Awkward situation. How do I tell my wife that I think my step-daughter needs a bra or something similar?

Question

She is only 9 and in the 3rd grade but has been gradually developing for about the past year. She is not at the point of needing something to provide support but her chest is very apparently showing through some of her shirts and I think she needs garments that will cover this. A few months ago my wife did buy her her a few Limited Too under shirts that were supposedly intended for this purpose but never explained to her what purpose they served, so they have been used as pajama shirts. I think she is in just a little denial and not yet ready for her only child to grow up. I don't want my step-daughter feeling awkward nor do I want her chest to be on display to the world.

How do I approach this topic with my wife? Would it be inappropriate to have a little talk with my step-daughter about covering herself? I don't want to make her self-conscious.

Answer 1

Definitely get your wife to talk to her. Your probably right that she doesn't want to accept it yet, because your step-daughter is only nine, but some girls develop early. Does your wife have a good relationship with your mother? You could ask her to mention it. It just might be better received from a woman. Really, 9 isn't too early for a training bra. I had friends who wore them that young.

Answer 2

Talk directly to you wife about your concern.

Answer 3

I would talk to your wife, but NOT your stepdaughter. This is a topic that is mom's responsibility to discuss.

As for your wife, you really need to be blunt with her. She needs to make sure your daughter has proper undergarments. If she's visible through shirts then eventually other kids will start making fun of her. She doesn't need boob jokes at 9 years old.

Just tell your wife that her daughter needs a bra or something. That's it.

Answer 4

I agree with the others..talk with your wife about it. I have two girls and it is sort of a denial thing I think. THey are developing SO much younger than we did, and the thought of budding boobies is a tough thought when it's your baby still!

But the reality is, many girls in this age range should be wearing a bra. They have little almost like a sports bra kind of thing at Walmart, which is what my girls wear. They are cheap and don't really look like a full blown bra. All cotton too and comfy.

Bottom line, is mommy needs to chat w/ her about this. It's in the best intrest of her child that she keep on top of the situation. I know it's a roller coaster..good luck!

Answer 5

Discuss this topic with your wife only, not your step-daughter.  It would be inappropriate to discuss this with the child, for several reasons:  including her age and the fact you are not your biological father.  Tell your wife what you told us here.

You weren't very specific about the child's situation.  If it's just her nipples showing thru her clothes, she can wear fashion forms such as breast petals or gel petals, which they sell at Macy's and other stores.  Women place these over their nipples like BandAids, to keep their nipples from showing thru their clothes.  I use both kinds myself, and they work great.

Back when I was a girl, girls didn't tend to develop b*****s until ages 12 or 13, (6th or 7th grade).  Now-a-days, in large part due to a high fat diet and growth hormones in dairy and beef products, many develop earlier.  I would suggest you and your wife examine what your stepdaughter is eating, and if it's too much fat and hormone laden animal products, that you work on correcting this.

If her b*****s themselves are starting to show, then she needs a bra or training bra, regardless of whether she needs support.

Answer 6

I agree with everyone do not bring it up to your step daughter. I would however bring it up to the mom. My daughter is the same age and started wearing sports bras at the start of 3rd grade because she is developing early. I got them at Wal-Mart, they are all cotton and have no cups to them but it is enough to cover them. I agree if she is developing she needs to wear one. My daughter wears one if she leaves the house or if we have company, I have told her at home it is OK not to wear one as long as her shirt is not tight fitting. She is actually use to it now.

Answer 7

You shouldn't feel awkward. Its normal. but you should just tell your wife that your daughter needs to start wearing a bra soon...And Tell your daughter that she is going to have to start wearing those undershirt things or a bra because she is growing up. I hope i helped you

Answer 8

Talk to the wife. If you speak to the stepdaughter, you will only succeed in embarrassing her. She won't look at you for months afterward, and the memory will embarrass her for years. I started developing early as well. My mom took me bra shopping, and I still remember hiding under the table at sears when she held up a bra and called across the department "Honey this one is pretty let's see if it fits". I know this is not really traumatic, just idle conversation, but at that age, anything can set you off. Mention it to your wife, because if you notice it, everyone else does as well (Men tend to be oblivious to these sorts of things). Just walk up and say it, no need to be embarrassed, it is just a fact of life. If you can't deal with this, what are you gonna do if the stepdaughter gets her first monthly and you are the only one home? Be practical, and it will go easier. You are not wrong about the age thing. My daughter got her first bra at 7. Not because she wanted to feel grown up like her classmates did, but because she started developing that early, and I don't want her to be the target of improper attention by perverts.

Answer 9

You sound like a devoted step-father and as such, you should just "talk" to your wife as you probably would if the little girl were your own biological daughter.  If after speaking with your wife, if nothing is done then speak with your daughter yourself.  After all, her mother DID marry you which DID grant you a certain amount of responsibility regarding her daughter.

mb

Answer 10

talking to the girl yourself is not an option i would just have a word with the mum its her responsibility daughters can talk better with another female about these type of subjects. good luck

Answer 11

Take her shopping to limited too. It's not weird for Dads to take their little girls in there, it's sweet. Buy her a camisol shirt to go under a button up. Make sure it's cute! Explain to her that that camisole goes under the button up shirt and they look really good together. Buy her a couple like this. Then buy some cute capris or whatever. If she likes them she'll wear them and the problem's solved. If not, just give it time. Nobody expects nine year olds to wear bra's.

Answer 12

You and your wife should be able to talk about anything together so talk to her first.  It's usually easier for a mom to explain things to a girl and take her out shopping.  Obviously, this time she'll need to explain to her why she needs to wear the training bra or undershirt, and at this age your daughter should understand.  Suggest they make a "girl's day" of it.  They can go for lunch or to a movie, go shopping and maybe get a manicure or something.  That way it'll feel like a special "coming of age"" day for your daughter rather than making her feel awkward because someone tells her she needs to wear a bra.

Answer 13

I would say that you saw some creepy perv looking at her, and maybe she should consider taking her shopping to help curb the creepy perv.  That way, she isn't going to think you were "looking" at her daughter like that, and that will let her know that you are looking out for her best interest.  Also, that may prompt your wife to talk to her about why she should be wearin gthem.  Just a suggestion.  I realize I shouldn't be telling you to lie to your wife, but that should snap her in to high gear, and it should be resolved fairly quickly.

FYI - when I said that you should tell her about the creepy perv - I was talking about telling the WIFE, NOT the DAUGHTER, just in case people thought I was trying to get him to traumatize his daughter!!!

Answer 14

There are types of bras designed just for that purpose, younger children needing bras. I think you need to talk to your wife, but don't say anything to your step daughter because thats for a mom to usually discuss. Besides, she would be self- concious then. You need to tell your wife that your stepdaughter needs bras. Simple.

Answer 15

I agree with Rachelle. This needs to be discussed with her mom instead of discussing it with ur step-daughter...that'd only make the situation more awkward.

I'm sure ur wife will be thankful!

Answer 16

I'd suggest leaving it to your wife to talk to her. Talk about it with your wife and then suggest that maybe the two of them go on a shopping trip where they get a few other things other than just the training bras or whatever there is for her to use. That way maybe the little girl won't feel so suddenly put on the spot, your wife has some buffer room to distract her from being there just for bras. Your wife can tell her that she's becoming a big girl now, and that it's an exciting thing.

Maybe let her get something else that is more big-girl  or whatever she thinks is 'big girl' that she's been wanting to do for a while but hasn't been allowed just yet? Maybe bumping her bedtime by half an hour, upping her allowance a bit more or something just so that she realizes that it's not just a bad thing that she's growing up. Your wife can tell her some good news and maybe that will take away some of the embarrassment of having to go support-garment shopping.

Either way, it's better that her mother deal with it other than having some nasty kid mention it to her at school where she comes home in tears. Even if your wife isn't open to it now, it's nice that you have been considerate of both their feelings. Some dads would just blurt it out and then deal with the fallout!  

Good luck :)

Answer 17

Don't say anything to your daughter, she'll cry and hide from you. Calmly approach your wife and say something along the lines of, "Honey, listen. I know (let's call her sara) sara is only 9 years old, but I think it would be a good idea to start her on wearing training bras." That, or take her to wal mart and show her all the cute training bras in the girl's section. Don't say anything outright, just ask, "Do you want to get any new underwear? Socks? Undershirts? Bras?" make it like a list of the things around you (it is usually all in one aisle at the store), and let her choose what she wants. If she has a fav cartoon character, they usually have those on the training bras. You can point it out to her and say "Isn't that the little mermaid? Do you want this one?"

Answer 18

Just talk to your wife and let her know how your feel.  You just want to watch out for her as much as you would your own child.  Undershirts is all she needs.  Maybe a little sports bra that look like a bathing suit.  Don't talk to your step daughter you might make her feel uncomfortable. Let her know maybe they should have a girls day shopping and let her know that should be one thing that should shop for.  She is to young for a bra.