At what age do you tell a child the he/she is adopted?

Question

At what age do you tell a child the he/she is adopted?

Answer 1

At any age where they understand. Basically have a sit down, explain the whole process..

Answer 2

Im 20 yrs old and i have always known i was adopted

Answer 3

Imo, you should always tell them, from the very beginning in an age appropriate way that they are adopted, and what adoption means.  Maybe with very young children you could tell them the story of their adoption, the way most kids get told about their birth?  l think another nice way is to make your own book, with photos of the child and you at the time of adoption, that way you can personalise it with their name and everything, but give them information at the same time.  The only thing l don't like is for adoptive parents to tell the children how 'lucky' they are, but you should tell them they were wanted and well loved, by their birthparents as well as you.  Just give the child as much info as possible and help them bridge the gap between their family of origin and their family now.

Answer 4

before they start school

Answer 5

You talk about adoption from day one!

Answer 6

I have started telling my son since his birth.  I read stories about adoption and I tell him about his birth mother who gave him to me. I don't know if he fully understands at 3 but he will and it will be no big deal as he will have heard about it all his life

Answer 7

I am 22 and I am adopted, as is my younger brother. Our parents told us from the time we could understand, and probably before that. I think this is the best way. The longer you wait, the harder it is for the child to understand, and the more resentful they can be towards you as a parent.

Answer 8

Tell them from the start.  I can guarentee you if you tell your adopted child when they are 10 that they are adopted they will hate you.  Does it mean you didn't trust them, why didnt you tell them earlier, what made you think they wouldn't want to know?  All those will be going through their heads. I remeber my friend was told she was adopted before her 9th birthday.  She was SOOOO mad at her parents and had a horrible birthday.

My uncle was told ever since he was a baby that he was adopted, and he's fine with it.

Answer 9

We have chosen to simply make his adoption part of his life story, and not have a big dramatic "reveal" at a certain age. When he is old enough to understand he will already be familiar with the terms, and the people since we have an open adoptions and birth-family visits regularly.

Answer 10

My theory is the younger the better

Answer 11

Earlier the better. Read them stories about adoptions, there are many children's books available. Let them know that their life and your family is unlike any other traditional families. It's okay to tell them, I know--trust me... I'm adopted too.

Answer 12

I agree, Im an adoptee, I've always known I was adopted and actually dont really ever rememeber my parents actually telling me I was. I've just always know. You should tell them from day one. That makes it soooooo much easier. You can cause alot of unnessesary pain in your childs life if you tell them when they are older. By that time they already have there identity .

Answer 13

I agree about when they are young - tell them. Don't be secretive - adoption is so wonderful and special!!!

Answer 14

i cant remember a time i DIDNT know. okay maybe i didnt understand it when i was very young, but i remember at pre-school telling the class on a presentation day that i was adopted. it was always with me, and i wouldnt have it any other way. i know 2 families with children whom are adopted, that do not know. one girl is 10 and they may or may not tell her when she turns 18. one is 23 and doesnt know. for me, it would have been an awful mess if they didnt tell me. i was actually going to school with my biological cousins, and one of them apporached me one day in high school to ask if i wanted to meet my biological mother. it would have been a very uncomfortable situation for all parties involved if i didnt know i was adopted. i feel like if a parent doesnt tell their child, that they are lying to them.

EDIT:

look into getting a Lifestory book. you can download one, make one, or buy one. it is a wonderful option and a great way to bond with your child while helping them to understand.

also, there are great books out there. todd parr is fantastic!

Answer 15

When they're old enough to process the information and understand that they were adopted out and adopted in because they were loved so much.  Most parents I know who've adopted (and I know a lot), have told their children around the age of 7.  But it could be younger or older, depending on the emotional and intellectual maturity of the child.

Answer 16

I was always taught to put the shoe on the other foot.  If you were the adopted child, when would you want to be told?  Would you have regrets if people waited till you were older?

Answer 17

Basically the child should know from the beginning.  There are baby books our that are really good.  They are for reading to the child from the beginning so the child always knows that he/she has been adopted.  I don't know a day of my life when I didn't know I was adopted.  I remember my baby books, I did end up giving them to my cousin when she adopted a child. I truly think it's better if the child knows from the beginning, there should never be a question.  I think the child actually fits in better into the family if they know they are adopted and the rest of the family knows. It just becomes a part of life and doesn't become an issue.

Answer 18

Start talking about it when they are 2 1/2 or 3 years old or even younger.  They wouldn't get it totally but the word adoption will not be  foreign  to them. Once they get older and are able to more understand.  There are storybooks on adoption that parents can read, just do a search on amazon on Adoption.

I know a woman who has a Gotcha Day for her adopted kids. just to celebrate the day they got them. Its kind of like a 2nd birthday. They get presents and cake etc. So from the start they have something positive to related to  adoption.  Having 3 times a year to get presents (Birthday, x-mas(or Hanuka) and Gottach day).

The earlier  is probably the better from what i have read and seen many adoptives who have issues are ones who weren't told till they were teenagers , if not older that they were adopted.

Answer 19

I seem to have always known.  I was adopted at birth so my adoptive family is my only family as far as I am concerned.  I have no inclination to ever go looking for any biological relatives though my family has made it clear that it would be ok with them if I wanted to.  I don't look like anyone in my family so there was no way to keep it a secret but it was never a big deal.

Funny story: I am adopted but my little sister is "home grown."  I used to make her cry as a kid because I told her I was special because I was picked and our parents just got stuck with her. :-)

Answer 20

i think the people who want to adopt a child they want 6 or 7 month baby's because in this age child want only warm lap.

Answer 21

I also am adopted and l have always known l really don't recall being told, but my parents always told me that l was loved and l was chosen to be their daughter, l have never had any hang ups about adoption and l now have a son who is adopted from the Phillipines and we are looking into adoption/permanent care as well.  Good luck and just love you child and always let them know how special and loved they are and you shouldn't have any problems.

Answer 22

tell tham a 13 years old

Answer 23

Current research suggests that children should not be told at a certain point that they were adopted.  They should just grow up knowing that they were adopted.  Read to them or tell them their adoption story as toddlers and they will just know.  Nothing shocking to traumatize them later.

I suggest reading the experiences of adopted adults who were hurt by find out at some point in their life rather then growing up with the knowledge.  Some felt betrayed by their parents for keeping secrets and found it damaging to their relationships.

In my opinion, adopted adults are the best resource for adoptive parents when trying to sort out what to do, what not to do.

Answer 24

The younger the age the better.  Don't keep this a secret!!!  I am adopted and was never told until I was about to give birth to my son at age 31.  It is a lot harder when you are older to find out.  If you know the birth families background - tell the child.  He should know where he/she came from.

Answer 25

From the beginning.  Why hide it?

Answer 26

We have never hid the fact from our son.  We brought him home at six months and used the "adoption" word freely in our home.  At the age of 4, he now knows that we celebrate Welcome Home Day and Adoption Day, and understands that he lived with someone else before he lived with us.  As he matures, different questions arise and it is so easy to answer them for him because we don't have to explain the whole "adoption" thing from the start.  The reality is that we feel that a child who grows up believing that this is a normal process of a family (which for us it is), will not feel betrayed, etc., in the future.

Answer 27

Its good to let the child know when they are young. Like 7 or 6. That's when they will understand. If you tell them when they are a teenager than it will be very hard considering all the hormones and stuff that they are going through at that age.