As adoptees do you feel that your adoption cost another child a good home?

Question

Before anyone gets offended.--this is what I mean. I have just read and answered a question and basically i got from it that adoptees who are adopted should feel gulity about being adopted and on top of that they are being encouraged to hate their adoptive parents. so other adoptees out there should you feel that your good home cost someone else a good home?

Answer 1

Guilt seems to be what this world would like us to feel-  NO I don't feel guilty for being adopted-  that is almost as bad as saying I feel guilty for being alive.  I feel empathy and concern for those who may not get adopted and wind up in the foster care system, however guilt is ridiculous- I had no choice on where or with whom I was placed- it was meant to be, I really believe.

Answer 2

As a natural child (assuming you are one), do you feel your birth cost an adoptable child a good home?

Of course you don't.  And, as an adoptee, neither do I.  As others have said, it's not like we have a choice in the matter.

Answer 3

i had no control over what happened. i was a baby. the choices were made for me. i have no guilt for any of this, how could i? it was not my choice.

ignore anyone that told you that. why should you feel guilty? you have no reason to. anyone that tells others that should be ashamed of themselves. if they want to harbor anger or guilt then more power to them, but to project that to anyone else is not only unfair but ignorant.

Answer 4

No, of course not.  It was chance that I was the next available infant, and my adoptive parents where at the top of the list.  Not luck, just chance.

But I do often wonder, who would I be today if a different set of adoptive parents were first on the list?  What would my name be?  Who would be sitting here now, with MY name and living MY life?  It screws with the mind, adoption does.  That's for sure.

Answer 5

Hi Whatever,

No, because I feel every child deserves a good home.  I don't agree that the child should have to pay for that home with eternal gratefulness in excess of whatever any biological child would owe the people who raised them.  The other reason is because the children who still do not have homes COULD have been adopted by the adoptive parents but were probably passed over for one reason or another.  Regardless, none of those reasons have anything to do with anything the adoptee could have been responsible for.

Adoptees have enough on their plates already.  They should not be made to feel guilty on top of that.  "Guilt" should be reserved for those who did something wrong.  Anyways, adoptive parents don't feel guilty for adopting infants even if that means it cost other PAP's the opportunity to adopt that baby, do they?  

You also asked if hate should be encouraged towards adoptive parents.  If there is any hate to go around, it should be directed where it belongs, at the system itself, which generally has far more to be guilty of, and not directed at the adopters.  (Assuming they were not abusive.)

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 6

As a first mom, even though I have issues with the whole system and some things that happened to me,  in no way, shape or form, would I want my daughter to hate her parents. No child should feel guilty about being in whatever family they belong to.

What question are you referring too?

Answer 7

I was a baby.  Totally innocent and guilty of nothing.  Adoptees are told all the time what we 'should' and 'shouldn't' feel.

Someone else could easily have been given the good home I got - they just got me 'cos I was available when they got to the top of the waiting list.   I had nothing to do with that.

What I feel for those left in the foster care system is empathy, not guilt

Answer 8

you're missing the entire point of what Bizzi was trying to get across....

Answer 9

No I don't feel guilty and neither should anyone else b/c we really didn't have any say in the matter.  That never even crossed my mind and I feel sorry that someone even had the odasity to say that to you or any other adoptee for that matter!  Some times people will say insensitive things like that for lack of accurate information or imperfect narrow minds (if you know what I mean).  

The older I became and the more that I learned about adoptees, I just took it upon myself to pray for all the children in the world who are without homes or permanent families.  That's all you can do.  Being adopted was not a choice, being concieved wasn't a choice, so how could I possibly feel guilty for any of it?  I have done no wrong in that regard and neither have you.  Just be aware that there are a lot of people out there who were not as fortunate as you and I to have good homes with good people.  There is no guilt that is due on the adoptee's part.  Don't get offended for someone else's ignorance.  Just like being adopted, it's not our fault :-)

Answer 10

NO child should ever feel guilty about ANY decision that adults made on their behalf.  Good or bad!  PERIOD.  

I think that some of the more radical reform adoptees (?) who write on this board don't realize (or care?) that this is the effect they are having on many other adoptees.  Making them feel guilty for being adopted!  And making adoptive parents feel guilty for adopting.  And making birth parents feel guilty for placing a child for adoption!  This just cannot be the true intention, I just cannot accept that.  I refuse to accept that.

Answer 11

i was adopted and sometimes i feel bad, but only because so many people want to s***w around and then leave there kids. i understand there are cases where a parent cannot keep the child, no matter how bad they want to, but i cannot stand those who give up their children because they "arent ready to be a parent" personally, my sister, i was adopted into her family, tries to make me feel guilty. she is 28, 29 idk and she tells me that ever since i came in the family has been **** and that i ruined everything and give the family a bad name. so i feel guilty for them, but not that someone else didnt get a home. yes i feel bad for the,, but never guilty

Answer 12

Um, no I don't at all.  That's a weird thing for someone to say to you.  But now that I think about it....hmmm, I think that Ivanka stole my place in the Trump family...she should feel very guilty right about now.

Answer 13

Amen Joslin!!!!!

Answer 14

You should not feel guilty about something about which you had absolutely no say.

Sounds to me like that other person feels jealous...and wants you to be responsible for it.

Answer 15

That's dumb. You're saying nobody should adopt at all then. I'm not offended or mad, no worries, but that's what it sounds like. If there was only one good home and one kid got it, then that's different, but that's not the case. Sometimes a kid might get passed up and get a better home than the kid the previous adopting couple chose, see what i"m saying. It works both ways.

Answer 16

No.  I was available, they wanted to adopt, we got put together.  I was 2 years old.  It's not like I had anything to do with picking them.

I certainly don't feel guilty about being adopted.

Answer 17

Nope, I never felt like that.  My parents say they waited a long time for me (a whole year!).  Plus my aparents wanted an American (white only, thanks) baby and they wouldn't have settled for or accepted a child over the age of four months.  They wanted an infant ONLY and I was it!

Answer 18

How can we be expected to feel guilty for something that we had no control over? I don't know what question you are referring to but if an adopted person said that to you it sounds like they are had it bad and are feeling sorry for themselves. We had no control over who adopted us. To be honest, I think that most adoptees would have chosen NOT to have been adopted. I think that person has to explore their own feelings about their adoption in general.  They may find that they are suffering trauma from being given up by their birth parents and are taking it out on their adoptive families and on you.  I would recommend they read some good adoption books or go to therapy and get in touch with their feelings.