As a SAHM do you ever feel like this...?

Question

I was a working single mom for awhile then I remarried about 2 yrs ago. I have a 5yr old and a 1 yr old and have been a SAHM since our baby was born. I know I shoud be grateful but I am starting to have so many issues.I am starting to feel almost jealous of my sisters and friends who work because they all seem to be financially alot better than we are. My husband is a pipeline foreman and makes very good money but I am blowing our budget each month. I feel so much guilt from feeling "non contributory". My husband soesn't complain but my own conscience nags me. I keep telling myself that my kids will not be little forever, just enjoy it,etc. but it does little to quell my feelings of inadequacy . Working parttime is not an option because the cost of daycare and gas isn't worth it. I tried it. What does your family have to do without for you to stay at home? Do you ever feel like this? If so , what do you do to pull yoursefl out of it? I am educated ( I am a nurse)but I feel now like people assume I am not capable of anything but cleaning and changing diapers. How can I get past this ? I WANT to be here with my kids but kcik myself when an unplanned expense comes up because I think, "Well, if I were working, we wouldn't have this to worry about".

Answer 1

I am sorry to hear you feel this way. I am not the SAHM type. I enjoy working and being the bread winner in the family. My husband is a full time student and part time worker. I get the kids ready every morning and out the door to daycare/school and pick them up every evening. I sometimes feel guilty that I work instead of staying home but I take them to the park on Saturday for a picnic and then go to the ice cream store and I realize that sometimes the cheap non budgeted things are wonderful too. We are on a tight budget while my husband is in school but what can you do? Sometimes you just go over budget. It's not the end of the world and honestly you and your kids probably won't remember it 5 years from now.  

Answer 2

I'm a SAHM too.  Sometimes I wish I was out in the work force again but I wouldn't have the freedom to do all the things with my kids that I do now.  I don't believe that since you stay at home that you can't have nice cars and take nice vacations!  That's ridiculous!  I have both!

Just think that if you were working you'd have to put your kid in daycare and that would definitely cut into your take home pay.  I would look into working once your littlest one is in elementary school.

Btw, just stick with your budget and half your troubles will be gone!

Dawn

Answer 3

I feel like this some days too. I think we all do at one point or another. I just remind myself that I'm the best person to be raising my baby and right now that's my job. We do go without a lot of things, yes, but we manage.

Just keep reminding yourself to enjoy this precious time. Once it's gone you won't be able to get it back and you'll miss it. Just take things one day at a time.

I know there are some SAHM that do side things like selling Avon. Have you looked into something you could do from home to make a little extra cash?

Answer 4

You definitely do need to change your thinking.  First of all, don't compare yourself to your sisters and friends.  Comparing yourself never helps anything, no matter what situation you're in.  The grass IS always greener on the other side.  If you were working and they were home, you'd be saying that you watch how they get to spend all their time with their kids and have time to go on playdates and do all these things that you can't do because you're at work.  

As far as the money issue goes, stick to your budget!  You can make it work and feel like you have money to spare.  Learn to shop frugally.  I LOVE clothes shopping because I've learned how to find good deals everywhere, even if all I do is check the bargain racks at every store I'm at.  I've found awesome pieces of clothing for as cheap as $1, just by happening upon it, and I don't ever overspend my budget in that category.  

And you ARE contributing.  You are taking care of your children and spending time with them.  That is priceless.  It is worth so much more to give your children your time than all the things money could buy them.  Find things to be happy about.

I don't feel like we do without anything because the thing of greatest importance to me is that I spend quality time with my kids.

Answer 5

I feel the same way.  Excpet i am going back to school to be a nurse so that i can bring money into the family.  They only thing that sucks is that for a family of 3 we are living on $15,000 a year and it get really hard so i dont have much of an option.  As bad as this sounds i need to get away from my daughter.  I love her so much but i need sometime to get away, even if it was to school or work.  I know how the part time thing goes too, its just too hard finacially for a mother to go back part time, your right its not worth it!  All i cant say is since your one child is going to be in school maybe you can find a job with a daycare built into it, which will cut down on costs.  I know alot of hospitals in New York have daycares in them, maybe you could find something like that

Answer 6

This is exactly why I didn't leave the workforce. I go back and forth on this issue. My husband has asked me to stop working but I'm still undecided. I like the little extras we get thanks to my income, which are vacations and better vehicles plus I take care of every expense concerning our kids...Maybe just enjoy it for now and go back to work when they are in school. It's a difficult one. I hear you.

Answer 7

Oh sure I do.  I feel that way at times, like I'm not anything more than a nanny or a housekeeper.  I have those days.  It's not uncommon either especially if you used to work.  I just remind myself that I am contributing to the family and I am working....a mother's work is hard work.  You have to take on many roles:  A teacher, a cook, a nurse (perfect for you!), a disciplinarian, sometimes a drill sergeant, a chauffeur, a wife, a cleaner and organizer and someone who can be turned to for comfort.

If you want to go back to work, see if you can get a job as the school nurse at your children's' school or daycare.  Then you can be close by and see them and still be able to work.

Answer 8

well, crunch some numbers.  if you find after transportation, food costs, and daycare costs you would still be bringing home a significant amount of money, then you may want to reconsider your options.  being a SAHM isn't for everyone.  you'll still be a great mom (perhaps even better) if you work.

if you find that even with working (once factoring the costs) that you'd be bringing home like 100 extra bucks a month, working may not be worth it to you.

*edit:

well then, there you go.  you shouldn't feel guilty.  if you're making the same amount of money (even if it's nothing), what does it matter?  if the water pipe breaks (for example) either way you can't pay for it.  stop feeling guilty.  i'm sure you and your husband talked about this before you decided to become a parent.  kids are expensive.  it's the cost of children that is the "burden" so to speak, not that you're not working.

Answer 9

Im sorry your feeling so down about not working.  I am a SAHM also, I worked part time at my job after I had my daughter but decided to leave.  Im going to school full time to become a RN, so my thinking is that in the end, I'll be able to give back to my husband.  He has a bad back so once Im done, he's going to take some time off to get everything fixed in his back, and he can be the stay at home dad.  I know that the hospitals around my area have weekend shifts open for part time.  If your really wanting to work, could you do a Sat and Sun shift part time?  As for what we do without, really nothing.  We have internet and cable, we are on a food budget so that can be a little hard.  I dont get to buy new clothes every year if needed because we now have a daughter.  We dont have a home phone line, just our cell phones, which were on a family plan.  Just try to budget better.  Try to cut your food bill down, dont go out to eat a lot and small things like that.  Dont compaire yourself to other people, just be thankful that you have a husband who loves you and your children, and who works hard for you guys.

Answer 10

I actually love being home with my son, but I do know about the whole budget thing.  I started looking after a 3 month old full time and bring in an extra $150/week cash.  I also took a part-time job on weekends.  Although it's not much, it does really help.  Maybe you could try watching another child.  I suggest one a bit older.  My son is just turning 1 and watching a 3 month old is a bit difficult with my son here also.  Very frustrating.  It would also give your older child a playmate when he/she is home.  There is also the Avon or Mary Kay thing as someone else mentioned.  I couldn't do that cause i'm just not a good sales women.

Answer 11

Honey I feel the same way! I am about to graduate from nursing school and had to take some time off to have my baby. But I could work as a patient care tech. I feel like I am a leech to my husband. He's never complained and we do make ends meet, but I feel bad. All I can say is don't let it get to you. You are raising your children which is something you will never get to do again and you will be there to see all their "firsts." I know it's hard to sit at home by yourself all day and make a life of changing diapers, cleaning messes, endless laundry and dishes and screaming babies! My husband gets off work at 4:00 and by 2;30 I am watching that clock! If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me! [e-mail]

And don't feel bad.....if you are all eating well and all bills are paid. You have nothing to worry about and like you said, daycare is so expensive it would be pointless to go back part time. Just take this time to enjoy your babies. When you're back at those 12 hour shifts, you'll miss them dirty diapers! Hope you have a good day!!

Answer 12

I can absolutely understand where you are coming from. I work part time, so I can be home with my kids most of the time and still keep afoot in the workforce. (My employer eventually pays for the kids college education) But it is very conflicting.

It will get better when your little one is a little older and you can plan more activities and educational outings with the baby. It is like you can not ever win. If I am working, I am neglecting my kids.  If I am at home, I am not contributing to my family. When I am cooking and or cleaning, I am not focusing on the kids. When I am out on a fieldtrip with them, I feel bad that their father can't enjoy a fun day with us at the zoo, park, whatever.  

I have simply learned that it is really all about how I perceive it. I also got involved with a MOMS club in my town and it is really nice to have other Moms and kids who share my values and we can do activities together.  I try to find as many ways as I can to save money and I consider that part of my contribution to the family.

I will tell you being at home with the kids can be fun, but it is a different kind of stress than you ever face at work. My work days are usually easier (I have time to answer questions). Hopefully your husband is supportive and understands the sacrifice you are making for your family. That can make all the difference.

Good Luck.

Answer 13

I am also a SAHM and I often share your feelings of inadequacy and guilt.  There really is no way to eliminate those feelings completely - especially when you're performing what may very well be the most difficult job on the face of this Earth all the while people look at you as though deciding to stay home automatically means you're either a:uneducated or b:unmotivated to enter the workforce.  (btw: I have two bachelors degrees and my masters, and fall into neither category, as most SAHMs don't).  That being said, something that helps me is to play mind tricks on myself.  Keep track of the money you're saving your family - look up local prices of daycare, housekeeping, carpentry, transportation, personal shoppers, and of course NURSING, and keep a little list of those costs posted somewhere where you will regularly see it.  If your family hired people to do all those things, it'd blow the budget way beyond what both you and your husband's paychecks combined could afford.  Also, think of part of your job as stretching each dollar - clip coupons, shop around for the best deals, buy generic, buy garage sale or thrift, and that will leave a little extra wiggle room in the budget for those times you absolutely *must* blow a couple bucks on that ooey gooey oh so delicious hot fudge sunday!!!  And of course, remember, our economy is in a serious financial mess.  Inflation is soaring and your husband's real income is dropping.  The pinch you are feeling is probably due more to those economic factors than any shortcomings of your own.

Answer 14

As a SAHM, I cannot say that I exactly feel as you do. Contrary to popular belief, staying at home is one of the most difficult things to do.  Raising children is not a walk in the park and not for the light hearted.  Congratulations on making the decision to stay home.  You are making a very important sacrifice for your children.  That being said, because I stay at home we have made many sacrifices.  We don't have any cell phones, rarely go out to eat or out at all and don't buy anything frivilous.  My husband makes good money but we still are living paycheck-to-paycheck.  You need to stick to the budget, no matter how hard it is.  We have set aside $500 for groceries a month...so I stick to that.  Some months we have money left over other months we don't.  One way to ensure that you are sticking to your budget is to try the envelope method.  For instance, if you have set aside $600 a month for groceries, then every time you go out and get groceries for the month you put the receipt in an envelope and write on the front of the envelope how much you have spent.  That way you can quickly see how much you have left over for the month.  My husband and I are going to start doing this...not because we go over budget but because it gets pretty close sometimes.  Another thing is, I don't understand why you cannot work some nights when your husband is home.  That way there wouldn't be the expense of a babysitter or day care.  I thought of doing that.  My husband is supportive...but that way he will be home with our children and then I can work a few nights a week.  Everyone wins in this situation.  My husband spends more time with the kids independent of me and I get out and have time for me.  Just a suggestion.  Either way, good luck in whatever decision you make.