At what age is it appropriate to tell a boy his absent dad is just a jerk?

Question

I have tried very, very hard not to bad-mouth my ex-husband to our son, but as the child gets older, the questions get more frequent, and more difficult. He's nine now: Mommy, why does daddy love his other children but not me? If it takes 9 months to grow a baby in your belly, how come daddy has a kid 6 months younger than me? Mommy can I build a time machine like that kid from Meet the Robinsons and go back in time to when my daddy wanted me?

Sugar-coating this is getting tougher. How old does the boy have to be before I say to him, "Kid, I'll level with you. Your daddy is a black-hearted trainwreck on his 4th wife who has ruined the lives of everyone close to him. The kindest thing he ever did for you was abandon both of us before you were born, and some day when you meet your half-brothers and sisters, I guarantee they'll tell you that YOU were the lucky one. He loves you like crazy, but if he wasn't too ashamed to face you, he would tell you NOT be like him when you grow up!"?

Answer 1

The correct time to tell your child that his Dad is a ####head is NEVER!!!!!! Believe me, he will figure out that for himself. Don't try to make yourself out to be the victim, EVEN IF YOU ARE!!!!!! Don't make him pay the price for loving you. What you say is, "Your Daddy and I were once very much in love and because we loved each other, we made you. Even tho Daddies and Mommies sometimes fall out of love, they NEVER FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOU." Keep your pain to yourself. You made a bad decision. We all do sometimes. Don't make your little boy pay for it by forcing him to make a choice. If it's any comfort, I'd bet money he'd choose you. Just don't make him do that. I know you hurt, but you're the grown-up. Suck it up and be the Mom your son needs you to be. God bless you and I'll pray for you and your son.

Answer 2

At no age.

He didn't chose his dad - YOU did. So I would just explain to your son at about eight or nine, and say you are very sorry that you made a mistake and made bad choices in picking your husband and his dad.

Answer 3

It's never appropriate. Even though his father is a complete ***, it is never ok to bad mouth the other parent in front of them. Just tell him the truth, you don't know why his father is like that. Yes, you know he's a jerk, but you don't know WHY he grew up to be horrid. Think of it this way, don't badmouth his dad and perhaps your son will grow up knowing that that is not the right thing to do. Teach him to be respectful, even though some people don't deserve respect. Hopefully this will help him to grow up to be a better person than his father is.

Answer 4

As soon as he starts asking questions, answer truthfully but not in a hurtful way, explain but nicely.

Answer 5

I have on occasion said not so nice things about my daughter's father!  I wish I hadn't because even though my daughter (she will be turning 14 soon) has seen her father for what he truly is!!  One thing I have learned is this:

Your child  will find out for themselves what the other parent is really like without you bashing them!

Even though your child may already know what the other parent is like...it still hurts them to hear when other's or their one parent puts the other down because it is still that child's father/mother and even if they rarely see them or not at all...because it is still their father/mother..they still "love" them!!

One thing I did always say to my daughter is that, " her father really does love her very much!!  He just doesn't know how to be a father!"  I would then explain that some people just don't know how to be a parent to some of their children, you don't know why that is, but; it doesn't mean that they aren't loved because they are!!"

I always tell my daughter that it has never, ever been her fault that her father is not in her life!!  For her father is an adult and no child can make this choice for an adult!!  (because some children if not all of them will at some point in their life feel it had something to do with them!)

I have also started to tell my daughter the truth about her father!  I don't sugar coat anything anymore!  But, it also means I don't sit there and call him names or put him down!!

"Yes", the odd time I have out of frustration to which I have always apologized to her for!  Which is also something her father has never done when it comes to him calling her and telling her that I and him were fighting or I was yelling at him or I am trying to do this to him etc..  I show my daughter I can make mistakes but I can also apologize for I too am human!

When kid's are around 12-13 years of age (or at least it is when I started!  My daughter already had her ideas about her father!!  I just felt the truth needed to be said but absolutely try not to put him down or call him names!!  It is and always still will be their other half-> be it father/mother!!

Even children whose parent's beat them and abuse them still love their parent's and try to cover up for them!  Why would it be any different for our own children to do the same?

Good Luck!!  And bite your tongue more often than not!!  But, the truth shall set you free....providing it isn't something that is going to drastically harm your child mentally or do some kind of damage!!  I mean we need to use discretion of course, especially for the age they are!!

Answer 6

i feel so strongly about this subject.AT NO AGE SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR CHILD HIS FATHER IS A JERK.I REPEAT AT NO AGE IS THAT O.K.  your son knows and will always feel that he is part of you and part of  his father. all you will do is make him feel like there's a part of HIM that is as terrible as his father is.  your son needs a hero and you are the perfect person to be his hero. you have to remember YOU picked this man to be the father of your child.  i too picked a loser to father one of my daughters and she ask a lot of the same questions. i never wanted her to feel bad about her self or the fact her dad was a dead beat that never cared about any one but him self. as did you i picked him. i always told her that daddy had lots of problems and knew he could not be the kind of father that he  knew she deserved to have but that he loved her as much as he was capable of loving any one.  i knew that as she got older she would see for her self what kind of a man he was  and i wanted her to base her opinions on what she grew up to see not how horrible i  made him out to be.

Answer 7

i know it is hard, but you have to stay strong, my ex is in my girls lives, they are now 8 and 12, believe me they will find out for themselves (mine get it) they love their dad but they know.

i know your situation is different, and yes it is HARD, but he is also going to remember  you bad mouthing his dad. i just tell my girls..."i'm sorry your dad said that, i cannot help what your dad decides to say about me""... you see my ex talks to our girls like they are adults or his friends, they do not need to hear bad things, (even if they are true!!) hey eventually figure it out for themselves, you just have to be there to pick up the pieces!! now and again i cannot help but get frustrated when they tell me something, i just take a deep breath and try to say something back positive, i even try and ask them how it felt when their dad says nasty things, they hurt real bad,

good luck, just know you are raising a beautiful boy who will NOT turn out like his dad, which is a great thing....stay strong

Answer 8

Well, this is a tough one.  I also have a son whose father is a jerk to say the least.  But, you know, I have ALWAYS told my son the truth.  I would say when he was around 9 or 10 he would ask me things.  I always told him the truth, but not "your dad is a jerk".  Just that he doesn't do things the right way alot and someday it is going to come back to him.  And sometimes I just have to say, "I don't know how to explain it."  My son is now 13 and his dad has custody (because he played me dirty...long story) and he tells me now that he understands more having to live with him, but also knows that he can ALWAYS come to mom because I've never lied to him.  I'm not sure if that helps at all, but I hope at least a little.

Answer 9

I surely don't know how I would answer those terribly sad questions. Maybe you shoudl consider talking to a counselor, a professional would probably know a more correct way of dealing with it. But I wouldn't tell your son the bad things about him. It will just confuse him further. Gosh it's so sad to see absent fathers. Kids need both parents, that's just how God meant for it to be. I'm sure you pull the weight of the mother AND father role but naturally your boy wants a daddy. That breaks my heart!!!!! God bless!

Answer 10

there is no right age to say that...ever. My twins are 13 and their bio dad signed over his rights to them and never wanted a relationship with them. Luckily for them they have my husband who I have been with since they were born (we dated when I was pregnant after bio dad left) so to them he has always been dad. They have always known they have another father, their birth father who was absent. I have always been honest with them about who their real father is ans so forth.

I would never bad mouth him. he few times when my boys have asked why he didn't want them I have told them the truth...I have no idea why but that it takes some people a long time to "grow up" and realize what is important in life and that I think he just doesn't know what he is missing and that someday he will probably regret his choices. I use this as an opportunity to teach them how important it is to make good choices in life so you don't have so many regrets later. Every choice you make can impact your own life as well as others lives. I tell them that someday when they are grown they might have the opportunity to ask him their questions but that for now, as hard as it is to understand, they are better off and are lucky to have so many people who do love them and are not missing out.

Eventually your son will figure out his own feelings about his father and the type of person he is and then he won't resent you for putting him down. He will respect you for staying nuetral and just trying your best to make him feel good.

Answer 11

Never! No matter what YOU think of the jerk it isn't your son's problem. You're his mother and you have a moral obligation to make him feel loved, wanted, and important. If you don't know how to answer his questions go to your local library and get some books on the subject. Ask other parents who have gone through it also. But you NEVER tell your child what you think of the absent parent. Trust me, if that parent is as bad as you say they are your child will figure out on their own in due time. And that is how it should be.

Answer 12

there is always going to be some bad blood with you two but do not go off and bad mouth his father in front of him... he is always going to ask questions but you as the mother have to just keep telling him.... he did not want to be around... keep it at that... he will form his own opinion of his father and that is how it is supposed to be....

Answer 13

Listen to Bloodhound who answered above.  It sounds like you actually have a whole passionate speech worked out.  Resist delivering that speech at all costs.

You son needs to make his own decision about his father.  My brother's ex wife was a horrid person who left my nephews with him when they were an infant and a toddler.  They asked questions the whole time they were growing up.  My brother told them that their mom was young and not ready to be a mother.  End of story.  

When my nephews grew up, they contacted their mother, who freaked out and told them not to bother her.  They were old enough to handle the truth, and while it hurt temporarily, they recovered quickly.  It's not your place to lay all of your own anger toward your ex on your son.  It WILL backfire on you should your ex husband mellow with age just about the time your son seeks him out.  As bad as he may be or may have been, he will turn into Mr. Sweet just about the time you are dealing with a difficult teenager who needs a male role model.  You may find yourself on the losing end of things, and if your ex EVER has something to offer your son, it's better than nothing.

Answer 14

DO NOT untill hese 16 thats when kids are more aware of thing in life. dont ruin his childhood please parents always make that d**n misteak hese going to be growing up thinking my dad hates me and stuff because of YOU when hese 16 and more aware of things he'll no right from wrong and hed understand what his father was wrong about.

Answer 15

though i dont have an answer to your question im curious to see your answers i have a 7 month old son and the daddy seems to be the same kinda guy!! i know its a long time from now but i have no clue what and how i should tell my child!!! good luck with everything!

maybe just try telling him like daddy just isnt the best guy....etc...no clue i wish i could help:)

Answer 16

Omg you got bad feelings for your ex..

For the questions make up good lies that don't heart his feeling and tell him when he understands more like at 10 or 11

Answer 17

My step Kids (twins) mother has not seen them since 1997, they are 14 now. When they were little we said she lived far Away, a few years ago we just told them that some people were not capable of being good parents  she knew she could not do it so she stayed away. No need to bad mouth, He figure out what kind of guy his dad is on his own.

Answer 18

Don't ever bash the other parent.  To be honest, this will only hurt your childs relationship with you.  Let them figure it out on their own...        It shouldn't be too hard for it to be realized.

Answer 19

He will figure it out someday, but a child needs to feel loved, even by one of those dads.  If he asks, give him truthful answers without any of the editorials.  It wasn't his fault he had a father like that.  

Sometimes the child will think if you don't like that other person and "sent them away", perhaps you might do the same thing to them and you wouldn't ever want your child to feel that way.

Answer 20

As hard as it is you just keep answering eye to eye..."I don't know why he doesn't want to be with you,he is missing out on the funnest boy I know! Remind him how much you love playing with him and seeing him smile, maybe have him tell you something fun you 2 could do right now! and it moves it on and if he seems like he is just really down maybe you can help him write a letter to his father - ask him himself and I don't expect "daddy" to write back, or what ever but at least your boy  releases some of it...imagine being a kid being told your dad is junk...trust me your son will find someway how that means he must be junk too...kids internalize things and think in ways that adults just don't  - He will find out all on his own every truth you want him to know.,.and the person that will teach him that is his daddy...My father told me he would never speak for my mother, from the time I started asking and you know he was right he never went there-he always was honest with out explaining ANYTHING for her,... you don't either...as hard as it must be you don't ever want to speak for him even to tell your son about him - he'll know all to soon and just let it go down and be mom and that is what your boy will know - that He could ALWAYS count on you-

Answer 21

There is no age.  whether you like your ex husband or not you CHOSE to make a baby with that man.  Frankly I would tell my son to ask his father those questions.  But you have no right to say those things about the child's father to  the child.  If he was so bad why didn't you leave him BEFORE you got pregnant?  Don't blame your ex husband for the choices YOU made.