As a parent who has adopted children (adoptees) why not listen to opinions of adult adoptees?

Question

As a parent who has adopted children (adoptees) why not listen to opinions of adult adoptees?

Answer 1

To be honest I think the good ones do, because they want to be the best parents they can be to their children.

The ones who get nasty to adult adoptees just don't want to know - seems that they think they know it all and will be dictating how 'their adoptee' thinks feels and behaves.  

I think it's called wilful ignorance - the worst kind (you know, fingers in ears going 'lah lah lah, I can't hear you' and if they do hear you they say 'lah lah lah my adoptee won't feel that way' or 'not all adoptees feel that way y'know' blah blah

Answer 2

why listen 2 crazy peaple?  u should only listen 2 the adopts who make sense

Answer 3

Ditto to what Jennifer L. said.

Answer 4

I am very interested in listening to the opinions of adult adoptees, particularly the international adoptees because that figures into my own family.

I am uninterested in being attacked, insulted and treated with discourtesy and disrespect.  If someone cannot state their points without it turning into a rant, personal attack, or foaming at the mouth with unverifiable statistics, I frankly stop listening.  

I am interested in civil discourse, even with disagreements.  Not name calling and other childish antics.  

If someone cannot state their points in a respectful and courteous manner, it's time for them to go back to the drawing board.

Answer 5

Well that really depends on the situation. As overbearing as I can be, I don't think that every parent who formed her family through adoption should listen to each and every thing I say ever day about everything.

But I'm not saying it wouldn't be a good idea.

  

Answer 6

Because some adoptees here are shattering the "win-win-win" myth and it's pissing off quite a few adoptive parents. ;)

You know which adoptive parents I speak of.

Answer 7

I think people should definitely listen. Those voices are important, and even if they make us uncomfortable or we end up disagreeing, hearing that perspective presented is incredibly valuable.

That said, I think people should also realize that the voices you'll hear on internet sites and in blogs are extremely self-selecting-- meaning that they chose to voice their opinions specifically, so those opinions are likely pretty strong. (I definitely include myself in that statement.) That doesn't make them wrong, of course, but that also doesn't necessarily lead to balance. Likewise, all of us are selective about the sites we choose to view, so simply what we're looking at may limit us. (Please note, this applies to pro-adoption, anti-adoption, and everything in between.)

I would suggest that "listening" to adult adoptees means not just reading things on the internet, but actually taking some initiative in talking to adult adoptees in the real world, and forming mutual conversational relationships with them. The internet is a useful tool, but I think it can sometimes be used to replace listening to each other in the real world. I don't think you can fully educate yourself by only reading about things online, no matter which websites you read or what stance you take on adoption.  

Answer 8

I think people are afraid about encountering views and opinions that differ from their own. They say 'ignorance is bliss' which I believe to really mean that ignorance feels blissful, because coming across new information can challenge your whole paradigm and this changes people. People are afraid of change, and therefore they don't want to listen to other people's opinions/life experiences.

I feel like I try my best to enter into conversations with people (irl mostly) that might have different opinions, to come with a curious and open mind. If my truth is my truth (be it religious/spiritual views, political views, opinions about xyz) then there is space for others to tell me their truth and if it doesn't work for me, at least I've been open-minded. For the most part this allows me to really see that I might be agreeing with 98% of someone's opinion, whereas if I wasn't open-minded to begin with I'd automatically see the 2% I disagree with and then shut that relationship down (because how awful it would be to be corrupted by their 2% that I don't agree with!)

enough rambling. fear is at the heart of people not wanting to understand others' experiences...

Answer 9

I agree completely with Jennifer L.'s entire response and also with Gaia in that PAP's should have to hear what adoptees have to say about "the adoption experience" before adopting.  

I guess the thing to keep in mind though, is much of what is expressed on here is personal opinion based on personal experience and everybody is going to have a slightly (or very) different take given their experience.  As an AP, you just have to take all the possibilities into consideration and think about how you would apply what you have learned from an adoptee's experience should your adopted child's situation turn out to be similar to theirs.

Sure, every AP wants to think that their child is going to grow up the "happy adoptee", but reality, that is not how everyone is going to see it.  As a parent, you need to build up a tool kit, so to speak, to help your child through it.  What better tool other than to be let inside of those who have been there and done that?   Thank you to those adoptees who do truly try to help today's AP's avoid mistakes made a generation ago!

I have nothing but respect for ALL of the opinions of the adult adoptees; but like others on here, would like them to be communicated with respect.

Answer 10

What?  Adoptees have FEELINGS?  That's not allowed!  Don't you know they should all just shut up and be grateful, and stop dwelling on the "past"?

Seriously, you'd think these people have never EVER lost anyone in their whole lives and have no clue what it means to FEEL something.  It's much healthier to listen to all points of view, and voice your disagreement while still being open to learning.  I learn something new every day that I'm here.  I sure am glad that I know about the difficult feelings that can come up for adoptees.  I feel much more prepared to validate my kids' feelings - WHATEVER feelings they have, whether they're happy and see nothing wrong with adoption, or hate adoption with a passion, or anything in between.  I'm also glad to understand that adoptees (heck, EVERYONE) are allowed to have their own feelings independant of my desires.  (I.e. just because I dislike how domestic infant adoption and international adoption is practiced in most cases, doesn't mean my kids have to feel the same way.  And just because I'm going to be ecstatically happy to be a mommy, that doesn't mean my kids have to be ecstatically happy that I'M their mommy.)

I think it's pretty cool that there are so many adoptee's here who are able to express their feelings, although I'm also really glad that I've discovered a place where they feel free to discuss them even MORE freely (since no one's attacking them).  I learn a lot from listening to adoptees uncensored.  I think it should be a requirement before adoption to spend at least 6 months listening to adoptees speak freely about their own feelings and beliefs surrounding their own circumstances.  What better experts than adoptees in the field of adoption?

Answer 11

Good question.  People don't want to listen to answers that make them feel uncomfortable. It is a sign of insecurity.  I think if you are a secure person you are willing to listen to all opinions no matter how much you may disagree.  Sometimes people just don't want to hear it.  They would rather hold their beliefs close than risk personal  growth.  

Answer 12

How would someone do that? HOw are they going to know to even ask me?