As an aparent, is it possible to "overdo it" when trying to preserve and honour your child's heritage?

Question

An interesting point was made when I spoke about the things I was doing to try and "celebrate" my daughter's Chinese heritage. They mentioned that I might be overdoing it. I am committed to exposing her to her culture, but I admit I am concerned about maintaining a balance between appreciation of one part of her, while trying to make her feel at home in Canada and not constantly pointing out all the ways she is "different" from us. On my "to do" list is language classes, culture camps, cultural celebrations and spending a good amount of time with other Chinese children (particularly adoptees). The language classes are at the top of my list. I know they might be boring to a child, but my thoughts on this are: what if one day she wants to live/work or go to school in China? What if she wants to attempt to find her fparents? Knowing the language would be an amazing asset. But should there be a limit? Should we let them take the lead as to what they want to do to honour their heritage?

Answer 1

As a TRA who has been in contact with her Chinese family who ONLY speaks Mandarin, heck yes encourage your child to learn the language! (There may be more of a chance that your child's other family knows a bit of English, but no guarantee)

[They mentioned that I might be overdoing it. I am committed to exposing her to her culture]

The thing about this is that she's IN Canada - you won't have to put much effort forward to assimilate her into Canadian culture because she'll be living it. However in terms of Chinese culture, you have to put in twice the effort because it's just not everyday living.

[what if one day she wants to live/work or go to school in China?]

Then support her on that. It's part of your job as her mom. If she wants to, say, take a vacation for a month in China or visit during the Mid-Autumn Moon Festival, then plan a trip for her to go. No one said she has to go alone, right?

The school thing, hm. There are programs that allow your child to go abroad however I don't have the links or know the organizations. If you're interested, it's a good research to look into. :)

Someone else mentioned that if you try and teach the original culture's language to a child, that child will reject it because she wants to fit in. Then in her teens (or young adult years) she starts to wonder about her heritage. Then once she's attempted The Search and had varying degrees of luck (or no luck) at contacting her Chinese family, she might think "Darn I wish I had taken those Chinese classes!"

You can't prevent this. If your child ends up not liking the classes.. then she doesn't like them. I don't think you can "make" her like them. But what you can do is try to make them as interesting as possible. It's better than just force-feeding the lessons to them and having them go "What are these strange sounds? Mom, I want to go play with my friends!" etc

Answer 2

I think the language classes are a GREAT idea.  The kids might groan about it now, but have you ever read adult TRA blogs?  I have, and I know quite a few adult TRA's, and the one of the GREATEST ISSUES that comes up is the language barrier when they do reunite or are trying to find their families.

Kids are kids and want to do kid things, sure.  But when they grow up and become adults, THAT is when they start to realize what and who they really are, and what they have missed out on.  

But don't take it from me, take it from the people who are living it.  I'm sure they would have appreciated it if their parents would have "overdone it' very much.

Answer 3

Sure it's possible to overdo it. Just let them take the lead. If they want to learn the language, purchase lessons, but don't buy them first and then expect the child to want to go. Etc.

Answer 4

Hi there. I am Russian by birth and was adopted by a british couple, my parents have always given me russian lessons becuase they believe (so do I) thst any oppurtunity to be bilingual is important. But thats it really, I am british person of russian origin, and I speak the language, but whenever I look into my heritidge I feel odd, as its not my life. My parent never wanted me to feel different from them as I was/am lol , their baby. I think you are overdoing it, you may make her feel like shes an outsider or that your making a big deal over her race/nationality. I dont know you, but as an adopted person of a different culture to my mum and dad, thats what I think. Hope that helps, and good on you for adopting, your a wonderful person for what you have done for your child. She will be so thankful for what youve done, like I was, and itll bring you even closer. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx p.s - just let your kid make their own friends and discover her heritidge as she goes, when she wants, but DO the language lessons, invaluable asset whereever she goes in her life.

Answer 5

I think you could, yes.  If it makes your child feel singled-out.  It will be easier when she is older and you can ask her how she feels.

Answer 6

I saw that answer to your question, and frankly I disagree with that answerer. While, yes, you can bombard them with their own culture and make them feel different or weird....I don't think anything you do with/for your child has to be a rigorous lesson. The cultural celebrations and time with kids like herself will be very rewarding and meaningful...and should be fun for her. Time spent learning the language will be more difficult, but all children get frustrated when learning their primary language...as they are all difficult from the start....just find ways to help her enjoy it and make it both fun and interesting for her. I agree....knowing her birth country's language is not only an asset for future jobs, it is also a huge asset when/if she decides to learn more about her first family and country....just go at her pace and don't overwhelm her and you will be fine!

Answer 7

I think it's definitely possible to overdue it.

For one thing, if she comes home and tells you she hates a particular activity and wants to quit, listen to her.

However, if you can make it fun and she enjoys it, why not?  Also, are you able to afford trips to China, say, every 5 years or so?

Answer 8

My daughter is Indian. We are Christian and her other parents are Hindu. I want to expose her to her culture but am having a hard time wondering what parts are OK. I bought her some Indian cloths and I put a bindi on her occasionally. Her parents keep telling me about Hindu goddess and things to do involving Hinduism. I'm not very comfortable with that. I have a hard time finding out what to share and yes, I don't want her to think she doesn't belong here. Its hard finding that balance. Its more about balanced then limit. My husband says she doesn't need to dress Indian and doesn't like the Bindi....."she is an American"! I would like some language lessons too but I don't know anyone that speaks Kannada.

I do plan on going to India and visiting her parents and they have plans to come here too.

  Good luck on this one. Parenting is all trial and error. You do the best you can.

Answer 9

Well yes, it is possible to overdo it, but I don't think you are. With little kids (pre-tween), I think parents have to take the lead, at least in some things. I completely agree with you on the importance of Chinese language, if you can at all swing it. I think it is like piano lessons for our kids -- something parents might have to make clear is just non-negotiable. A lot of Chinese American and Chinese Canadian families do this also (and a lot do not). I think it is especially important for our kids for the reasons you say, so they will have greater comfort with China and Chinese in the future if they want to visit or live there.

Now things like Chinese dance class or dragon boat racing or martial arts or Lion dancing or calligraphy would be more left up to the child. A parent might expose the child to these things and see if any of them are something they get into, but if the child really wants to do soccer or piano or some other kind of dance or whatever, then that is fine.

And I think being around other adopted kids and adults is very important. Not just from China, either, because there is a lot of the adoptee experience that transcends country and race.

So it is a balancing act, like so much of parenting!

ETA: And in terms of feeling singled out or different, did you know that Li is now the most common name in Canada?!

http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/name-c...