As an adoptive parent, what should I do regarding my son's blood sibling?

Question

My son has a full blood sister that is a year younger than him. We learned of her birth thru his bio grandparents but were not able to find her in the foster care system (who had removed her from the home). We were not given the opportunity to try to foster or adopt her - or more importantly, my son was not given the opportunity to live with his sister. I've tried finding out info - especially because of my son's genetic disorder (to insure that the sister's new family is aware of the life-threatening issues associated with it). But I keep being told that due to privacy acts, we cannot know anything.

My question is this....I read all the comments by adoptees and worry that my son will resent me for not trying "harder" to find his sister or fighting for her, on his behalf. What would you do as an adoptive parent in this situation?

Thanks in advance for your "respectful" answers.

Answer 1

It's a horrible situation.

First, would you honestly be prepared to adopt his sibling? Or do you want information only so that he could find her one day.

There is a big difference.

If you are actively seeking to adopt, then the grandparents would have the best chance of getting through the red tape. It would probably take a lawyer on their behalf and research and money, but they, being blood, have the best chance.

I feel awful for you. What a position to be in!

No matter, remember whatever comes, that you have given your son a good and proper home, and a good set of parents that will help him when he struggles with this.

Even if he's angry, you are giving him the world by giving him someone he can be angry WITH who will still love him unconditionally.

Answer 2

I wish you all the luck in what sense of direction you choose. if you truely love your son, and concernd about what feelings he will have in the near future when ,"if" told he has a sibling, and you don't have the answers .i would look into this matter more carefully and seek out the other adopted parents for the right reasons.  i believe it is the right thing to do

Answer 3

The fact that you are trying to find his sister should say alot. You are being held back because of red tape. In no way does this reflect on you as a person. I do not think that your son will resent you. I would keep trying, send letters, get a lawyer or a dective to try and track her down. Especially if you feel that her health could be in danger. Each adoption and person is different. So each expereince from adoptee's will be different. Being open and honest with your son regarding his adoption is the best way to combat feelings of resentment. After all you did not force upon his mother the decision to give him up. That choice was between his mother and the adoption agency.

Answer 4

I think that is a real shame.  I don't know enough details of the foster care system to know why you wouldn't be able to get some information.  I don't suppose the agency would be able to pass information along?  I wish I had more information for how you might proceed.  (Might the bio grandparents be able to help?)

I do want to say, though, while I don't know how your son will feel when he's older, I wouldn't resent you.  I might be upset with the system, but it sounds like you've tried.  I wouldn't blame you for being frustrated and needing to move on to other things.  You did try, and that's more than many would do (and have done).  Try not to fret too much over his reaction.  

If other possibilities arise (or others make more helpful suggestions), maybe you can try some more.  I just think it's awful the system isn't working harder to help your son and his sister.

Answer 5

I think what your doing is wonderful and please cont to look for her for your son will be grateful and never hid the fact from him that he does have a sister.

The couple who has my grandson ( my son his fighting to have his son returned after being taken without his consent long story) doesn't care that my grandson has a sister ( she's got to see him 2 times so far) (my son gets visitation with his son)

They ( couple who has child not adopted parents) they can't adopt him want the children to have nothing to do with each other and this is wrong. The children have the same blood running through them and have every right to see and know each other. The state of Maine ruled a while ago that a child in foster care had the right to know and to be in contact with siblings. You might want to run  this in the newspaper and might be able to find her. Good luck

Answer 6

I would definitly not resent you. It seems you have done a lot to try and make a relationship between them possible. It may cause him to be angry at the system when he is old enough to comprehend it, but I see no reason for him to be angry at you.

But, as others have said, keep trying! Can you talk to his birth mother to find out more? (I assume not, as you did not mention it, but anyway..) Can you ask the grandparents for more info?

Best of luck, and thank you for being an adoptive parent who truly puts her childs interests before her own. Its incredibly encouraging and refreshing.

Answer 7

Have you considered going directly to a family court judge and explaining the matter?  Certainly medical information of the sort you describe could be crucial in early diagnosis and treatment even if you are given no opportunity for contact.  A judge can order the agency involved to provide the information in a non-identifying manner.

Answer 8

Have you asked the state if they will forward a message for you?  I know privacy acts have gotten alot more severe, but better records are also kept.  Maybe they will be able to send a letter for you if you mail it to them and have them forward it.  Of course, at that point in time, it would be up to the new adoptive family to decide whether or not to contact you.  

My brothers (the adopted pair) are biological brothers and have five other biological siblings as well.  The two oldest biological siblings and the one biological sibling between the two boys my family was never able to contact.  My parents were told little more than that they existed, and that they had manifested the same medical problems as my brothers before they were adopted out of the foster care system.  However, this was back in the mid 80's and the records back then were not as complete.  Once a family took a child, there was almost no way to track them down.  

Anyway, my brothers also have a little sister and a little brother that were born after my brothers were adopted.  The state happily facilitated communication between the three families.  Unfortunately, after an attempt by the biological father to reverse the adoption (FIVE YEARS after it happened - and he only wanted the daughter, not any of his sons) her adoptive family wanted to just move away and start over.  However, we kept up regular contact with their baby brother (the only child born "clean") with several visits each year until his family moved to California, and even with letters and calls after that until the boys reached adulthood.  

The sister's family will likely be just as eager as you are to make sure she has a link with her brother.  After all, it isn't the kid's fault that their parents weren't able to care for them.  There is no reason why they shouldn't be allowed to know one another.  Keep badgering the state social worker.  There must be SOME way that they can at least pass on a request for you, even if they cannot give you the information themselves.  If nothing else, you may wish to see if you can get a child advocacy lawyer to get involved.  There can be no legal reason to refuse to forward a request for communication, and just the threat of a lawyer may make them open the line.

Answer 9

im 15 i know im a kid and no one wants to hear a kids opinion. i have ahalf brother im adopted and hes like a year younger. and i want to find him. but my adoptive parents and my counciler say that maybe he doesnt know he has a sister and maybe it will make him mad at his mom (my real mom) but i dont know i have a little brother and sister that are also adopted my little bro knows he has a sis but i dont think my little sis knows but try and find her maybe they can solve all ther problems so they feel like there not the only ones that were given up for adoption.

      find her

Answer 10

Do what ever you can to change the system. Write letters, speak out about the need to keep adoptee's identities intact, as well as the need for contact with family

Lobby your legislators to open access, keep searching, visit https://www.adopteerights.net to learn about next year's demonstration for adoptee rights. If you are unable to attend, you can donate.

As an adoptive parent, I believe your voice would be especially valued in these matters. Please add your voice to the open record movement.

Answer 11

First of all, you are doing everything you can so I can't see how your son would ever resent you.  Whether you are hoping to adopt his sister or just share valuable information with her and her foster/adoptive family, I think it is a wonderful thing that you are trying to do for her and your son.  Hopefully, you will find someone who will be willing to help you locate her so that you can at least pass on information on the health condition that your son has; it could be life-saving for her (and her possible future children!!)

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 12

I think it's wonderful that you're thinking of your son's sibling.

It shows great insight into who your child would be concerned about if he were an adult - you're thinking on his behalf.

I'm not sure what channels to go through - as I'm in Australia - but I'd certainly make inquiries about where she is - and try to find her - if for nothing else - to at least let her carers know of her brother - and hopefully down the track some contact can be made.

Certainly place your son's info on the ISRR register and other adoption registers if you can't find her - then when they're both older - hopefully they can find one another.

If I was the adoptee in your son's situation - on growing up - I would be so proud of my adoptive mum if she had at least tried to track her down - and make some kind of contact.

I wish you all the very best in the search.

If both adoptive families and bio families saw adoption as just making bigger families for children - instead of breaking/separating families & making new separate ones - perhaps children who had to be separated from their families would be way better off!?!

I can dream - can't I??

Answer 13

Hopefully, when you decided to finally adopt, you took the "backseat" role, and knew that every decision in the future should be about your child, not what you or others think.  If it were "me", I would do everything possible. Maybe write down a list of what you think the pros and cons will be for him in the long run? I know that slowly, but surely some of the states are now changing their laws so that closed information will be available to adoptees once they turn 18, this is not in every state however.  Also, you mentioned the biological grandparents.........sounds like you have a "team" to work with already, take advantage of it and good luck.

Answer 14

Find her.  See if you can adopt her.  Geez do what you can.  I know its tough but that would be so great if they were together.

Answer 15

Then if they wont give you the details write a letter to them and get them to pass it on to the parents.

Answer 16

You adopted your son, not your son and any other future babies that share the same mother and/or father. I think you need to leave this alone. What if they had kept the baby? Would you stay out of it then or still feel like your son has a right to know his sister? You and your husband are his family now, is the the stance I would take. Your responsibility is to him alone.

Answer 17

Please find her.

How about a private detective?

What about kinsolving.com?