B-moms who have open relationships with your children and their a-parents?

Question

What kind of thing do you like to do with you child and their A-parents.

What do you like to talk about?

What can they do to make things more comfortable?

What things make it uncomfortable?

Best and worst questions they could ask?

Do you leave the visit feeling better?

Answer 1

These are very good questions, I can't answer them, I do read some blogs of nmoms in open adoption, and it is very complicated for them.  I think if you read the blogs it might be more insightful for you than anything on Y!A

Paragraphein is brilliant, just google the word and you can find her, she has a lot of links.

Kudos to you for being sensitive enough to consider these difficult questions.  It speaks well of you.

Answer 2

I am a b-mom in an open adoption.  Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I don't get much contact with the family.  I send a Christmas card every year with a picture of my family, and for his birthday, I send a silver cross and card.  Once a year, his mother will send me a pic of him, and sometimes a few words of how he is doing.   This is just fine with me.  Pictures are truly worth a 1000 words!  

Open adoptions are tricky.  From the b-mom's point of view, we don't want to overstep our bounds.  We want to do our best to let you know that we won't change our minds, and that we are comfortable with the situation.  Make sure that you both set some ground rules.  My bson's mother asked me once what I would do, when he is 16, mad because Mom and Dad won't let him go to a party.  What if he ran away and showed up on my door step.  (A very possible situation, especially when both parties live close)  Of course, I would call the mother and have him picked up.  I'm not his mother, she is, and he has to understand he can not come running to me when there is a problem.  It's things like that.  Both of you make a list of the things that you want to share, and the things that you think are too much information.  You may find that you each have similar thoughts.  

Good luck!  Remember to keep the lines of communication open!  Especially right now, before the baby gets here.  This way you will both know what to expect!  If you are comfortable, she will be too!

Answer 3

I'm a birth mom and have a very open relationship with my daughter's adoptive parents (my daughter was adopted at birth, she's 10 now).

We mostly talk about the children (they had 3 biological after my daughter's adoption).

What do the children like, what's school like, friends, what type of presents do they want, etc? (They allow me to send them presents).

Things that are comfortable for me are discussing my daughter... again, her school, friends, health, etc.

Things that make me uncomfortable... I try not to contact them too much, I try not to ask too many personal questions, if the parents tell me something and I disagree, I try very hard not to say anything... all these things make me uncomfortable because I don't want to seem like I butt in too much.

The adoptive parents do send me photos and we email each other often. My husband (not my daughter's father) can go by and drop off presents for her. I do not ask to go because I know I will feel uncomfortable as will they.

They have invited me to see my daughter and I've seen her several times, at their home, since the adoption, and I felt a lot better after seeing her.

They also send me her school drawings and school work and of course tons of photos.

Worst things they asked me was info about my religion. That made me uncomfortable. I don't know why, but it did.

Best question they ever asked me was if I wanted to visit my daughter. My answer was of course... YES!

I think that I got very lucky when I chose the adoptive parents for my daughter. They really are wonderful people. It was important to me to find someone who was willing to send me updates about my child. Legally they don't have to... but they do anyway.

Answer 4

What kind of thing do you like to do with you child and their A-parents?

Go to the playground, a museum, the zoo... birthday parties... swimming... picnics... hang around the house and read books... anything, really. Oh, taking pictures together, definitely! If you haven't done this yet, consider taking your child and her bio mom to get their portraits done (together) professionally somewhere.

What do you like to talk about?

Anything and everything. Politics is often a good one for us, as we're of the same political persuasian. Adoption reform, as we're both interested in that. Work. Our families. Our lives. Parenting tricks and techniques. Cute things the kids do.

What can they do to make things more comfortable?

Tell me EVERYTHING. Some things I wish they'd bring up that worry me, that I am too chicken (so far) to mention: what happens if they die? Who will my daughter go to? Is it written in their will that the guardian MUST maintain an open adoption with me? Also: what do you plan to teach my daughter about adoption as a solution to unplanned pregnancy? Are you going to teach her it's just as good a choice as parenting, or will you talk about the rather serious downsides of relinquishment?

What things make it uncomfortable?

When they make different parenting decisions than I would. Example: my daughter is in a Christian school--NOT something I would choose for her--so attending her school play last spring was tough for me.

When they introduce me as my daughter's "birth mom." It's the term we agreed on back when, but my feelings about terminology have changed drastically, and I now hate being referred to as a birth mom. Fortunately this is something we've been able to discuss a bit and her mom now introduces me as her "other mom."

Best and worst questions they could ask?

Best: Please tell us what you really feel about all of this. Whatever you feel is okay; we won't be threatened and we won't close the adoption; we just truly want to know how you feel (and it's fine if that changes--tell us about the changes, too).

Worst: (Can't think of a "worst" thing to ask. As long as the question is sincere, coming from a place of respect, I'm fine with anything.)

Do you leave the visit feeling better?

About 1/2 the times, yes. The other 1/2 the times, no. It just really varies for me, and I can't even pinpoint anything specific that makes one visit healing and one visit difficult. There's usually a mixture of both in all the visits, but as far as overall feel... it just really, really varies.

Answer 5

Im a birth mom & we have an open adoption. It does make things easier, but every time I see him it kills me inside when I leave. We mostly get together at the zoo or something like that. Usually the kids just play around & the adults talk. We're pretty much comfortable around each other because we keep in contact all year long. We send pics, emails, letters, anything really. I'd just find something thats not too private & you're all comfortable with. Good Luck!!!