yard, dog, truck....etc.  All stuff they couldn't experience with him.  Again the oldest said he could call, but didn't ever want to be asked to talk to him, and said he could mail stuff to HIS address not his great grandmother.  Then the oldest asked for the phone number to be changed and didn't want any further contact because the bio dad refused to mail to the new address.  We had to tell the great randmother she was no longer welcome to bring anything over from the bio father because it was hurting the kids not helping them....she agreed as both threw the boxes away and refused to open.

I now allow neither to call or communicate witht he kids.  I do keep memory boxes for them with pictures of their half brother and addresses and phone numbers for both.  I will give them to the kids when theyare ready later in life.  They need time to adjust and not feel hurt or threatened.

Answer 3

I'm the adoptee, but my parents handled it really well when my bio mom contacted us when I was 16. The agency that I'd been adopted through called them and told them she wanted contact. They sat me down and told me. They were supportive but didn't push me into anything. She wrote to me, I replied. I believe my parents wrote to her separately and were very welcoming. She lives in another country so it was harder to meet face-to-face, but my parents and her set up a meeting. They were there when I met her, we all sat around and talked for a bit, until I felt more comfortable. Then we arranged to meet up for lunch. My parents went off shopping and me and my bio mom went to a museum to hang out and chat.

We're still in contact and have met up a few more times. My parents have invited her and her family over to our house a couple of times, which is cool.

I'm now in counselling, partly due to the reunion (although its been successful) & due to other reasons too, but that was my decision. My parents have always been supportive and never pushed me into or away from anything.

Obviously, it depends on your child's age how you go about the contact, but I'd strongly advise getting in contact. If your child's old enough to contact the bio parent his/herself, then let him/her do so, but maybe you as the adoptive parent can also contact the parent separately (let your child know you're planning on doing so) to welcome the parent to your family and show your support for the reunion. My parents' support means the world to me and I'm sure it will to your child too.

But read some reunion books if you can. Counselling for the child (& maybe yourself) may be a good idea. Although reunions can go amazingly well, they are usually overwhelming and talking to a stranger (especially if they know about adoption) can help immensely.

Answer 4

I'm 58 and just found out April 12, 2007, that I'd been adopted.  Funny thing is, I've suspected since I was 12 years old.  Now I'm really angry with my "adoptive" parents, who are both dead.

I'm happy they "adopted" me.  I put quotes around it because I was not legally adopted.  The doctor did everything secretly because my birth grandparents didn't want my birth mother to shame them by giving birth out of wedlock, and nobody wanted anything to be able to be traced.

So whatever you do, tell the truth.  If you have a decent relationship with your child, it will work out okay for you, and you can be there for him/her if it doesn't work out.  Just be there for support, and be truthful.

All memories of my Mama are tarnished because of the huge lie.  I may NEVER find my birth family, and I have medical issues to deal with, and so do my son and youngest grandson, so I'll probably always have negative feelings toward my dead parents because they didn't tell me the truth and my children and grandchildren could suffer for it.

Oh, and please don't anybody tell me how grateful I should be that I was adopted.  I'm fine with that part, just not with the lies.  I don't care if it was a different time back then.  My parents should have trusted my love enough to be honest.  Honesty was always a HUGE thing with them, and now I call my Mama a hyppocrit.

I once read a quote that said something like "Adoption is the only tragedy where the victim is expected to be grateful".  

Bummer...

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