At what age should I tell my kids that they have other siblings?

Question

Upon recieving my kids unidentifying disclosure documents, I discovered that they have a half sister by their father with a different mother. I also discovered recently that their mother had another child a year after they were adopted, who died two months later. He was a boy.

The kids are 5 and 4 right now. I have never told them this aspect of their heritage or adoption. I am very unsure of when they should know this information. I certianly do not want them to be shocked by it in later years or feel that I kept something from them. Part of me feels that I should wait until they are much older, another part of me thinks that maybe it should just be included in their adoption story now. I will definetly tell them eventually, but am unsure of when. As far as I know they have never met their older sister, and they did not meet their brother for sure. Any ideas, or thoughts on when and how?

Answer 1

sometime when you are already talking about their adoption, it should feel appropriate to mention that the agency record says there is a sister in their biological family tree.  (It is also likely with time that the birth parents will have other children).   If they are curious and want to know more or talk about it, that is your opening to address their curiosity and tell them the best you know.  Keep it natural.  Better to include it as part of their adoption story from the start now that you know.

Answer 2

hard question.  about the child that died, i wouldn't mention it until they were older.  they may be surprised if they learn the info, but it won't really hurt them.

as for their other sibling, if you're able to get a picture of the child or any sort of contact then i'd tell them now.  even if you can't, if you say prayers at night you can always sit them down, tell them that you just found out that they have another sister somewhere, and would like to send a prayer out for them.  explain that she can't live with you because she has another family, but you hope they can meet someday.  that should keep things simple.

Answer 3

i was adopted at three. my parents told me as soon as i was old enough to understand. i was okay with it. they also told me i have a half brother who is about a year younger than me. then about a 2 years ago i found out i have a three year old half sister too. i think you should tell them now. but they might want to find out who their real parents are and things so be prepared.

Answer 4

I've gotta tell ya', I was adopted and that sort of thing is of absolutely no interest.

I would tell them THEIR adoption story and I tell them that one day their birth mother may be lucky enough to have a baby of her own and that maybe their birth father would too. That is really all they need to know but if they were very curious I would share with them.

Do not burden them with the expectation that they should try to make some kind of kinship with people somewhere who are genetically linked to them. If they're interested in that, they will let you know.  

Answer 5

If you had other siblings, would you have wanted to know sooner, or later?

I'd say tell them now.  Kids understand and know more than we often give them credit for.  Whether or not they have any interest will be their call, but at least you are giving them information which is rightfully theirs, and they will have time to process it.  As their mom, you can help them understand, answer their questions, be there for whatever they need.

But if you wait until they are older, they may feel betrayed or lied to, as anyone rightfully would feel.  Don't risk damaging your relationship by witholding the truth from them.

Answer 6

My son is 3 (will be 4 soon).  He knows he has a natural brother and lots of foster brothers and sisters in Guatemala and now one in the US.  

Although not related by blood, him and one little foster brother will get to reunite in December of this year.  They both shared the same foster family at the same time and even shared a crib.  

As far as his natural family, brother, and perhaps other siblings by now...  he knows that one day he can decide to find them and meet them, too.

Answer 7

My recommendation is to tell them immediately.  Having a sibling is part of your identity.  And children have an uncanny sense that they have siblings "out there."   I now it sounds weird but often reunions begin with "I knew it!"

Is it possible to open the adoption to enable your adopted children to have contact with their half-siblings, if they so choose?

Children would also probably vastly appreciate some form of information exchange, via letters and photos, if it can be arranged.  Sending drawing to each other, etc.  

Sure, they're not living together, and may not know of each other right now, but they are still family.  I didn't know I had a nephew until he was 33, but he's still an important part of my family now that i know about him and i'm not going to ever forgive my mother from holding this information from me for 33 years.

Answer 8

I personally think the younger the better...because by the time they get into that crazy teen stage they might be upset that they didnt know about this sooner...jsut think back when you were a teen ...you know...

Answer 9

I say tell them today. They have a right to know now.  

Answer 10

Simple answer - tell them now.  

There are problems that will go along with it.  They may grieve for their dead sibling.  They may want to meet the older siblings, which may or may not be able to happen.  Believe it or not, siblings have almost no inhearant rights!  It can be a struggle to explain to them that the courts say they can't know who their brothers or sisters are....  

On the other hand, it's simply wrong not to tell them.  One day they will find out, somehow, and if you kept it from them they'll feel like you lied to them.  You don't want that.  My brothers grew up knowing they had other biological siblings.  They had a sister they had met, but whose parents cut contact with us when they were still quite young children.  They had another little brother that we are still in contact with, even though all the boys are adults now.  However, they also had one brother who was born between them, and two brothers older than them both that we knew almost nothing about.  We know they also had alcohol syndrome and were adopted out by social services and nothing else.  It was hard for the boys to know this, but it would have been MUCH worse if they'd found out later.  One of my brothers sturggled with his adoption from the very beginning.  We had enough "rough spots" when he was upset about it.  I can only imagine the explosion he would have had to find out as a teenager he had brothers he'd never known about before.  I'm not sure we could have kept him from running away then.    

Answer 11

I think you should tell them now.  Just be as "matter of fact" as possible.  Sibling bond research says that children who aren't told they have siblings and find out later have a really hard time.  Sometimes they say that they never felt complete, like that an extention of them was out there some where.  Just my take on it.