As an adoptee parent are you going to tell your child..?

Question

she/he was adopted & if so, at what age do you feel it is right to do so? For those who will not tell their child they were adopted, may I ask you why you feel it is in their best interest not to know?Thank you.

Answer 1

My child knows that he was adopted.  He is now 5.  We have never held that information from him.  He doesn't fully understand it yet, but as he gets older and asks questions, we answer them age appropriately.  He knows that he has three sets of grandparents and that he lived with one set before he lived with us.  He knows that the judge allowed him to come live with Mommy & Daddy and he knows that he has three other friends who were adopted also.  

We felt (feel) that it is better for him to always know than for it to be a surprise some day.  Lies are never good in any relationship.

Answer 2

Starting at the very beginning, telling stories about their birth, adoption, etc. is so much easier on everyone.  If the amount of information is gradually added to as the child gets older, then there is no need for a "talk" when they get older where they get the truth about their adoption.  

We love the book by Jamie Lee Curtis about adoption "Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born" and read it to our daughter beginning in infancy.

I believe that keeping adoption a secret sends the message that it is something to be ashamed of and also gives children a reason to mistrust their parents, if they aren't told that the are adopted, then what other secrets are being kept from them.

Answer 3

well, im not a parent, but im adopted and my parents let me know all along that i was adopted. they brought me to adoption picnics with other adopted kids and i loved it. now i'm almost 16 and i would be angry and hurt if my parents put off telling me i was adopted. i highly suggest letting your child know all along. they might not understand at first, but you may try explaining everything when they are maybe 8 or 9 years old. my mom explained the details when i was 8. i hope this helps and good luck!

Answer 4

I have 4 adopted children and they have known

early on that they are not our biological offspring.

They also know that I would give my life for them

(my husband too) and that we love them forever.

Answer 5

I told my babies when they were 18 months old.

Answer 6

I was adopted and the parents need to tell them. It's not fair to keep it a secret, it will eventually come out & when it does, the child will be very very upset. They deserve to know.

My parents told me since I was a little girl.

Answer 7

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Answer 8

By "adoptee" parent - do you mean an adoptee who has also adopted or an "adoptive" parent?

My parents NEVER told me that I was adopted.  I found out through a cousin at age 31.  Even then, my parents refused to acknowledge it.  They took whatever they knew to their graves.

Obviously, if the parents NEVER tell the child they are avoiding all the issues that children who are told may face:  Abandonment, feeling out of place (which also happens even if you aren't told), lack of "identity" and personal history, etc.  

But WHEN the child (or adult) finds out - there can be a lot of anger generated over the lies and secrets finally coming out.  In some cases - the child/adult finds out at the death of one of the adoptive parents.

Children ask about their beginnings from a very young age.  When they see a pregnant relative or family friend they connect belly to baby.  They are curious if they started out that way.  This is the time for an age appropriate answer.  If the child is a biological child - you wouldn't be describing the moment of conception, would you?  So you only need to answer the question they are asking.  Above all else - be honest and open please.  Children quickly figure out what subjects are taboo and after that just because they aren't asking the questions doesn't mean they don't have any.

Answer 9

We have already written a book that will be read to our child(ren) whenever we or they feel like it.  They will know from day one.  Their lives, their information...not my decision!!

Answer 10

Our daughters have know since we first held them in our arms.  We have tons of adoptions books to read and each girl has her own adoption book that tells her own story.  Its our childrens fundamental right to know who they are and where they come from.  The earlier the better.

Answer 11

Absolutely. Our children are very young (2.5 year and 11 months) but we already tell them their adoption stories. Usually while rocking to sleep at night. We will always be completely open and honest with them.

Answer 12

You should tell them as soon as they'll understand. I am an adopted child and my "parents" explained it to me when I was about 6 years old. It is not something to hide, it's the greatest gift that can be given!

Answer 13

My daughter has always known the word "adopted".

A friend of mine who is an adoptee gave me the best parenting advice I will ever get.

She told me that she always imagined her mom and dad going to the super market and picking out a kid to take home.

She told me I would have to come up with a concept of adoption was explainable to a very young child. And as the years went on we would have to build on that....always telling the truth and answering in an age appropraite manner any question she may have.

You may laugh and roll your eyes but this is how we began her adoption story.......When she was 2 years old the movie "Lilo and Stitch" came out on dvd.....she loved it!

Lilo's mommy and daddy had passed away and her older sister had become her legal guardian.  Lilo wanted a dog and they went to the local dog shelter where she unexpectantly picked an evil alien named Stitch.

Well long story short Stitch was a wanted fugitive and was going to have to go back and stand trail in the Galactic Republic and Lilo said no because he was her O'hana (Hawaiian)  "O'hana means family and family means that NOBODY gets left behind or forgotten!"

This has always remianed an endearing sentiment to our family.....she now says that adoption is O'hana and that means nobody get's left behind or forgotten......ss it should be.

Imagine our excitement when we all meet Lilo and Stitch for the first time last Sepetember in Disney while having breakfast at O'hana in the Polynesian.

I am sure I will get slammed for this but we do have a young child who does not understand all the complexities.

I think every adopted child has a right to know the truth and have a connection to their first family.

Answer 14

I am not an adoptee parent, but I was adopted, and I don't remember ever being told that I was, I just always knew.  That is the best policy.... being completely open and honest, and NEVER saying anything bad about the bio-mom, even if you met her and thought she was a loon lol.

Answer 15

Yes. My adopted children(I plan on adopting 2) will know they were adopted at age 7 since it is a requirement in my religion(ISLAM) for children who are adopted to know they were adopted at age 7 years old.  In Islam a child is an orphan if his or her father is dead.

Answer 16

I began telling my daughter from the moment I held her in my arms when she was 3 weeks old. I thought that it would be easier for both of us that way.  She has every right to know everything I know. At this point I only wish I knew more to tell her.

Answer 17

I was adopted and my mom told me as early as a toddler- even before I truly understood , and I am very grateful that she did , because if she had waiting , I may have thought that it was something to be ashamed of. I adopted 2 kids and did the same thing- and they both are well adjusted. This is not to say- that all adoptees are when told at a young age.

Answer 18

We've had an open adoption from birth so my daughter has always known. I think it was about age 4 that she understood  she did not come from "my tummy". Since then she has gradually learned and understands the circumstances of her adoption from both me and her bio mom. I never thought about not telling her.

Answer 19

They might find out some day! You should do that before he/she become a teenager. You can easily convince them that it is even better because you choose to have him/her. If you do that later you might end up fighting for the rest of your life. You might face heritage or teenage issues or someone that will "tell the truth" the wrong time. I do not have any kids.