At what age can a child choose which parent to live with?

Question

My husband and I are possibly going to split up, we have a 10.5 month old. He has made it clear that if we do split, he will do everything in his power to turn her against me - ridiculous I know. I was just wondering, at what will courts take into account where a child says they would prefer to live? I'm so scared of losing her just because he can afford to buy her everything which I wouldn't be able to. Plus he has a huge family, whereas I just have my sister and I and I'm scared she'll prefer to be part of that permanently rather than be with me. Help!

Answer 1

his power will be limited.  children of that age love their daddies, but they NEED their mums.

his financial circumstances will not really affect the situation.  you are far more likely to win custody of the child than he is, particularly if you have any evidence that he is using her as a weapon against you rather than acting in her best interests.

if you win custody, he will have to make financial contributions to her anyway, so the material circumstances will have little effect on the outcome of any court procedings.

if he loves his child, he should be prepared to share custody of her with you, and if he's reasonable at all he should be able to see that the person who suffers most if he tries to turn her against someone who loves her is your daughter herself, not you or him.

you say your daughter is 10.5 months - did you mean years?!  if she's 10 months, she will most likely stay with you as she is too young to decide for herself.  if she's 10.5 years, she will be more than capable of deciding for herself what she wants, and it's up to you and your husband to make sure that you take time out from your selfish (i'm sorry, but they are - your child should come first) battles to take account of her feelings and opinions and the effect it has on her.  you could try getting her to write letters to both you and her father to explain how she feels about the whole thing, without influence from either of you.  this could maybe be done under the guidance of a family counsellor.

whatever happens in the future, whether or not you remain together, you and your husband will need to work together to promote the welfare of this child.  you must provide consistent parenting even if you are not together.  if you don't, your daughter will end up unbalanced, angry and probably very spoilt in compensation for the issues between you and your husband.

there's no way in the world that you will be denied access to your child, and with regular contact you will still be able to build a strong relationship with her - but you must accept that your husband will want to do the same.  you have to trust your daughter to understand that being bought presents and spoilt are not the only worthwhile things she can get from a parent.

Answer 2

It depends on the maturity of the child. There is no set age at all. Children have a voice in child custody cases. A good judge will see through a parents attempts to damage their child's relationship with the other parent.

Your best bet would be to arrange a 50/50 custody agreement instead of going for full custody with visitation, unless your ex chooses to act like a child himself and do as he says he will. That is just so pathetic. He is using the child to get back at you and this plan of his will backfire and hurt your child more than any divorce will.

Maybe you could get a good mediator and have them explain the hurt he will cause his daughter if the two of you can not resolve this difficult situation as caring parents who have only the best interest of the child in mind.

Answer 3

Well my parent divorced when I was younger and my sister and I lived with mother. The judge decided though that when we were 13 we could decide who we wanted to live with. So you have time.

On another note, when my parents separated, my mom wasn't working and moved out to live in an apartment above my grandma but she got a job right away so by the time she was ready to move out, she still got custody of my sister and I, even though my dad was better off. If your child is still an infant there is a good chance that the child will stay with you. An infant needs its mother more. It's hard to turn an infant against any parent. So don't worry about that. Your baby will love you because you love him. Good luck and I hope all will go well.  

Answer 4

What state do you live?

Because I know a guy who's parents were divorced and his dad lived in Washington and he said you only have to be 14 in Washinton to pick who you can live with and his mom lived in Oregon.

p.s. Your husband sounds like an as$hole!

Answer 5

Courts usually take a childs desire into consideration at the age of 10-12 years old.

Answer 6

Is this split not avoidable? This baby is too tender to witness this situation all the same I don't know what caused this move.  I Think child' s right has to come in here the mother will take custody of the child who is underage till when he/she grow up to the age of 18 and above. When they can speak for themselves.

Answer 7

16.  Is he 10 and a half? Or 10 months old??? Either way if you and your partner decide he is to live with you then he will have to until 16.

Answer 8

Courts often don't allow children into divorce cases - it would be pretty traumatic. If it's a custody case, it would be best for your daughter to write a letter to the judge rather than appear in court. There is no actual age where a court will take into account her feelings - but I'd say if the letter is thought out and well written (maybe by age 12) then a judge would consider it. If your husband is clearly swaying your child's opinions, you have to bring that up in court too.

If you split now, I doubt your husband would get custody of your daughter. She's so young and courts favor the mother. Bring up the threat your husband made when you're in court.  

Answer 9

i think like 18yrs or maybe 16 ur husband sounds like a total d**k

Answer 10

Not sure about the age thing, but alot can happen in these years. Just be a responsible parent and always put your child first, that way he will have nothing on you, by the time your child is old enough to make its own decisions both yours and your husbands circumstances are sure to be very different, ie. new families etc.. If he re-marries and has more kids.. will his new wife want someone elses child? Unlikely.

Don't worry, just do the best you can. Your child won't want to leave you anyway. Good luck.

Answer 11

i don't think you need to worry about that,she's far too young at the moment.concentrate on how to deal with your husband.no matter how well off he is,all a child needs is a lot of love and a stable home.if you can give her that then you've got no problem.good luck.

Answer 12

I think in the UK its about 11 or 12 years old. You need a solicitor but children just about always stay with their mother no matter how wealthy the father is. I think you are worrying about something that might or might not happen in 11 years time.

Best of luck.

Answer 13

There's many factors a court takes into consideration when looking at child custody. The child's view is a very small part, especially at a young age, and courts are well aware of how children can be bought off etc.

When the child's about 8ish, the courts take SOME consideration of the child's view. But this depends on the child's maturity too. Anything under about 8 years isn't really considered.

But other factors such as quality of care, not wanting to change the status quo (regarding schooling, child's home etc), where other siblings live and other factors affect the decision.

Above all the primary concern is the welfare of the child.  It's not the size of the house or wallet of the parent, as long as you have a home, it is clean etc.  You need to be able to show you can care for the child of course, which doesn't necessarily mean passing her round to other members of the family, like your husband might do.

As I emphasised a judge can see through a child who is being 'bought off'.

As a positive note, usually (but not by any means always) the mother gets custody.  Joint custody is also becoming increasingly common, espcially if the parents live close together.

Answer 14

You're worrying too much!! Your Husband knows that your Daughter is better off with you at this young age. Even if he decided to apply for full custody, there is no court in this land that would separate that child from it's Mother UNLESS, there was a great deal of proof that that child was not being cared for properly, or it was suffering in it's current environment!! Your Husband may very well try to turn your Daughter against you as she becomes a little older, but what you have to do is ALWAYS remain nice and pleasant about Her father, NEVER slag him off to her and in time she will realise that you are the parent who has always shown love and respect, and she will see her father as the one who is always being nasty about her Mother, which believe me goes down like a lead balloon when they reach about 16!! She will know in her heart that you are and will always be there for her and I don't think she would have any trouble making a decision, between someone who always shows love or someone who is unkind about her Mother!

Think about it, what would you chose? Good luck.

Answer 15

Your husband sounds like a real jerk.

What country do you live in?

Statistically, most fathers arent in regular contact with their children five years after a break up, so he may loose interest and not be a problem.  

Answer 16

depends on the country, in most countries its 16, in some countries its more like 13+ as they consider a 13 year old able to think independently  

Answer 17

Does not matter wether you are poor or not or wether you have a big family etc. If your daughter is well loved and looked after by yourself then then court favours the mum to have the child mainly!

Sorry to hear your going to go through all the court battles etc and the pain of having an nasty ex, been there myself.

Good luck : )