As an adoptee : If you had a "Questionable" adoption.....?

Question

would you want to know everything about your adoption including every bad (disgusting) detail, even if it may/could destroy your relationship with your adopted parents or would it be better just knowing the bare basics and having the nasty details left out.***Please forgive me if this question offends anyone here, I am trying to feel out this whole process,which is new to me.***Long answers are fine too. Thank you.

Answer 1

I would want to know everything.  The good the bad and the ugly, the whole truth

I don't know how it could destroy my relationship with my parents, that relationship is stable and strong.  But in the hypothetical scenario that they had lied to me or betrayed my trust, then I think that would make things strained between us.

Every adoptee deserves to know the whole truth about their adoption, whatever that may be.

Answer 2

I had sooo many blanks I needed to fill in b/c the information just seemed a lil sketchy to me. I found out my b-parents were older when they had me so it sorta ticked me off but they were breaking the law and constantly in jail when they lost custody of all of us.  It hurt but I had to know, we deserve the right to know so ditto what Julie J said!

Answer 3

Hi Dave,

Thanks for asking.  Just wanted to add that there is still an assumption out there that adoptees are better off not knowing things, or that they might not be able to handle facts as well as non-adoptees, or that their relationships with their adoptive parents are so precarious that they must be based upon half-truths or non-truths in order to survive.

There may very well be some adoptees who do not think they can handle their truth and prefer to live in their happy darkness.  That's their right to turn it down.  I'm not one of those, nor do I think their choice and right to know should be taken out of their hands by others bent on protecting their own self interests.

Yes, my adoption also would have been considered "questionable" at best, and I'm not saying everything was easy to know.  I am saying adoptees are capable of adjusting, and they are entitled to know the details surrounding their births and adoption.  If there were some unethical secret about your own birth, say your parents switched you at birth for another baby, would you want to know?  Sometimes by putting yourself in the shoes of the other person, rather than in the hypothetical, the answer will become clearer.

I believe people should be held accountable for their actions, not permitted to hide behind sealed record laws.  Nobody is perfect, and adoptive parents are no exceptions.  If we know our adoptive parents did something wrong and we love them anyways, then that love is based upon honesty.  If they hide everything from us, what is that love based upon then?

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

Everyone is entitled to the truth.  Anything less than giving the truth is insulting and presumptive of one's supposed inability to deal with truth.

I would certainly want to know the truth.  If adoptive parents broke the law during adoption proceedings, then they must be willing to live with the consequences that their son or daughter may be displeased.  This holds true for illegal or unethical activities committed by any parents, not just adoptive parents.  

If the relationship has been otherwise good, I imagine that unless the crime was extreme, the relationship with not be irreparably damaged.  For example, my parents used to cheat on their taxes all the time.  While I found this quite wrong and it is displeasing, it did not lead to destruction of the relationship.

eta: I am adopted and my adoption was completely legal.

Answer 5

Dave, i just want to commend you for thinking, asking questions and listening. That is awesome!! You've been asking great questions lately and rock on to that!!

I didn't have a questionable adoption, mine was completely legal, but nevertheless I wanted to answer by acknowledging the effort you're showing to learn.

Answer 6

I would want to know everything, good and bad.  My adoption was legal, but it being the 70's my aparents were not given a lot of information.  The thought always crosses your mind that you might find out information that you don't want to hear, your mother was raped, was unemotional about giving you up, etc. but I think that it is better to know one way or the other. For example, I found out through my non-identifying information that my bmother couldn't make up her mind about relinquishing but her mother pushed and pushed her to do it.  She even broke down in court and wouldn't sign the papers.  They brought her back 6 weeks later and she signed them. I can't even imagine the pressure she was under for those 6 weeks.  Does it hurt to know that my biological maternal grandmother went to great lengths to make sure that my mother gave me up? Yes. It was hard to hear but it is my history and I am glad that I know it.