As an adopted child have you grown up with emotional and psychological issues?

Question

I am a 33 year old father and just need to hear from other adopted people out there if you have any issues in your adult life from being adopted. I am always restless, nothing seems to make me happy even though I have lots to be happy about. I have difficulty living in reality and my mind is always off somewhere else. I am always distant. I am very emotional. I have attachment issues and enjoy being in my own space and find it hard to share my life. I am married! But then when I am on my own I feel alone. I can't settle in one career. I get bored easily. I am indescisive. I don't know what I should do with my life! I am a father and still have these issues! What is going on? I have heard of Adopted Child Syndrome and was wondering if any adopted adults out there have any advice on where to get help. This is debilitating and ruining my life. Any help is great. Thanks.

Answer 1

I'm not an adoptee.  However, I am the adoptive mother of 2 adoptees, and I have listened to LOTS of adoptees on this site.  I can assure you what you went through, and what you are going through now, is very typical.  The first thing you need to do is join the adult adoptee forum where you can talk to others who will understand what it's like to be adopted.  Wouldn't that be nice for a change for someone to really get what you're saying?  http://www.adultadoptees.org  

Secondly, consider seeing a psychiatrist for medication to help you with your moods.  That might make a world of difference in your life.  You never know unless you try.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

I am not an adopted person--however I was married for 14 years to an adopted man--and I have adopted two children...

I believe that some of the issues you feel can be related to adoption by all means but, I also believe that other people who are not adopted can suffer these same issues so--my ***Perception*** is that yes, there are issues about adoption that clearly can afffect a person... much of which has to do with the whole story about your life...

The problem that I personally had with my ex husband was that he decided all of his emotional and social problems WERE about adoption--and stopped right there.... He did not get help or work past his issues in therapy and he considered it to be acceptable to have these issues go untreated because After all it was not a Real Mental health issue--it was not anything he believed he could change and he took a position that there was nothing he could do about it...so why bother.

This meant that he just went about life and stuffed his feelings inside. In some cases expecting a great deal from me.... His feelings also had a very profound affect on our children who went on to have what I can only describe as a their own disconect feelings about Their Family history....

The number one thing that would have made a difference in our marriage and for his own happiness whould have been to seek out therapy and take the time to really really get honest and real and deal with those things that he felt were hurting his quality of life and enjoyment....

I wish you great peace as you confront these feelings and do hope that you don't just ignor the observations you have made... I have found that most of us have a complex number of issues to process and deal with and adoption is certainly something that a person would have feelings about.....

Answer 3

I have met some people that were restless like you but they had both parents. These 2 individuals had it worse though, they couldn't even get married or commit to a relationship. The one lady couldn't even keep a dog for more than a year and a half without giving it away and she moved around in the same town. She lived in 10 houses in 12 years, all in the same town. She could not commit to a thing, except her kids. Somehow she managed to embrace that role in her life. She is in her 30's and starting to get better about it. She is realizing that her parents raised her in away in which she learned that trusting people would end up in ways that made them feel good, but not her. Her parents seem nice and all and are very loving... She confronted them about it as part of her therapy, and they were shocked and hurt that she would think these things. They kept trying tell her that never happened and kept teling her what to think and stuff. She finally had to cut them out of her life. Since than she had gotten alot better and can stick with things more.

So I think that adopted or not, it depends on the parenting style of the parents.

Answer 4

I could have written this question almost exactly.  (Well, except for the being a father bit.  I couldn't bring myself to have children.)  You have described a lot of the experiences I have had as an adult.

I would just echo everything Sunny has said.  (Had she not posted, I would have made most of the exact same recommendations.  Thanks, Sunny!)  I'll reiterate, too, that you should come to

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

It's a very good support site.  

Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Sounds like you have Reactive Attachment Disorder.

http://www.personalityresearch.org/paper...

Answer 6

I am 30 years old. I  was adopted. I turned out fine. It really depends on the child and the parent(s) raising it.

Answer 7

Yes - I know many many adoptees with many similarities to those you speak of - myself included.

You are definately not alone.

Sadly too many dismiss the psychological affects of adoption on the adoptee.

What makes it worse - when people completely invalidate your feelings - and tell you to 'just get over it'.

Have you read 'Primal Wound' by Nancy Verrier?

Also here are links to many adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Here is also a link to an online forum for adoptees -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Therapy can really helped - it helped for me - but it's essential to find someone who has dealt with adoptee issues - or at least is empathetic to our needs.

Writing/blogging and finding other adoptees has definately helped in my life.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 8

Wow, how did you do that?  You took the thoughts right out of my head.  I have almost exactly the same issues.  I'm also married with children, have everything to be happy about but cannot ever seem to relax.  I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I wish so badly that I had some advice for you, because that would mean I would also know what to do for myself.  I have had lots of therapy, but still, I'm desolate.  I agree, it's nearly completely debilitating.  I'm lucky if I can get myself showered and to work.

My husband just loves me so much and hates to see me like this, and I feel so guilty for not being able to be more present for him and the kids.  It's not fair to any of us.  I wish you the very best, I'm sorry that I don't have anything more to offer than commiseration.

Answer 9

yep...sounds alot like me...you learn to deal with it...i think my struggles were eased alot by finding my birth people...since my mother is deceased i had to find my sister and brothers..and it has actually brought me alot of inner peace..but the emotional person is me...i push people away have a hard time with relationships in general..i am a mother..i have always told my kids i loved them every day...because i didnt hear that as a kid..i talk to them and try to listen to them even when its the worst time to but above all else i tell them i love them..i dont want them to have the struggles i did and do still to a degree..i know in my professional life..i could be so much more..i just dont and am not..im not lazy i just dont want to fail since i see myself as a failure in everything except my kids..i think im a pretty good mom..or at least i really try to be

Answer 10

yes i was adopted from poland by an american couple bout 11 years ago.(and so my siblings 4 of them) at first we were emotionall not always happy etc but thats mostly cuz of our past.when we got adopted by the american couple they turned out to be not what anyone was hoping for.so we all left their home and got separated again in to different famillies in the usa with out knowing the culture or the language.we all really had difficult time for a quite a while basically with the same symptoms that you experienced.but as i grew older i decided to take a control of my life and try to become someone or somethin.at times i feel depressed etc.but i realized whether i stayed in my country or not i probablly would be the same way so y not take advantage of my life and try to cheer up a bit.now im 24 and many things to me still dont make sence lol but i guess thats just part of life.im separated from my siblings and been on my own since almost day one.now im a mom of 5 month old boy that mean the world to me and i try to be the best i can be.i try not to let my past of talking control of me cuz after all i got a son that i need to watch out for and make sure that he will have the best life i can possibly offer him.yes at times its hard to open up to people etc.and i dont usually do but i enjoy my time with my son and i want him to grow up happy and i dont want him to see that i have lots on my mind.i just try to live one day at the time and be the best i can be for me and my son.and not let the past of taking the hold of me even tho there is many many memories and sadnes but i had to learn how to omitt it and live my life in the presence for my son.

Answer 11

I'm not adopted but if you think about it... your mom probably had two options, adoption, or abortion.  Aren't you glad she cared enough to at least have you and give you a chance to live rather than abort you?  I think that's at least one thing to be thankful for.  My dad was abusive to me for 19 years of my life and I have many of the same issues you have, that I'm trying to get over and I'm 29 years old with 3 kids. If I was in your shoes, I'd be thankful to be alive and glad your mom made a better choice.  Maybe you could reconnect with her and write her a letter?  Good luck to you.

Answer 12

Everything you feel is totally normal!  ;-)

You might want to visit http://www.adultadoptees.org for support and information from hundreds of people JUST like you!

Here are plenty of book recommendations and links to keep you busy!

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.b******s.org/bq/babb2.html

Adoption studies:

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Books:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton

The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky