Attending a Wedding: Is this proper (see details)?

Question

Okay, My boyfriend's daughter is getting married in a few weeks. I am very happy for her. Well, her mother is remarried & so she has a step-father. Now, of course my boyfriend will be walking his daughter down the isle and then all the parents will be sitting in the front row as theyusually do. The thing is, my boyfriend has me involved in this wedding more than I should be. See, I don't know what happened behind closed doors, but all of a sudden, they have me sitting with the parents and wearing a dress to kind of match up with the other mothers. Now, I do not feel right about this, seeing as though her father and I are not married. I mean, I know how I would feel if I were her mother. I would not think it was right that her father's gf is being treated as though she is her mother or step-mother, when indeed she is not (well I am not).

I would rather be a guest like everyone else and sit with the friends of the family, rather than the family. Am I wrong to feel this way? I don't want people mad or talking about how I should not be sitting there w/ family when I am not family. Her father and I have been together for over 6 years, and I love his kids like they are my own, but that does not make me family. I want to be there but as a guest. (that is if my bf and I are still together - we are not speaking right now over something else).

I apologize if you do not understand this. I am tired, but cannot sleep, so you may have to read it a few times to understand it.

Answer 1

i dont think its terrible, but if you arent comforatble, you shouldnt have to be part of the family.  you know the family, so you know how family members will react to you being looked at as a stepmother.  if your not cool with, tell your bf that you'd be more comfortable sitting with the other guests.

Answer 2

I think that you can sit where the rest of the family is but definitely not on the brides mothers chair. It is just unethical to do so even if your boyfriend wants you to sit beside him.

Dont be pressured in doing something that you dont want to do.

Goodluck on that wedding.

Answer 3

no i got it the first time... i know how u feel, i dated a guy 15 years older than me and he had a 15 yr old daughter and when she had her quinsenera(sweet15) he wanted me to sit there and...well similar situation ur in... i just told him i felt out of place and this is a family event, and out of respect for her mother id rather just watch... he was bummed cus i was his "date" but he understood, then at the reception i resumed my role as his companion, but not at the church. .. just talk to him...dont keep it bottled up, he should understand. if not, then ask for a break and send her a gift... sorry hun, hope it works out

Answer 4

If you are that concerned about it, make it a point to ask the bride and the bride's mother how they both feel about it.  If they don't have a problem with it, then you should be fine with it, too.  If you are honest with them, nobody is going to think you are trying to step in and be the mom.  

Answer 5

I think it is great that your boyfriend and his daughter want you to be involved as they have you! Just because you are not legally married to him does not mean that they do not view you as a wife/mother. I don't think a piece of paper automatically gives you license to be in that role. I have tons of people in my life that are not "family" by blood but they are family to me through relationship. If I were you I would be flattered and honored. That being said...

If you really don't feel comfortable mention it to them. Tell them honestly how you feel and maybe they can shed some light on why they made that decision. Maybe their point of view will calm your nerves about it and put your mind at ease. If you view his kids as your own then why wouldn't you want to be there for them in that role?

Answer 6

The main problem is the utter lack of communication between parties.  You and your bf didn't discuss this issue, he hasn't spoken to his ex wife, she hasn't spoken to you, and what does the bride have to say?

You say that you are being treated like "family"; actually, you're not.  You are not even being treated like an adult.  If you were being treated like family, you would've been in on the decision making "behind closed doors" from the beginning, instead of being informed, "Here is what we have decided you will do", afterward.  Maybe because you and he have been together for six years, everyone is assuming things they shouldn't be assuming; if so, it's up to you to tactfully set them straight.

Two points:  First, you need to speak up and get some conversations going.  Don't just bite your nails and worry about what your bf's ex will think - talk to her about it.  Start talking to your bf again, and tell him that you are unhappy about the way decisions concerning your role in the wedding were made without your input.

Second, don't forget who is the star of the show here.  You have a right to your feelings, but this is not about you, it's the bride's day, and IMO, all that can be done to accommodate her should be done.  What does she want?  If you can get a minute with her, sit her down, explain your feelings honestly, and ask her what she wants you to do.  Whatever that is, do it.  After the wedding, you can get back to working out your other problems with your guy.

Answer 7

Hey, I understand. I think the daughter is being respectful of you, and considers you part of the family even though you aren't married to her father.

Why don't you talk to her about how you feel? Tell her exactly what you wrote here; I think she'll understand.

But consider how she feels too. Weddings are never for the bride and groom - they are for the family. Talk to her and let her decide what she wants, and go from there. I think it's great that she's involving you. She's being respectful of you and her father - but if you really feel you shouldn't sit with the family be aware that it could hurt her feelings. Do what's best for her. I think she'll respect you even more for that.

Answer 8

What does the  bride think of all this? It's a bit of a cliche  here in Weddings  but  it really is her day. You mentioned that  you love his  kids as if they were  your own, a lot of stepmothers long for that kind of relationship with their  partners  kids and it may be really important to her that you  play a significant role in her big day. If you are not  entirely comfortable with what your boyfriend wants  you to do then sit down with  the bride and negotiate with her. Then BOTH of you  can talk it over with your boyfriend. If you and the bride can present a united front and do this in a way that he wont feel threatened by  you could very easily turn this in to a win / win situation for all interested parties .

Answer 9

I would just be honest and tell them that you feel uncomfortable and why you feel uncomfortable. It might be as easy as that...you never know. Honestly is always the best policy

Answer 10

You are the date of the father, so technically its not wrong to sit next to him. So I understand their point of view, and I dont think people will talk. But that doesnt mean you have to wear a dress the caliber of a mother of the bride dress.

I really think you should talk to him about it. Maybe you can compromise. You sit next to him, but dont walk down the aisle and wear a regular dress.

Answer 11

You should just tell your boyfriend that you don't feel right sitting in the front row with the parents. You aren't married, so you don't have to sit up there. This day should be about his daughter, and you are right to not want to take away from that. Sitting up front when you two are not married will make it more about you than her because people will be talking about it.

Answer 12

You have been in the picture for a long while, I don't think anyone thinks of you as "just the girlfriend" But if you truly feel uncomfortable, talk with the Bride. Express to her that you don't want her mother to feel uncomfortable, this may have already been discussed. If the bride wants you involved, then do so. Its her day, and she obviously cares deeply for you. But if it seems like it is causing problems with the brides mother, make sure to make it clear that you will not mind one bit being "just another guest" Goodluck  

Answer 13

If it is your boyfriend's daughter who set up this arrangement, then I think that you should be honored that she sees you as part of the family and gave you such a prominent place in her wedding. If it is ur bf's idea, then I think that you should talk to her about this and tell her that you really don't feel comfortable being in the position that you are in because of what others might say.

Answer 14

you should ask the bride to see what she thinks. if she is all for it and you are comfortable, you should go for it. if not, just explain that you don't think it is your place and ask to sit with the other guests.

Answer 15

They might just be doing this because they want you to feel included. Have you bf tell her daughter that you do not want to impose on her mother's glory of being mother of the bride. Ask if it would be ok to sit with the guests. If the bride insists even after you explain that you don't NEED to sit up front, then comply but ask if you can have a smaller flower.

If you 2 have been together 6 years...I consider that a very serious relationship and I don't know if people will be that opposed to you sitting up front.

As for you and your bf...I'm sure you will still be together. My husband and I have been through stuff like that before and it usually ends when one of us grows up and opens a dialogue.  

Answer 16

I agree with you totally, And I certainly would not wear anything like the mothers at all,But how ever if it will make him feel better having you set next to him you could do that. Ask is daughter how she feels about all of this? Good Luck! It sounds like you boyfriend  is under a little stress, hope things turn out well for you.