Ashamed of not "running in the family"?

Question

has any adoptee had the experience of your parents biological child (your siblilng) becoming ill with a disease that runs in their family and your feel ashamed or guilty because it wasnt you?

or maybe to make it more clear, do you feel guilty that you dont have this disease in your genetic make up, but your adoptive sibling is now suffering from it?

Answer 1

You shouldn't be ashamed of anything that you have no control over. Look at it as being the person that will be there for them when they are in need of your help. Angels come in different forms and ways, you're their Angel.

Answer 2

you shouldn't feel like that. my boyfriend is adoptive and it kind of hurts him that he doesn't look like his parents and he doesn't have many traits that his adoptive parents do. he is very lucky to have them as parents and have his brother as a brother. there is a couple times it has splited out when him and his brother were argueing when they were smaller that pointed him out as being adopted. I don't think that was fair. But no one that was adopted should feel down because they aren't like their adoptive parents. I mean you should feel very grateful that there are people out there that can't have children or maybe don't want to give birth to their own children but want to adopt the children that already need a healthy home. you have to look at it this way you dont have the same genetic makeup as your siblings or parents when you are adoptive but each person in the world will have to face different things and all you can do is be supportive and let them know you care.

Answer 3

((Rachael))  It's.Not.Your.Fault.

Now, repeat this over and over and over until it sinks in, please

Take care of you

Answer 4

Rachel,

From a different viewpoint, I sometimes feel "guilty" or bad because I cannot nor will I ever fully understand my son's genetic disorder and what he is going through when he has a crisis.  I know that part of that is the mother/child instinct to take the bad things away and make everything okay, but I think about it a lot and how I'll never be able to tell him that I know what it feels like to have MCAD, and feel guilty in some respects about that.  

I know you were posting this for adoptees, but as an adoptive mom, I also feel the same feelings at times.  You are not alone.

Answer 5

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel !!!!

even if it was bio-siblings, it doesn't mean you would've gotten the illness/disease/affliction.  

my parents had diabetes and heart problems on one side and my mom had cancer (all kinds but especially breast cancer) that ran on her side . . . guess i was more happy that i wasn't their bio at that point!

however, are you confusing shame and guilt with feelings of sorrow and pain for what the bio is going through?  I know parents whose kids are terminally ill will often wish/pray "take me instead . . .he has so much more life to live than i do" and maybe that's what's going through the mind?  i can understand feelings of empathy and sorrow for a loved one who has come down with an illness/disease/affliction but the guilt part may come from being unable to medically do anything to help them.

not well written but i hope you know what i'm trying to say.

Answer 6

dont get yourself down with the 'what if'. there is nothing you can do about it. be there for that person when they need you. and be happy that person has had/will have a great life with a loving family.

Answer 7

Don't feel that way.  Even biological siblings won't carry all the same genes!  Also, it's natural to feel guilty that "it wasn't you"....  even biological siblings feel that way, espescially if they're older.  Since parents tend to focus on the "child who needs the most", other siblings often feel the parents love that child more.  They want their parents to be happy so they wish that it was them who was sick, them who had died, so their parents assumed "favorite" would still be around.  It's common to see in siblings of children with cancer.  

I hope that your sibiling gets better, and I hope you can internalize the logic of not being ashamed.  This is a time for families to stick together and not be torn apart by grief and shame.  God Bless You.

Answer 8

No...no 1 should feel that

because your not in fault..being supportive can be the biggest, helpful and caring thing an adoptee can do

Answer 9

U just need extra attention don't u

Answer 10

Oh i'm so sorry your sister/brother is suffering from an illness that runs in the family. Its not fair that anyone has to go through that, let alone somone you love and care for.

Cancer runs in my adads family like blood. I get so happy sometimes that I don't have it, but then turn around and grieve that they all do. My adad JUST BEAT CANCER. His sister beat it 5 years ago. My grandmother and grandfather on their side weren't as lucky. Its so hard to sit, cancerless and try and help someone.

I will keep your sister on my heart.

Answer 11

I think Contina C is looking for some extra attention by making that comment. You don't know what Rachael is going through, you dont' know how attached she is to her only sister, you OBVIOUSLY don't know how helpless she feels by not being able to do anything to make it better for her sister, or how she didn't see it coming. Rachaels parents are older than most and in poor health, she has been prepared for a while now that she will lose them some day. I guess you just don't realize how much of a kick in the gut it is to have something like that blindside you.

Do you feel better now? Did posting that get you the attention you needed?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but you need to learn some compassion. She's not looking for attention, she's trying to cope with her feelings, which are very real. She's trying to make sense of the stuff that is reeling through her head.

Most times I would ignore an answer like yours but you've hit a sore spot with me. I've been there, and you obvioulsy have not. One day it will happen to you and I can only hope that Rachael and your response to her is the first thing you think of when it does.