Autism - is she using it as a excuse?

Question

me and a woman i know both have autistic sons, the same age, same class at full time mainstream school. however, i have spent two long hard years getting my son under some sort of 'control', teaching him respect, right from wrong etc yet she lets her son quite literally 'run wild' with her reason being 'hes autistic' whenever he does wrong, there is no routine or disclipine for him. also, her partner doesnt work 'as they have a autistic child to look after' (my partner does 40 hour weeks) while they do nothing and bring in over £1000 a month for nothing and dont even have to pay rent or council tax(no im not jealous of the money, my partner brings home more than that, its ours & everyone elses tax paying for her). is she using autism as a excuse as she cant be bothered to put in the hard work a child needs? and is her partner using it as a excuse not to get off his **** and get a job?

Answer 1

i don't think the dad not working because of the child being Ausistic is an excuse, my son is Autistic and my husband works hard and long hours, where as i am the carer and do not go to work but there is no reason for two parents to be at home. as for the difference in the children i feel if you understand the nature of Autism you will know that two children with the same diagnosis can be completely different, it depends where they are on the spectrum. maybe her child is more severe and her life is very stressed trying to manage him. i would hate someone to be judging me on the way i deal with my son and feel that it would be more possitive if you made friends with this lady and supported her in what is probably the one worst situations for a parent to be in. we have a wonderful support group where all us mums and dads get together and swap stories, tips and ideas that could be of help to each other. i have got used to negative things being said by people who haven't experienced life within the autistic family but i would be very saddened with it coming from someone who has.

Answer 2

sounds like it. obviously being worked with helps kids and she seems to feel helpless or lazy.

Answer 3

Some people will use any excuse they can find to get someone else to support them. Yes she is using it as an excuse. Other parents like you and a friend of mine work hard to acclimate thier autistic children others dont.

Answer 4

Wow this is a tough question ...yes she does seem like shes using her sons autism as an excuse and there is NO reason why the father cannot work ...my son Thomas is nine and has severe autism non verbal and he attends a special school also, i stay at home to get sleep as Thomas is awake most of the night his dad sleeps and goes to work 40+ hours a week to pay the bills, a child with autism needs routine needs to know whats right and wrong although this aspect has been tough for us because of Thomas speech but we do try ..doesn't seem as if she is will to try and help him cause this is what she will be doing ...anyway take care of yours and let her get on she will have a tough time as her son gets older x

Answer 5

i understand how you feel, my friends runs a group for adhd and autism, Ive met many of the kids and parents through this group, and it never ceases to amaze me, how the parents blame the child's behaviour on their condition...where as many parents have a tight reign over their kids and can control them to behave better, some parents will not bother to take the reigns, and blame the condition...this is unfair on the children first and foremost...i think the parents need more help and guidance to realise that they are not helping the children, by letting them just get on with it !...is it laziness do you think, or shunning responsibilities...cheers

Answer 6

HELLO  Bob P!!!   Autism is NOT  genetic... get your facts straight!! No one knows the causes YET!!

                   Yes it is easier to blame bad behavior on the autism than it is to constantly put in the work to fix these behaviors. It's a lot of work and there will always be people who take the easy way out ... the problem is when we don't put in the time with autistic children... they still become adults .. they are just less prepared to live in this world .

Answer 7

Structure is important for people with autism, the mother's attitude probably isn't helping, but do you actually know that family? What it's like inside it? I wouldn't be so quick to judge, they will have their own reasons for being as they are. There are different levels of severity with autism, and perhaps her sons behaviour's are simply more difficult to handle than those of your own. It would be a mistake to think that every person who has autism is exactly the same.

So, is she using the autism of her son as an excuse? Possibly, but possibly not; sincerely, is it any of our business? If you care that much, perhaps you should tell this woman to her face or get to know her rather than voicing opinions in an online forum.

Some guys on here are saying autism is genetic, some are saying it isn't. All we can really say for sure is that we don't know what causes autism, sometimes hereditary links can be proved, and sometimes they can't. "The bottom line is, no one really knows for sure what causes autism. Most experts will say that autism is probably caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Even those experts, though, do not have a definite answer. " (http://autism.about.com/od/whatisautism/...

Answer 8

Sounds to me like you've got it figured out to a tee. We have this with my partner's hex - my 15yo stepson has a minor level of autism, and left to her he'd still be eating with his fingers. I have shamed him into washing properly - I threaten to go in there and attack him with a brillo pad! His GCSE prospects are worrying because she never makes him do his homework or anything. Then again, her excuse for never having done a day's work in her life is that she's dyslexic. Dysfunctional more like.

Answer 9

While your observations may be correct I am suprised having an autistic child yourself you are not more knowledgable about autism and therefore aware of the wide spectrum there is. People may be affected to a lesser or higher degree. Without access to the other childs medical notes your assumptions, if voiced, can cause further discrimination and isolation to this family who, by your own implications, need additional support.

Answer 10

The sad thing is, many people with special needs children let that child's disability be an excuse for lazy parenting, or even worse, they "feel sorry" for the child and therefore they don't want to discipline them.  They aren't doing their child any favors.   Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can say or do to change this.  Just raise your child the best way you can, and ignore them.

Answer 11

With my daughter who got autism i make a list of everything shes doing in the day. But i think some of the stuff she dose is an excuse but somethings are not

i rember when my daughter was 2 and we went into the fruit shop when we came out i liffted up the blanket and she took a bite out of 5 fruits so i had to go in and pay but we just laughed about it

Answer 12

SHE DEFINITELY IS USING HER SONS MEDICAL PROBLEM, but seems to be working as a BENEFIT,for her sons obnoxious behavior.She is heading for a train wreck!  I hate how people live off the system, especially if they are capable of working:ITS JUST WRONG!  I am disabled so i can not work outside the home, we have never gotten any assistance(my hubby's too proud) whilst it gets tough with 3 boys we make it do=D

Answer 13

I think some parents can and do use a disorder their child has as an excuse for deliberate disobedience.  Some children who have severe mental disorders or are in a vegetative state cannot be taught as it's physically impossible, but many many children with disabilities can be.  It's just a matter of how hard you are willing to work to make it happen.  

You can discipline an autistic child, an ADHD child, a child with Downs and so on, but it takes a special kind of modified discipline and lots of consistency and structure.  If a child has at least the learning capacity of a toddler or older, then they can be taught right from wrong and how to be respectful.  I would suggest what has worked for your son the next time she uses autism as the excuse for his behavior.  Being a mom of an autistic child yourself, you certainly know it has it's challenges but it does not mean they cannot learn to behave.

My husband is ADHD and it took a special kind of learning for him to be disciplined and to learn how to behave appropriately.  He was one of the worst cases his doctor had ever seen, but he is now a well adjusted, attentive, caring man and father.  It can be done!

Answer 14

1. Autism IS genetic! Somewhere when the egg and sperm met, one of the 23 chromasons went wrong, just not number 7, if that happend it would be Cystic Fibrossis.

2. She is not preasurring her son. She is trying to make sure he is happy, thats all!

Answer 15

What you seem to be overlooking is that Autism is genetic!

Most people with genetic disorders tend to be born of parents with similar problems. While you seem to have just been unlucky, it is entirely possible that the other couple might also harbour problems.

I have a neighbour, who's children are all suffering from an extreme form of ADHD........... and no wonder!.......... So does Dad!

Whilst I salute your industriousness, I am perturbed at your attitude!

Answer 16

hi, i have a 3 yr old daughter who has autism and i have found that i had to have everything in routine and yes i did find it hard to sort one for her. but now she is more settled in it. also i had to gain control of her behaviour.

my husband also works 40 hrs a week and i am at home with 6 children but that is no excuse for him not to go and get a job, i mean the child is at school so while he works she can take him to and from school.

unless she just cant handle him and needs the partner to.

Answer 17

some people deal with things different thats all maybe she finds it harder to deal with

Answer 18

I can see where it may be frustrating to you if you do the comparisons between the two boys and how you and your partner work so hard and it doesn't seem like their family puts in as much effort and time into home treatment as yours does.  I think it is fantastic that your partner is able to work and that you have created a more controlled environment for your son that works for him and taught him to respect others and try to control some of his triggers.

However, as one of the previous posters mentioned, there are many different levels of autism and areas on the autistic spectrum.  No two children with autism behave in the exact same way and have different levels and needs of treatment.  As you know how difficult it can be at times, I am sure she is not doing "nothing" and may perhaps be overwhelmed at the times you have been around her and choosing her battles.  I am not making excuses for her, and perhaps she may be using his diagnosis as a way to excuse his behavior at times.

Regardless of this, maybe quite possibly you can connect with her and be of a support system since you understand.  I am sure you have used local resources or learned tips on the internet that have helped out your child.  It might be a good idea to offer some of these insights to her that can benefit her son and the rest of her family.  As hard as it is not to judge(especially when we are in similar situations), we must remember that we don't know the whole story unless we have walked a mile in another's shoes.  

Kudos to you for all the work you do with your child!  Take care and hope this helps a bit!!!

Answer 19

sometimes it's sickening to see people just take advantage from the Government, My husband pays about 1,000 pounds over work tax- and I do work as well, I have neighbours who got a son who  have disability- both his parents dont work, but they're okay- Am I jealous, No- Im glad that my husband and I are capable of working, and that we have a healthy and normal kids..

There are different kinds of autism, your son might not be as bad as your friends, just be thankful that you can see some improvement to your son- who will suffer in the end? them not you...

Answer 20

She is doing this child a grave disservice.

I use this phrase a lot when it comes to children with issues:  It's a reason, not an excuse.

I see children everyday who are in better shape than my brother was (he was/is brain damaged). My mother loved hims enough to re-direct and work with them - and it was exhausting and SO SO SO worthwhile.  Every action is excused and there's no re-direction or anything.  The parents throw a label at it.  A label isn't going to help him get through life.  A label might help him and others learn how to work with his limitations - that's all.  But it's a parent's job (and obviously you take your seriously) to WORK with it to the best of your ability.

Answer 21

Autism affects different kids in different ways, so you cannot always expect kids to behave the same. But you can try your best and put in a set routine for a child with autism, which is VERY important for their behaviour. She would be better off sending her partner to work, which will give some form of structure to the day and getting help. Surely an educational psychologist or social worker can hel p support her and put her on track to improving the boys behaviour. It does sound that she needs help but her partner is not really giving it to her.

Answer 22

She needs to get of her a** and help her child. You're doing a great job.

My brother is severly autistic and adhd and the rest are adhd, and she like you does everything to give us the best life possiable.

Two years ago she even got in a huge fight with lea to get my brother the education he needed and helped me concentrate on all my revision ect.

My mum doesn't work as she needs to be on call for my brothers school whilst he's there.

Yes autistic children get a little out of control sometimes they can't help it but most of the time they can be helped to stay in control by the parents actions, staying calm themselves , telling them when to calm down ect maybe you could explain how you've helped your son and maybe it will rub off?

Good luck with everything!

x

Answer 23

Sounds like it though surely doctors have done the relevant tests for autism?

Though her child may have autism i think that should give her more reason to put in extra effort with her child not an excuse to do nothing about bad behaviour.

Answer 24

oh yea!

Answer 25

I dont know how bad off her child is and all but i have an son that is autistic and I have spent the last 8 years trying to get people to not treat him any different then my other kids. my husband and I treat him the same as any other child, he does have things he can not do and we know that and dont expect him to but compared to most autistic children I have had to be around in his school and things I think my child is very well behaved, he does not get away with yelling or throwing or any other thing that most of them get to do because "they cant help it" my son knows right from wrong and knows what will happen if he does something wrong just like our other kids. I guess what I am trying to say is your child will do what you let them do autistic or not and me presonally I dont let my son use his problems as an excuse to do wrong. my husband also works 40 hours a week and I was to till I became pregnant and had to quit ( I painted cars for a living and decided to stop because of the harm it can cause to the baby) anyway if the child is in school like you say then there is no reason one or both of them can not work. I do believe they are over doing it a bit.