As a parent, how would you react if this was your daughter?

Question

I have been dating a man for a little more than a year, and we get along great! We are both successful professionals in compatible careers - he works in venture capital and I am a patent attorney (passed the bar exam less than a year ago, and even though I am 26, have my PhD/JD degrees - started college at 16, grad school at age 19).

Before we started involving family , everything was perfect. I am 26, and he is 54 (unfortunately, he actually has a daughter 2 years younger than me from his first marriage - and needless to say, she hates me). His parents aren't happy and my parents are livid as well - my brother wants to "take him out." Aigh. It might sound naive, but I never even thought much of the age difference - I just enjoyed being with someone who was my intellectual equal.

As parents yourselves, how can I appropriately deal with this? I don't know how to get my family to accept him and vice versa (esp the parents)?

Answer 1

If you really want to be with him, I don't see anything wrong with it. Your family can't force you to do anything you don't want to do.

Answer 2

It is kind of weird, but I am in no position to judge. I understand what it feels like to want someone with whom you are on the same level. What you have to do is put yourself in everyone else's shoes and realize that this is not something they could deal with easily, especially for his daughter. I am sure she feels embarassed to have a mother-in-law who is only two years older than her. She might even feel that you are only with him for opportunity and not love. The best thing you could do is show her respect at all times and just love her father. In time she will realize that the both of you are happy together and that you have been nothing but good to the both of them. Do the same with your family, just tell them how much you love him and show them too. Try to get them in your shoes (age is no concern to you, you just want to be happy).

On the other hand now, I want you to think about what you are doing. There might be a time when you want to have kids, don't you want to have a dad for them who is going to be around for a while, take them out and play with them. Also, each day you two are together you are going to build a stronger bond, chances are he is going to die way before you do, will you be ok with that? Accomplished but still very young, ask yourself questions about the future.....will you be ready for all that is to come?

Answer 3

Wow, I'm shocked by all the negative remarks being made. Personally, I don't think 54 is THAT OLD. And I also don't think 26 is THAT YOUNG. I'm 31 myself, so maybe that's why. I think your age difference is just fine.

Now, a relationship involving a 19-year-old and an 89-year-old is a different story, but I don't see ANYTHING wrong with your situation! And to all those screaming "ew disgusting," you must not realize that many middle-aged people are still very energetic, attractive and s**y!

Just to name a few.....

Johnny Depp - Age 45

Tom Cruise - Age 46

George Clooney - Age 47

Patrick Swayze - Age 56

Chris Noth (s*x & The City) - Age 54

Bruce Willis - Age 53

Denzel Washington - Age Age 54

I don't know about any of you people, but I wouldn't throw any of those guys out of bed!

I'm glad you found your intellectual equal and a really great guy! They are few and far between these days, so hang on tight and don't let that one go. As for your family, well, once they get past the "shock" of it all and realize you guys aren't going anywhere, they will just have to get over it and accept you for what you are - a couple. You are an adult now (and a very accomplished one, at that) so they should trust your judgement by now. Good luck!

Answer 4

He could be your father -- that's why you're mother and brother are upset by the age difference. Theres not too much you can do -- except just try to point out the reasons you are together and show them the type of person he is. Good luck :)

Answer 5

I'm not a parent...but I'll be one in December and I'm pretty sure (only about 100%) I'd flip if my daughter was in this situation.  My father is 51 and my older sister is 24.  In my mind your story just twists into my father dating someone from my sister's graduating class and it makes me want to vomit.

The race difference doesn't affect me in the least.  It's just the 28 yr age difference.  I'll be having my first child at 21...that means that later I could marry their classmates??  ick ick ick

Answer 6

As a mother first of all congrats on your schooling. Your family will always love you. I believe that family comes first. Has he asked you to marry him, or are you living with him. Do you even see your self with him in the future? That's what you need to ask your self. Is your relationship strong enough to lose you family.

I never would of dated of married a guy that my parents didn't approve of. I guess because i wanted them love him as much as i do. So it's up to you if you willing to have love ,and lose love.

Answer 7

ewww you're only TWO YRS older than his daughter????? noooooo stay away from him, that's just wrong, please don't be with him...

Answer 8

I would say to plan a little get together, have them all take a seat and confront them in the open, but with respect. Mom, brother I know you both have a problem with age difference and so on and the same to his family in which he would confront his sister and who ever else. And tell them, you can't control who you fall in love with, and faith has it's own way.

I'm pretty sure that at one point when they fell in love they weren't accepted 100% by each others families.

Answer 9

It is my personal opinion that the media is to blame for the current image people have of olderman/youngerwoman relationships. They treat every relationship in which the man is more than a few years older the same way they treat one that involves an under-age girl. You are an adult, he is an adult, you are both clearly clever people who can make up your own minds. People need to get their noses out of other people's business and stop casting judgement on those who have such relationships. It's the fault of the media - "oh, he's older than she is, he must be a pervert!!!". You're a grown woman. If you love each other who cares what other people think? This is the same as casting judgement on couples who happen to have different skin colours, or something else equally trivial.

Answer 10

I'm sorry to say that there is nothing you can do to change your family's opinion of him.

Answer 11

I suspect it's gonna take some time for your family to accept the man you are dating with open arms. Please look at the situation from your family's perspective and you should understand why they are so upset. You are their child/sibling and they want you to be happy but your dating situation falls outside what they accept as "normal."  Be patient with your family and his and allow them to get better acquainted with you and your friend. In the end, if neither family will/can accept your relationship, then you both must decide how important the family members are to you and how their non-acceptance will affect your relationship. Then whatever your decision is, STICK TO IT. Good luck.

Answer 12

I can understand where your parents are coming from, naturally.  I am 29 years old (recent mother of twins).  Interestingly, I am also a patent attorney - congrats on passing the bar and your career choice.

Before being with my husband (who is 3 years older than me), I was with a man where there was over a 20 year age gap (like you).  I faced similar reactions.  I felt like people thought I was disgusting, and he was disgusting also.  The fact that I had a physical relationship with this man was repulsive to my guy friends, but not really to my girl friends (he is a very attractive man).  

Ultimately, we broke up not because of age, but because he felt insecure when I started earning more money than him (it's easy to trump most professions as a patent attorney - but he had a very good job).  That might not be an issue for you.

I think it is good to think about the future - kids, the potential of being a young widow....  But if you are ultimately OK with that, show your family his good characteristics and they may not ever completely approve, but they will come around.

Answer 13

that is discusting. your in your 20s and he is in his 50s. that is kinda weird. but if you like him then your family will have to deal with it.

second person: well your a beautiful young woman and well 54 is almost 55 which is almost senior. i mean 40 is stilll weird for you, i think you shoiuld find someone your own age, HISS sperms are dying.

Answer 14

if it was my daughter and she's happy, i have nothing to say about it.

i had something to say when my then-16yr old daughter started dating a guy who was in the army but since they got married (5yrs ago) and are happy as bugs in a rug, i have nothing to say about it.

tell your family to back the truck off.  you're a big girl and it's your life.

Answer 15

That's pretty strange to me that he is old enough to be your dad and I am sure you have s*x with him. but I guess my advice would be to live your life the way you want and if your family accepts it, fine. If they don't, well then do not sit around worrying about it. Since they seem to have a problem with your 54 yr old boyfriend, then until they learn to accept him, just go visit your family alone. When you do tell them you are there to enjoy the company of your family and not get ridiculed over your relationship with your boyfriend.

Answer 16

You have a whole bunch of problems including race, age, the baggage that a daughter brings and 2 families that are against it. You sound like a good catch. Can't you find another good situation to be in. Guys would probably fall over each other to be with you. There are just too many negatives to your relationship and over time these negatives will make you unhappy. Another thing. If he dies in 20 years, you will be 46 and alone. Its hard finding somebody at that age. Men at that age bracket want younger girls. Keep looking.

Answer 17

Being that you are a 26 year old accomplished adult I think you are the best judge on what works for you. If you feel strongly about him in a romantic way, continue the relationship. Your family should show you love and acceptance unconditionally. As far as his daughter that is a tough one. I'm sure that if you two stick it out and continue to have a strong healthy relationship his daughter will eventually except you. It probably wont be easy but its up to you to decide if your relationship with him is worth all the chaos.