As an AP, do you ever find yourself being a "label w***e"?

Question

What I mean is, do you ever freak out about what the kids call you and your family versus their first family? This is something I really have had to work through ( though I'm not proud to admit it ). We are trying to keep contact with our kids first family and realized that we held on to the fact that we were finally "mom". Isn't it sad that it took my kids' first mom dying to open my eyes to how silly worrying over labels is? The first time I heard first mom on here, I flipped out about it. But now, I have begun describing the kids first family as this, and it seems to make them happier too. Any one else find themselves letting go of labels?

Answer 1

I wanted to address a misconception that Suzy stated: "First mom is inappropriate. It is not the accepted language of adoption professionals because it is cruel to adopted children. If you love yours, don't use it."

It is not the language used by "adoption professionals" because the accepted language of "adoption professionals" ("Positive Adoption Language") was created to replace the term "natural" with "birth-" (and "biological") in the 1970s because adoptive parents at that time complained about it.   It has nothing to do with the welfare of adopted children.  Instead, it has everything to do with politics and promoting the idea that there is NO remaining mother-child connection past the point of giving birth.  Using the term "first mother" will not damage a child.  

These "adoption professionals" are not know-it-alls and in fact many of them lack even a basic B.S.W. degree.  They are not "professional" in the sense of being a profession such doctors, lawyers, and such.

Answer 2

You seem to recognize that power of words, so it pains me to see you making such harmful choices.

Calling your child's biological mother her 'first family' is damaging plain and simple.

You are her family, and she can't be safe in it if you insist on pretending that she had a family before she had you. The inappropriate focus on something that never was forces her to live in the past and pushes her out of the only family she has.

First mom is inappropriate. It is not the accepted language of adoption professionals because it is cruel to adopted children. If you love yours, don't use it.

Answer 3

As an adopted person, all four of my parents are my mothers and fathers.  I was adopted at age 2.  For someone to suggest that the family I had prior to my adoption "never was" is ludicrous.  They raised me for the first year of my life.  They are now back in my life and have been for 7 years.  

For me, it would have been cruel for my adoptive parents to pretend I practically didn't exist prior to my adoption.  It would have been hurtful and dismissive for them to pretend that my life didn't begin until they entered it.  Fortunately, they had the intelligence and compassion to understand that I had a family and a life prior to my adoption.  Even if it hadn't have been 2 years, it would have still existed.  Indeed, if it had only been 2 minutes, it would still be part of my past and my experience.  

For my adoptive parents to acknowledge my first parents was not confusing to me at all.  It was comforting to me that they were able to do this.  I understood what being adopted meant, so it actually would have been very confusing had they attempted state that there was no family prior to the adoption.  

Kudos to you!  I know this is a painful time for you and your children.  I am sorry for the loss you are all experiencing.

Answer 4

I guess it really doesn't bother me.  In our home, we call my children's first mother as "Liberia mom", which is actually what they started using in order to differentiate us. In those statements, I'm "America mom".  

I started using "first family" from this forum.  It's not a perfect term: I mean if there's a first family and a second family, is there a third, fourth, etc.  But I like it better than some of the suggested alternatives.  I stopped using "Birthfamily" after learning more about it on this forum too.  

Answer 5

I don't like any label when it comes to adoption..  The only time I think something like that needs to be said would be if you were explaining something to someone that did not know someone was adopted..

like his birth mother this or that,.,

You are both his/her mother.  just that one gave birth to him and one raised him..

Answer 6

When such sweet AP's like Randy B and an Adoptee from Korea gets a thumb down when they say they are not bothered with labels. What can i say on this forum.

People only on this forum are ultra senstive with terms.

Answer 7

Not being a "label w***e" and allowing your children to explore their own feelings and use their own language is one of the best gifts you can give to your adopted children. Adopted children need to know it is safe to discuss their feelings with their parents without being shut down simply based on the language they choose. Listening, validating & allowing are key ingredients to a stronger relationship with your child and a stronger child in terms of emotional development. Kudos to you for putting their feelings ahead of yours!

For more info on adoption from someone who has been working with adopted children for over 25 years and is an adoptive mother herself, check out:

http://fwcc.org/jbrownmidchildhood.htm

http://international.adoptionblogs.com/w...

And here's a great blog post from an adoptive mother on "adoption language":

http://granolacrunchy.blogspot.com/2006/...

Answer 8

LOL! I thought this question was going to have something to do with Nikes and Levis...

I guess this isn't much of an issue for me. I am the one who began calling my son's first mother by that term. (Prior to getting some education here, I called her his birth mother.) We're very comfortable with it now.

I'm sorry your children have had such a tragedy. It's too bad that you learned what is really important as a result of such a terrible loss, but how wonderful that you were able to let go!  

Answer 9

I am an adoptee from Korea and the family I was raised with is my family.  I have birth parents, but that's all.  My mom and dad have never had any trouble with labels.  They've been my mom and dad and my siblings are my brother and sister.  They are my "real" family.  Labels are for people who can't see passed love and family.  (when it comes to love and family.)

Answer 10

We adopted older children so it just seemed natural for all of us to speak of their first moms as "mom" with no added label.  The children do call me mom as well.  It can be confusing, but if I misunderstand the children will straighten me out.

I've never cared about the labels, but if my children chance to say "real mom/dad" in front of other people, someone is sure to correct them.  I guess that's what bugs me. I don't need strangers to throw me a pitying look and tell my children "Oh no honey, THIS is your REAL mom. She's the one that takes care of you."  Two of my children lost their mother, so a statement like that really hurts them.  

Answer 11

Hey you, I know I'm not supposed to answer this because I'm not an AP, but it doesn't take an AP to be a label w***e!

I can say that strictly for the purposes of this forum, I refer to my adoptive mother as my a-mom and my 'birth' mother as my f-mom.  (I honestly didn't know that Birth Mother was offensive until about a year ago)... but in real life there's Mom (my a-mom) and Cheryl (my f-mom... but I was just recently reunited last month, so simply calling her 'mom' is something I'm just not prepared for yet.)

I think for the purposes of forum usage the labels aren't so bad... it's in the real world that we have to watch what we say and how we label people.

Answer 12

Personally, I've never had a problem.  I'm dad and my wife is mom.  My oldest daughter (15) was adopted by us as an infant when we lived overseas and she has stated in more then a few heart to heart conversations that she is not curious about either her bio parents or the country she was born in.  She has similar symptoms to very mild FASD but in her case it's due to malnutrition (she was 10 lbs at 8 months old when she came to us) so we don't push the issue with her but she knows we are always willing to talk if she wants.

Our youngest is still an infant so who knows what the future holds.