As the daughter, what is my responsibility?

Question

My parents are having marital troubles right now, and I am trying my best to stay distanced from the whole thing. Unfortunately, both my parents have a history of involving all of us kids (4 of us currently ranging from ages 27-33) by treating us as friends or counselors and spilling their guts emotionally to us.

In the current situation, my older brother was asked by my mother to lecture my father about making right choices, ect, while my younger brother has had my father tell him, over many beers at the local bar, many of the sordid details (basically he has had a platonic relationship with another women for about 7 years).

I have yet to offer my 2 cents about all of this, and I want to keep it that way. But since the news has broke, I have been feeling non-verbal pressure from my mom to side with her. She has already insinuated that I side with my dad, and I think she wants reassurance that I don't.

My feeling is, it's not proper for the children to get involved with the parents' marital issues...but now I'm afraid that will come across as just not caring. If I refuse to get involved, it will just make me look like I side with the other parent..and if I mention the subject at all and say 'work it out on your own', I know I will get a whole lot of venting anyways that I don't feel I should have to deal with.

So am I in the right? Or should I try to help them out and give them advice and listen to their frustrations?

Thanks for any input!

Answer 1

I totally agree with you!  It's not your place...and I'd voice that to my mother and my father.  If they get upset with me...oh well.  If you must...be an ear, but keep your opinions to yourself.  If having them (he or she or both) bend your ear regarding the matter turns you off...cut them off in mid stream, than say, "I'm not discussing this with you, so let's change the subject."  

BTW:  Proud of you for staying neutral....  I'm sure it's not easy.

Answer 2

no mater what any of you do it will be wrong so do as you are doing and stay out

Answer 3

Ok, this is a little out there, but when I read your question I knew in my head exactly what I would do if I were in your shoes.  I would print your question and the subsequent answers you receive and give a copy to both your Mom and your Dad.  Nuff said.  Done.

Answer 4

Any time either of your parents bring their problems up, just tell them Mom or Dad,  I love you both, and I'm not going to discuss this with either one of you.  This is between  the two of you and I will not talk about it.  Then change the subject.  If they don't get a clue and continue to try to get you involved then go to the next step and tell them that if they try to continue to involve you, you will just limit your communication with them.  Restate that you love them, but this  is not your issue and it' not fair to try to involve you.  If they continue, then limit your conversation to say a five minute phone call everyother week and keep it on the polite side about safe subjects.

Answer 5

Tell them both the same thing, whatever that may be. Sounds like they need to grow up. You don't have to take a side. They need to make the decision to stay together or separate. If your dad has a (friend) that says a lot that your mom already understands. People grow apart it happens.

Answer 6

hmmmmm

i dont think its fair they each come to you, but i can see it feels pretty natural to them

if it were me, i would listen to each of them, and tell them both the same thing

" you are my mum/dad, and i love you, i will always listen but please dont put me in the middle, i will always be here, but for BOTH of you"

they should repsect that

i'm sorry you are going through this,

i hope you find the strength and it works itself out

for all of you