As an adoptive mother...?

Question

We have two children one adopted, one biological. This question goes out to all of you in similar situations. As parent what are say the 5, carved in stone, things I must say/do or never say or do to ensure the mental, emotional well-being of both my children? This goes out especially to adopted children- so many of you say that oh my adoptive parents were wel-meaning but...Please tell me how to get it right?

Answer 1

If your adopted child looks different than the rest of the family, you all probably get questions about it.  It probably makes your adopted child feel "different" and your biological child like he's not special since he or she isn't getting the attention.  A way to answer this, when people ask where your adopted child is from you can say, "This is my son  . . . He was born in . . ."  and then include your biological child and say "And this is my daughter  . . . She was born  . . . (here in) . . ."  That way your adopted child doesn't feel singled out and different and your biological child doesn't feel excluded.

Answer 2

Hi and congratulations on your two children!  I'm the biological child, my parents adopted my brother when I was 10 and he was 8. (I'm 36 now).  I loved no longer being an "only child" as life had been soo lonely.

Our adoptive experience became troubled and I'll share with you why I think it turned out the way it did. Maybe knowing our story will help you have a better understanding of what not to do!

My brother & his little sister were abandoned by their mother. They were placed in foster care (separated). I know my brother was in at least 3 homes prior to my parents adopting him.  The emotional damage had been done and the experience of going from foster home to foster home made bonding to us difficult for him. (My parents adopted him and another couple adopted his sister.)

My mother, (who is very controlling and strict) couldn't handle the problems that arose in my brother. She had her rules and her ways and didn't follow them to her liking. He didn't respect her authority and didn't respond to her threats. (My mom was abusive verbally and physically to both of us.)  This lead to my mother turning into a monster. I was afraid of her, but he seemed to not care, which made her even worse.

By my 16th birthday, my brother had begun running away. Finally, after running away and being returned by the cops several times, he told the police that he didn't want to come back and my mom said she didn't want him back anymore and he became a ward of the state. I remember going w/my mom to visit him at a boy's home during Christmas. We had a bag full of gifts. He would not come out to see us so we left the gifts with the lady at the desk.  I remember crying all the way home...my mom was emotionless.

I blame my mother for all that happened to my brother.  It made my teenage years very stressful.  My parents nearly divorced over it.  I know deep inside my mom is aware of how terrible she was, but she will never take responsibility, but instead will make excuses and blame my brother, my dad, or me.

To this day, my relationship with my mom is troubled. My feelings for her are conflicted (I love & hate her). I try to keep myself and my children away from her.

My brother is now 34 and is doing considerably well in life.  I'm proud of him because he is a good father. He has trouble in his relationships with women. (go figure). He and I are open about our childhood with our mom....he knows I love and support him. I've let him know that although our mother didn't understand his pain, I do...and that it wasn't his fault.

Love your children equally, treat them fairly and respect their feelings.  Seek professional counseling if you feel your child is struggling. If your'e married, hopefully your spouse supports you and is equally involved in parenting. (my dad was a passive parent).  Everything aside, what we all really need, is to be loved unconditionally.  I admire you for desiring to be the best parent possible for your children.  You are already a million steps ahead of the game.

Best wishes to you!

Answer 3

Here is a story for you.  I cut and pasted this from another adoption question on this forum. My fiance was adopted by a couple. His adopted dad was a vp of marketing at a fortune 500 company. He was a millionaire many times over. My fiance and his brother were adopted at the ages of about 4 and 5. At first things were great. Then, the adopted parents got tired of having two adopted sons in addition to their two biological daughters. They locked the boys in the basement, not feeding them for days. the adopted mother would lock them outside after school because she didn't want to "have to look at them". Finally as teenagers they were sent away to a boot camp for bad kids. My fiance was so scarred emotionally that he never got over it. He passed away last august at the age of 21, never feeling loved or wanted by any family except me. I hate his adoptive parents. His is not the only story like that. If you EVER feel this way towards the child you adopted, you need to give that child back to the state.  I am sure most adoptive parents are not like this, but some are. Yeah give me a thumbs down, whatever.....but I will let EVERYONE who adopts know his story.  It is sad, it is horrible...but it happens.  I will NOT allow it to be swept under the rug like it never happened.  Hey to those who gave me athumbs down....**** you.  I hope you get cancer and die.

Answer 4

I have one biological child and 2 children through adoption. I'd love to know what to never say and what to be sure to say so I never get it wrong but that's not possible. We're all learning and none of us is anywhere near perfect. I try and i think I'm doing pretty well but, that's jsut from my perspective!! I'm sure I end up talking about who my biological daughter looks like more than I should because she is the one who looks like people I know and it's hard not to talk about it ever. Obviously my children don't look at all alike and I think that's an issue for them someitmes.

I jsut realized you really want 5 things that are carved in stone so I'll try to be more specific and more brief.

Always reassure the child that was adopted that their biological mother loved them. There is a really good book called "Did My First Mother Love Me?" It's written from the biological mother's perspective while she was pregnant. It is so good for everyone. It's a simple picture book and can be read to anyone.

That said, always make sure you read through books about adoption first before you read them to your young children. I am very picky about how I word things for my children. Certainly they are going to learn things and hear things from other people but, I don't want to be the one to unkowingly tell them something that i know could hurt them just by having read it to them from a book. Only read the books to them that you like.

Explain the child's adoption story to them. Tell them the truth. I don't know how old your children are but, tell the adopted child his/her story from the very beginning. Be prepared to tell the story over and over and over. Expect the same questions to be asked many times because as your child grows, the answers you give will mean different things and will spur more and different questions.

Don't make adoption a hush-hush topic. Talk about it casually and often and openly.

Know that you are the child's mother. Be secure that the child knows you are their mother. Your adopted child will always have a hole inside of them that you can not understand and that you can not heal. I find it very sad. Allow your child to have that hole. Do ot try to take it away by reassuring your child how much you love them. It isn't about that. It's about the fact that they were rejected at birth and you need to know that that is painful for them. It is hard for me to know that because I love my children so much but, it is true and they know it to be true.

Allow your child to grieve his loss.

Allow your child to search for their roots when it is an appropriate time. Do not fear that this means they don't love you. Accept their need to do this and support them fully in it. If this sounds impossible or really difficult or threatening to you now, then do your best to work on those issues yourself so when the time comes you can be there with your child as their mother helping them to be who they are.

Good Luck. I love having my children and I love my children and I love the way my family is formed, How boring for everyone to look alike!!

Answer 5

I am an adult adoptee, but was raised as an only child.  My advice is to treat them as equals.  You don't mention how old they are right now.  The most important thing is to be open with both children regarding how your family became one.   You need to present this in a way that is almost matter of fact.  It is touchy because the adopted child may try to look for favoritism in the natural child but on the reverse the natural child could have the impression that they picked him/her but were stuck with me.  You may need to choose your words wisely depending on their personalities.  After they completely understand how the family came to be.  You basically need to "forget" the differences.  Try to stress this with your extended family as well.

Don't keep secrets or with hold any information from either child.   The other thing you could do is to start a family motto.  

Something like, we are a family and always will be and when anyone in the family thinks that someone or something is getting them down they always have each other and no matter what the family will always be there for each other.   Create an unbreakable bond.

If people outside of your family point out differences, just simply look at them and say "why do you ask?"  that will normally shut them up.  If they persist you could say something like, "these are my 2 beautiful children and I'm not sure what you need to know beyond that."

Answer 6

Thank you for asking that question - you took the words right out of my finger tips!!  I'm also am an adoptive mother to be, and can't wait to read the answers...

Answer 7

I think ultimately- you must never look at or regard your biological child with any more love or closeness than you do your adoptive one.

I wouldn't even refer to him/her as your 'adopted' child. They are both just 'your kids'.

Answer 8

1.  Just don't burden them or overwhelm them with their adoption.

2.  Don't wear their adoption like some badge of honor.

3.  Don't tell them they are special therefore they were adopted.

4.  Don't tell them they were chosen.

5.  Don't share their birth family details with others.  It's up to them to do that or not.

6.  Find family similarities with all your children -- be it eye color, music taste, liking broccoli, or whatever it is.

7.  Don't pressure them to have the same attitude you do about their adoption or birth family.

8.  Accept their sadness and/or loss as their own, not a reflection on you.

Answer 9

I'm adopted, so I have some experience with this. The most important thing was that my parents didn't make a big deal about me being adopted, They treated me like their own kid. So don't keep asking the adopted one questions about how he feels, chances are he's absolutely fine, and constantly reminding him will start to break the bond between you. Don't introduce him as "the adopted one". If people ask why he doesn't look like you, at least while he's present, laugh it off and blame it on a funny gene pool. You guys can have a secret laugh about it later, because in reality it's pretty funny. If he asks questions about his birthmom, answer them to the best of your knowledge, but don't initiate the questions. In short, simply treat his adoption as something as normal as him having blue eyes. Don't blame his behavior on it. I don't know how old he was when you adopted him, but if he doesn't remember being adopted, then there's no excuse for him to act out.

   With the other kid, make sure he knows that they are equally special. Tell him its no big deal that his brother's adopted, so he doesn't have to talk about it to anyone unless he wants to. Don't give the adopted one special treatment because "he's having a hard life".  

   Basically, your goal is to make adoption seem normal and maybe even boring. Its not something that merits acting out or special treatment, its just a happy thing that happened. Tell the kids that you love your pieced-together family, and that you wouldn't have it any other way. And leave it at that.

Answer 10

I am an adopted child along with my 5 siblings, the best way is honesty at every age level, we always new we were more special then others we knew we were adopted, always, there was never a time when some one sat us down and told us, i can only imagine how traumatic that would be, my brother has 2 children like you 1 adopted and 1 not , my niece has always known she is adopted and how special that makes her, my siblings have never been interested in locating there biological parents but i always was, my mom, the very strong woman that she was, was very supportive and not threatened by this knowing she is my true mom she helped me search and when i found my biological mother and she was a bit kookoo, i lost it, my mom said Missy pull yourself together, go meet her anyway and you tell her i said thank you very much, i love my mother for 10000 reasons but for this i loved her beyond words, don't make it a secret that is my advise, be proud of the fact and your child will too

Answer 11

I am adopted and interracially adopted so from the negative aspect of it i give you this.

never ever seperate your kids like your doing them a favor. (don't point your adopted kid out as the adopted child that also goes the other way don't cottle the adopted kid because your trying to over compensate because your child will start to resent your adopted one). I spend christmas eve with my mother and she spends christmas with her kids. i am 29 years old. after dealing with that for most of my adult lif elast year i said no more. now my son and i go to the beach for christmas. becasue of the way my mother handled my adoption due to the fact that my family is racist and were mad at her for adopting me in the first place it makes it real hard for me to understand family structure and i will not have a family after my mother dies. I know that is probably not your situation but make family the most important thing for both of your kids and you should be ok. show them don't tell them you love them equally.

Answer 12

im a son of an adotptive mother so far she and my dad have adopted 9 children. i love it i have never been better. we were always diciplined when we did something wrong but not too seriously. you know a couple swats, locked in my room for a couple hours, no tv for a week, no phone for the night things like that. you cant spoil them either. that can turn our worse later on. i am now 19 years old and i never regret the disipline my parents gave me.

never accuse them listen to them dont ignore them talk to them. treat them to special events but never too much. give them goals for the week.

like my mom used a system of color cars. green, yellow, orange, red. you started at green  when you got caught doing something bad like yelling at them or not doing your chores she would pull a card at the end of the week depending on what card we were on we would be able to stay up later.

its the little things that will help your children recognise that you are doing your best being a parent and they will relize it later on it happened to me. your a real good person for taking in foster kids and adopting them and for that i thank you.