At what age should you tell a child they're adopted?

Question

At what age should you tell a child they're adopted?

Answer 1

ok, anyone who said, wait until they ask... Im sorry bu that is very uniformed and not very intelegent.

The only way a kid is gonna hear about adoption is from their parents or kids at school. what if an older kid was to say to a child that they were adopted and their parents don't love them? ( and I am saying that the kid was just trying to be mean, as kids will do, not because they are informed that the other child is adopted) and the kids comes home crying and the mom as to explain that, es you are adopted... that would make it kind of hard, wouldn't it

I was adopted and my first memory was my mom telling me that I was adopted. do it as soon as possible, before they can understand what it means so they can grow up with the knowledge. I'm sure that even though it was my first memory, it wasn't the first time she told me

Answer 2

The first day you see them!!!

When parents start saying loving things, like "We are so lucky to be your parents", or "Adoption is the answer to our prayers" or "Adopting you is the best thing we ever did", it begins to give you the confidence to talk about adoption.

By the time your child begins to understand any of this talk about adoption, it will be as normal as saying they have beautiful brown eyes, or such curly hair. The feeling is the most important thing in the beginning. Then you baby begins to associate love and smiles with the word/talk of adoption. Then by the time they can understand even more, you begin to give them information about adoption in general (not theirs), a little at a time. Read an adoption book or two once in a while at bedtime with their other books. Begin to tell them how they grew in their birthmother's tummy and then you becasme their parents, before they can understand it! This gives you time to practice.

I knew I was on the right track, when my daughter, at about 18 months, threw her arms around my neck one day, and said "Mommy, I'm glad I adopted you!" Now did she really understand adoption at that point? No, but she certainly felt the meaning!

She also wrote a paper in first grade.....reminding me of how I explained adoption to her. She wrote about her birth and adoption in her little first grader words, including that she "loved me even before she was a seed in her birthmother's tummy"!

Regarding question about adoption, it is easier than you may think. Short and sweet. Not long and drawn out. When my daughter was about four, she asked where her birthmother was. I said I didn't know. She asked if she had enough to eat. I said that I sure did hope so. She asked why she didn't take care of her? I told her because she couldn't take care of any baby then in her life. That was it.

We put her birthmother's pictures in a little album, and she looked at these pictures from the time she was a baby. She always knew that was "her birthmother" but it naturally took a while for her to understand what that meant. And then one day, she asked if she could put her picture in our big photo album. Again, I knew we were doing o.k. She felt comfortable. A few years later, she began to show a couple of close friends the photo, and it just seemed as natural as saying "And that is my Aunt Anne."

My tips:

1. Talk about adoption from day one, with love in your heart and a loving smile on your face.

2. Don't tell others your child's personal detailed adoption information before they themselves understand it. (Details about their birthmother's circumstances, lifestyle, age, etc.) This info really belongs to them. They will decide who they talk to about their adoption.

3. Don't overwhelm them with adoption talk. It should be casual and intermittant. It should not drummed into them daily! It does not define them, it is just one part of who they are.

4. Frame your answers about why their birthparents didn't parent them to be about not being able to take care of any child (or another child), not them specifically.

5. Don't sit your child down, ever, and have a big "adoption talk" with them! The old way of "telling" children they were adopted hurt children deeply, because it was a shock, and made some children question their lives as authentic. It also overwhelmed children.

I hope this helps!! Goodl luck!

Answer 3

i have a beautiful daughter who is now 33 years old who we told from birth that she was adopted. i just dont believe in waiting

Answer 4

New legislation requires adoptive families to bring their children up knowing they are adopted.

Really-there should be no shame assosiated with adoption. It won't be difficult to grasp for a child. If adopted from birth, annually celebrate their birthday by telling them how proud you are they came to join your family as their child.

Its so easy to bring a child up knowing about their adoption. Reading stories about adoption. Showing them pictures of when they first came to you (great way to start off, because even though a pre-schooler will know they are adopted, the concept, just like Mom Gave Birth To You, is still not so clear.)

Show them a pciture of the first moment, explain that that was when "Mommy and Daddy first became your family".  Hold an annual "Gotcha Day" celebrating the day that child came to the family. Family is family, no secrets. Older childrenw ill know a child is adopted...why can they know and not the child themselves. Thats where the identity crisis comes from. Kids don't go through one when they already know their identity as an adopted child. (bar puberty...when ALL kids go through one)

Its not a difficult concept to grasp, and its the law now, anyway. Why is there still an assumption that kids can't handle it?

Answer 5

as early as possible, in a natual and age-appropriate way

Answer 6

As early as possible, make it as matter of fact as possible.  If you don't make it a big deal neither will the child.  Be open with your children and make sure that your entire family, even extended family is open with you child.

Answer 7

Whatever age they are when they act up or have the cops bring them home?

Sorry trying to be funny.

Seriously; I think 19 years old. Then they are through their rebelious stage and are more adult to handle it.

Answer 8

It seems to be the popular opinion that children should be told from birth that they were adopted.  They won't understand until they're five or six, but I guess that doesn't really matter.  It maybe makes it easier on everyone, especially the parents, to never have to have that terrible talk to tell them they're adopted.  

However, despite the fact that you tell them from birth, there is always that moment that they actually understand what adoption means and, believe me, it really sucks.  This is what happened to me.  I know adoptees that found out when they were older and it sucked for them, too.  

The bottom line is that it sucks for everyone who's adopted.  It sucks to know that your parents aren't really your parents, and that the people who are didn't keep you.  And no one can make that any better, so you have to know that this is how it feels.  

Yes, I had great parents and they loved me, and that matters a lot.  But it doesn't take away all the other stuff and the pain.  

People seem to think they can love the pain away, but it doesn't work like that.  You mourn for your whole life your biological parents.  If someone loses a loved one, you can love them all you want, but they will still be in pain over losing that loved one.  

So, I guess I'm saying don't fool yourselves into thinking that pain won't be there, just because you tell your child from infancy that they were "chosen".  I will tell you that my experience was that I felt guilty about being "chosen".  I didn't feel like I could live up to the expectations that put on me.  "They chose me, so that means they must want something from me", is how I felt.  My Mom told me she had wanted a little girl really badly, and that's why I was chosen.  All this did was make me think the only thing about me that was important was the fact that I was female, and what if I wasn't what she had wanted?

I caution all of you who have adopted children to be very careful about making your child feel "special" and "wanted". I know that this sounds like a contradiction, but you may be making them unhappy, because they feel there are expectations on them that they can't fulfil.

This is probably flying in the face of what many of you believe.  It easier to believe that you can tell them the "right" way and avoid any trauma to your child.  Every child will react in their unique way and some may handle it better than others.  Maybe some it doesn't bother at all, but that's not always the case and you need to be prepared for that.  

Also, understand that adopted children will often say and act like they are fine with the whole issue, so that they don't hurt the feeling of their parents, who they love.  This was also my experience.

The fact is, that there is a higher percentage of adopted people in therapy than in the population in general, and it is well known that adoptees have a much more rebellious adolescence.  I think that this speaks for itself.

Answer 9

i think they should know as soon as they can understand n that way they arent really in shock or mad or n e thing. also they shouldnt get special treatment, they should b treated equally.

Answer 10

always just ask a proff how

Answer 11

From day one.  Once the child is old enough to understand, they should already be aware they are adopted.  I was adopted as an infant and I can not remember a time when my parents told me I was adopted...I always knew.  

I was always told that my "Mommy couldn't have babies, but she and Daddy wanted children.  So, before you were even born, it was arranged that you would come home with us when your birth mom had you.  We were at a party and we got a special phone call on New Years Eve, telling us we were going to have a baby.  Everybody celebrated".  I was born New Years Day.  

I've always known I was not a mistake..my parents had to go through a lot to adopt.  I was wanted, loved, and I've never doubted it.  While I did seek out my biological mother as I got older, it was out of curiosity, not because I was lacking anything.

Answer 12

I was six.

Answer 13

There is no age.  Children grow up knowing their family members without you stopping one day and letting them know.  Always casually tell them. Not every day but at least every once in a while.  That way it is not a shock to them.  I adopted a child at 22 months and another at 4 months.  They are 11 and 7 now.  They have always been proud to tell people they are adopted since they were young.

Answer 14

Each year you can throw a birthday party for your child with all the usual party favors and guests, but on a different day, a great way to celebrate from the start ,with your adopted child, is to throw an adoption day party and celebrate becoming a family. It would be a family only party of course but the cake and ice cream would lend the 'correct' flare to it. It is a way to introduce the subject with little tension and stress for the adoptive parents and it becomes a fun family tradition. It can be done within weeks or months of the adoption and repeated annually like a birthday.

Answer 15

when ever the would understand!

Answer 16

You should really wait until it comes up, dont just blurt it out one day, when the subject comes up just be open and honest.

Answer 17

you should tell the child when they are old enough to understand and are emotionally able to handle it. If you tell them when they are to young it could create some issues or if you tell them and they aren't mentally or emotionally equiped to handle it. But when you do tell them dont just say it and be done with it and just bring it up from time to time and make sure they understand its not a bad thing and make sure they dont feel bad about it because sometimes kids that are adopted feel bad or think they did something wrong and thats what made their real parents get rid of them.

Answer 18

Experts now reccomend that you tell a child they are adopted from birth or from the time they come into your life.  Talking with your child about adoption shouldn't be a one time thing. Children often need to have information repeated to them more than once before they can grasp it.  This is caused by the way children's thinking abilities develop as they get older.  As children progress through different developmental stages, they will work through and deal with different issues involved with being adopted...by waiting to tell a child they are adopted until they are older you are denying them this oppurtunity to deal with these emotions and losses logically in a developmentally appropriate fashion.  Instead they are overwhelmed by the magnitude of what you are telling them; plus you have to contend with the huge sense of betrayal they will feel at not having been told the truth sooner.

Hiding something like adoptive status from a child, makes it a secret and secrets invoke shame.  Being adopted should not be a shameful thing, it should be something that a child knows he/she can speak about openly with his/her parents.

I've listed some websites in sources for additional information on talking to your children about adoption.

Answer 19

Hi there! I really think that a child does need to know as soon as they start asking. I think it is important to stress (in an age appropriate way) that for whatever reason their bio parents jsut couldn't be a parent. It is not that they weren't loved. In fact it was becasue they were loved so much. I think it is important for children to believe that inately they are good people and came from good parents. When they are adults they canknow any "real" truth there may be....

Answer 20

I plan to "break it gently" to my children that they're adopted-- No, my husband and I can't have children, so yes, we do plan to adopt.

I plan to mention my children's birth parents, on a regular basis. I would find a way to help them understand that their other mommy and daddy loved them very much, but that they couldn't be the kind of mommy and daddy they wanted this child to have, so they asked Daddy and I to be your mommy and daddy....

As my children get older, I will answer their questions about their birth-parents as honestly as I can. I'll do my best to not cast blame or point fingers- that would just be low.

Answer 21

From the first day. And repeatedly.

It's part of the child's life story.

It's not some shameful secret.

Answer 22

when they can recognize right from wrong

Answer 23

I would say when they ask.

Answer 24

Tell them when they are old enough to understand how much you love them and how much they love you. I would say between 8 and 10 years old. You have to tell them because it is better they hear it from you then someone else and have their heart broken. Also tell them that there is more to being a parent then actually biologically being the parent. In the end you are the mother and father because you care for them the most.

biha12

Answer 25

With the help of some great kids books, the easiest and least painful alternative for all involved is do it from day one. ("Horace" and "A Mother for Choco" are two of our favorites) If you start from day one with the simple story books, it will always be a natural and easy thing to discuss with your children. Start simple and add on details as your child ages and is ready for  them.

If you wait until they ask, you run into two problems. First of all, some kids are too uncomfortable to ask. Secondly, if they're asking, it may have already been bothering them for a while.

We have three adopted children and they are all such a gift to us!

Answer 26

We are starting the adoption process. Hubby and I both agree we want to tell our children early. There are numerous books to help explain this to little kids. We have friends that told when the kids were 12-14 and the kids were rebels during teen years always saying "your not my mom/dad" and we also have a friend with a 22 year old that they never told. I think it is best to handle while they are younger.

Answer 27

When the child is old enough to understand.  It varies for every child.

Answer 28

I feel that this should be openly discussed from the day the child is born.  I think it is almost impossible to knbow when a child is fully understanding a situation and so honesty from the begining is always best.

Answer 29

i can't remember when my parents told me, but i knew it all my life, since i was a little kid.  later i began to understand the meaning of it and what it was all about.  and as i got into intermediate/high school did i really start to think more about it and the reasons why, etc.  but...unfortunately nobody could really answer that for me.

Answer 30

When they can understand. I was adopted and am now 13. I was told that when i was 2, didn't understand it till i was 5. It troubled me because i don't know who my real mother or father are, kinda sad.