At my wits end as a parent...

Question

I am getting really worried. I have 3 children with 1 on the way. My oldest seems unable to tell the truth at all costs. He denies places blame on others and then when there are no alternatives admits. He does this constantly with everything wether important or not. He is already diagnosed bi-polar and add. This is taking it toll on our family very quickly and i am unsure what to do. we have tried couseling, medication, rewards, punishments, talking, yelling, and everything in between. It has even gotten to the point he has been busted twice for stealing. I don't want to be blamed for doing nothing as a parent but i don't know what else to do. please help me.

Answer 1

you could try "tough love"

http://www.helpyourteens.com/tough_love....

good luck.  

Answer 2

He is probably just going through a stage. Since he is bi-polar and ADD it might be making the stage he is going through worse. I was watching The View today and they had the woman from Super Nanny on. She was talking about this actually, and said that you should show no emotion. Just say "Okay" or "Whatever" she said the child is more likely to confess, because they are just trying to get attention from the parent. Also you are doing nothing wrong as a parent i don't think. I went through this stage, my mother even said I did. I would request, although I think it is horrible, getting a leash for him. Not to treat him like a dog, but to keep him at your side and away from trouble, and to congradulate him or give him a reward when he doesn't lie or steal. Even making bets, keeps a child out of mischeif. Tell them if they don't lie for a WHOLE week you will get them a new toy. This will tell the child that being good can offer good things in return. Gradually lower the reward as your child does things naturally. Also make a chart for them. For each child made up of stars. Everytime the child does something good they get a star whenever they do something bad they get one taken away. Do this until they get a certain number of stars, and then they get a prize. My friends do this. So there is some suggestions. I would also try googling Super Nanny tips. To see what she says. She may have a book I am not sure but she is a HUGE help!

Here are some suggestions from Super Nanny!

http://www.supernanny.com/

(official website)

http://abc.go.com/primetime/supernanny/i...

http://www.parentsurvival.org/blog/_arch...

Answer 3

I teach special ed and am appalled at the suggestions to send him away or medicate him.  You are trying everything you can to deal with his difficulties, and you should be applauded for that.  He doesn't need boot camp or boarding school!  

There is alot of research-based data to show that changing his diet can significantly help with ADD issues.  It may also help with the bipolar.  There are many support groups and websites for parents of children who have these disabilities.  Many of them will give details about helpful diets (not "cut out sugar", but REAL diet changes as far as foods to avoid and foods to increase).

I know you said you've tried praise, but I don't know how you did it.  If you haven't tried this, it may work: set him up multiple times during the day to tell the truth - watch him do something (anything... put away a book or put his dishes in the sink or flush the toilet... however small it is) and ask if he did it, "Did you put the book away?"  Give him the opportunity, when he did something right, to brag about it.  "Yes, Mommy, I did put the book away."  "Oh, I'm so proud of you!!!"  It might seem stupid to praise him for doing little things, but he might get to a point where he starts seeking the praise.  If you do catch him doing something wrong - especially little things at first, like not putting his dishes in the sink - ask if he did it.  If he lies, be very matter-of-fact: "I saw you leave your plate on the table.  Please put your dish in the sink."  Try to avoid getting angry or engaging in "Why are you lying?" conversations or accusing him of lying, as these will put him on the offensive and give him reason to lie more.  Many times, I'm sure he doesn't even realize he's lying.  He's so used to saying whatever he thinks the answer should be, he doesn't even realize it's not what actually happened.  

If he is a video game player, you may want to phase that out.  Research shows it can have a negative effect on the bipolar brain.  His ADD, on the other hand, requires alot of stimulation in order to function effectively.  Try having music on around the house at all times.  Buy him fidget toys (squeeze balls, etc.).  If he's having a tough time focusing on your conversation, give him something else to do (like squeeze the stress ball) and he'll be better able to focus.  

Lying is very normal for an 8yo, especially with his disabilities.  It's frustrating and annoying and drives us insane, but unfortunately it's normal.  Not all kids do it, but it is still a very normal behavior.  It's part of his learning process.  Children who have bipolar or ADD (especially like him who have both) learn social behaviors slower than other kids, so while most kids his age have moved past the lying stage, he's still in it.  

As far as the stealing, my bet would be it's impulsive.  He's not stealing in his mind - he's taking something that he saw and liked.  I can't imagine he did it maliciously; he just wanted it!  Give him opportunities to pay at the store.  I know he "knows" he needs to pay for things, but maybe if he is actually doing the paying, he'll start to truly associate it in his brain.  Give him a dollar and let him buy a 5-pack of gum for himself or something else teeny tiny each time you go to the store.  If the other kids protest, let them each take turns.  Today, Johnny pays.  Tomorrow, Kara pays.  Etc.  

Good luck.  Be patient.  Make time for yourself.  Congratulations on your newest addition!  Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Well I think you need to seek counseling and you need to get your eldest child into some sort of institution,even for a short time.You obviously need a break?It is almost impossible to treat bi-polar without some help.Have you got a church counselor or someone in an agency?

Your son can only be helped by a professional.Good Luck!

Answer 5

An answer to your important question.

Please call with any problem, anytime:

Girls and Boys Town "National Hotline"

Phone: [phone]  (toll free)

Email: [e-mail]

Answer 6

If you have done counseling and he is now getting arrested, then you need to send him to some kind of a program.  Used to be military school was all that was available, but there are other programs now.  I would get him into something before he ruins your whole family.  What happens when you have one rotten egg is the other kids start to feel they aren't important cuz the bad kid gets all the attention.  they can also develop a lot of behaviour problems.  I would get him into some kind of program.  

Answer 7

I'm going to disagree with everyone and say what he needs is not harsher punishment, but an unconditionally accepting love.  He probably doesn't tell the truth because he is afraid of what will happen.  What you have to figure out is why he is stealing in the first place?  He probably just wants attention, and if negative attention is all he can get, he'll take it.  Read "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn--it absolutely changed my relationship with my child and has made so many of her behavior problems go away.  Little kids need unconditional love, not tough love!

You could also try "play therapy"--sometimes when you have a hard to reach kid, the only way to get them to open up is through playing with them in a special way.  Read "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen.

Try to figure out why he is doing what he is doing, rather than trying to figure out how to get him to stop.

Answer 8

Hi

I know what your going through I am diagnosed with bipolar my self and so is my husband so my daughter has no chance but to be bipolar but I'm glad I can be prepared and have understanding for unlike my parents did they had no idea until I was 13 years old.We go to this amazing psychiatrist. He has provided wonders for us it doesn't matter what age you are. He majors in bipolar disorder, OCD. And many other things but mostly Bipolar and ADD and stuff related to it. He has saved peoples lives he will provide the perfect amount of medication for your son. He gets the family history and all that he's amazing at the correct diagnosing. Have you looked into DHS for financial assistance they can help whatever the income that's how my parents got help for my sister who still lives at home.they have a good income but still can't afford to pay out of pocket.please email me at [e-mail]  

Answer 9

Military school.  

Answer 10

hey i dont really know if im going to be much help, but i feel for you. i understand the feeling of not being able to afford thoudsands of dollars, who can? - rich ppl. the modern day family just doesnt have that kind of money lying around. and to be honest i dont think he needs boot camp or such. i think that it may be an attention thing, maybe he isnt getting enough of you for his liking? try and have a one on one time with him everyday. talk about his feelings and why he does the things he does. or make up a feelings box, for him to write down his feelings and you read them out and discuss with him each night. tell him it makes you sad, then say do you want to make mummy sad?? reward him with positive feedback, when he does something right say in an entusiastic voice "wow what a good boy, you make mummy really happy when you do that!" and give him a hug n kiss. affection is very important in him feeling important. also your pregnant - congrats on that! involve him in that, say to him things like, im going to need your help to look after the baby when it comes, can you be a big boy and help out? and say " you can feed him/her and play with her" you will be a good big brother!!"

with children with attention disorders all they need is for someone to talk to them and listen. this takes time and persistance, but keep him in a routine which is also important, keep his mind occupied, try crafts, helping you out with the housework, playing together outside. give him a small pet to care for eg a mouse, bird or fish, this will make him feel good and important.

i hope i helped you.

Answer 11

Well, what do the doctors say?  Is this lieing a symptom of the bipolar or the ADD?  Or is it something else?  What do the psychiatrist or psychologists say?  

If he is bipolar, stay on the drugs.  I have observed they help ~ with the right ones.  

And by the way, if you can't afford to pay for the help needed by 1 child why are you having another, let alone the 3 you already have?  I think you need counseling too.  You could have more children that are bipolar and ADD ~ then where will you be?  

Bottom line ~ get some help from a professional, doctor, or psychologist.

Answer 12

I want to start with your comment about boot camps, etc....  DON'T DO IT!!  The success rate is minimal, it puts your family in a major financial burden and your child may very well end up resenting you.  He is ONLY 8!!!!!

He is old enough to know right from wrong.  At a calm moment, you and hubby should sit with him and tell him the new rules.  If you lie, your world ends.  This means, if I catch you in a lie, I will take EVERYTHING from you.  Toys, tv, games, clothes, door, etc..  You may earn each item back by showing GOOD behavior and doing extra chores.    Tell him what you view as good behavior.  If he steals, he must return the stolen item, write an aplogy letter and needs to be grounded.  Get him involved in sports.  Being a part of a team will help him gain some self esteem and will tire him out!!  Take him out on dates.  Just the two of you.  Take him to a movie or let him pick what he wants to do.  This will help him feel like he is getting your attention in a positive way.  No matter what, be consistant.

Answer 13

this isn't your  fault. he seems to need to start over. he obviously has taken for granted the community and support all around him. i would actually suggest boarding school (not for a long time!! dn't worry! maybe just a term or two?) or a strict yet not boot camp. he'll be put in line.  

Answer 14

he needs meds and a good doctor and therapits. you hae to keep taking him and moving on and helping him its in great need for him to do this taek care and god speed.

Answer 15

that is completely horrible. the only thing i can tell you is sit down with him and really try and get through to him. that is the only thing you can do for him. if you can't get through to him soon he will be lost. he is probably hanging out with the wrong crowd and doing drugs. you HAVE to make it clear to him he needs to change and why and how destructive he is being to the whole family, everyone. he needs to know. good luck.

Answer 16

U know the show Nanny 911, Call Nanny