Baby mama drama...help!?

Question

So I have been dating this man for 2 years and we are engaged. I have no children but he has 2 daughters from two daughters from two other women. The 1st child is 11 years old and he does not have a relationship with her but pays child support. The 2nd child is 4 years old and we currently have physical custody of her because her mother has got caught up with drugs. She calls me mommy but knows she has 2 mommys. The reason he does not know his 1st daughter is because this is the way the mother wanted it, my fiancé and her broke up before their child was 1 yrs old and moved to another state. Since then the mother has moved on and married with another child and her and her current husband has been “dad” to her. Her mother and her got into an argument recently and the mother blurted out to her that he (current husband) is not her “real dad”. So we were in court on Friday for his 2nd child and won custody of her on that sameday my fiancé received a letter from his 1st childs mother stating she finally told her daughter the truth about her dad and now she wants to meet him and had all sorts of questions and is excited that she has a sister. My fiancé is thrilled that he is now welcome in his daughters life. He told me that if it comes down to it he will drop everything and ride his motorcycle to visit her. My problem with that is if I am suppose to be his future wife that is raising his other daughter and he doesn’t want to make it a family trip? I haven’t said anything to him about the way I feel yet because I don’t want him to think I am getting in between things. But am I being selfish for wanting to go and letting the 2 daughters meet? I know he will be staying the night, since it is 2 states away. I don’t know what the baby’s mama’s intentions is and if she is still with her husband. They have not scheduled a meeting yet, but am I wrong or selfish for feeling this way? I feel like I have invested so much time and love with the child that lives with us and giving her a “normal life. I feel like now this is just too much for me to handle, with the other baby mama situation and all. We have been engaged for a year and this is suppose to be a happy time for us, planning our wedding but everything has been on hold since the custody battle. I feel like running away from it all…..Please help…send me some advice….ASAP before I make an irrational dicision. Thanks!!

Answer 1

As hard as this is for you, think of how exciting it is for him! I mean knowing you have two children out there would be a hard thing for me to handle and I would be thrilled if one of them came to live with me and be mine, and I wouldn't be able to describe how I would feel if the other one decided they wanted to be in my life too! I do however understand your situation. I think you should tell him exactly what you posted. That you and his daughter are also a part of him and his future, and that his other daughter would probably love to meet the both of you as well. Also tell him that you want to be there, to experience that great moment with him. Tell him how your feeling, and how you feel selfish for feeling that way. I think that if he is a good man then he would more then understand, and that he just simply overlooked your part in this fiasco due to his own excitement.

Answer 2

I think it is important for him to do this by himself the first time.  Here is his child, that he hasn't seen in so long.  Let it be a personal, private moment for the both of them.  Then, the second time you and the other daughter should go along.  If he says something then, then you might have a right to be mad.  I think he's absolutely right to want it to be just the two of them, and not confused by meeting all this other family.  There is plenty of time for that in the future.

Answer 3

I don't see why this is any of your business. You're not his wife and you're  not the child's mother.  You're just some man's girlfriend-- and if you're shacking up with him, you're a poor role model.  I don't know how "we currently have physical custody" works out with an unmarried couple.

Personally, I'd find a decent man without all this drama.  

Answer 4

Firstly congratulations for taking on the four year old and treating her as your own. That is no small thing to do.

Now as to the second matter, the 11 year old. Perhaps he wants his older daughter to get used to him before introducing you and his other daughter. After all its got to be overwhelming for her to meet him, the Dad she didn't know she had, without having to meet even more people. Remember, he has 11 years to catch up on here. Think of her needs at this time, I know you can. It the contact with his daughter that he's looking forward too, not the meeting with the ex. Let him have this first meeting on his own. Certainly you and his other daughter should meet with her too, and soon, but perhaps not this time.  

Answer 5

your  being selfish the first meeting should be him and his daughter, so they can get to know each other. if she were to meet you at first could upset both parties. you seem to love him and your daughter. his first daughter is going to be a teen real soon. she will have questions that need to be answered by him only. let them meet, before he goes express support, love, hope for the best. she will only want to have her dad for a little while. sorry dear, she deserves this time with her dad. maybe you could suggest to him that he buy her heart-shaped locket, have him put a picture in there of him, you, her new baby sister. so that way when she gets lonely she can look at it, see the knew people in her life. you can build a relationship with her a little later.

Answer 6

Until you are his wife, butt out of the first child issue. Let him get to know her first.

It is commendable of you to help raise his younger child, but each of these children are two very separate issues.

You will have plenty of time to deal with his baby momma issues in the future. But for now, it is out of your hands. Relax.

Answer 7

You are is love, soon to be wife and friend. So take the friend stance on this one.  It is important for this man to have a relationship with his daughter.  They need time to bond as father and daughter.  It took him 10 years to get this so don't rush things.  I don't necessarily think that it is selfish of you, but I do think you need  to take a back seat on this one and let them start to build on a relationship together. It may take a few visits, just do rush it.  It will all come together in time.

Answer 8

Honey--you have got to TRUST your man!!!  You are only cheating yourself by doubting him--and he doesn't need that right now.

Yes he's willing to hop on his bike and drive there because he is SOOOOO excited about seeing his daughter.  This is a huge day for him so let the two of them make a bond.

Don't worry about pushing this as a family thing right now.  He need to establish a basic relationship with her first, and then the rest of the family will fall in place.

Please, please do not doubt your place in all this.  You need to just let them work on it and then you and the other daughter will involved.

Just be patient.  He will appreciate your understanding!!!

Answer 9

i think you should tag along with the 4 year old and make it a family vacation with his other daughter but not his ex-wife.

Answer 10

Tell him how you feel, however it's his choice. It is his daughter - but just let him know how you feel about it.

Answer 11

being that he has no relationship with her I dont think it would be a problem for him 1st to try and develop a relationship with her and everyone else can be introduced slowly ... too much at once isnt good either  

Answer 12

No, I don't think your being selfish at all. After all ya'll are a family...right? Well for the most part you should tell him how you feel, because frankly my dear he is being selfish in this situation!

Answer 13

This happened to me.... When I seen my real father after like 7 years, I thought we were going to spend time together, but his wife came along, and we really didn't get that special "time". I didn't like that visit, so after that I seen that my step mom would always come around, I gave up. I didn't want to see him. I am now 20 and haven't seen him in like about 6 months. I guess it would be better to see him alone.... At least the first time.  

Answer 14

well i don't think that you are being selfish at all. he should want to make it a family affair but i can see his side of the story too because maybe he doesn't want to put too much on his other daughter at one time maybe he wants to take it slow meet her then establish some sorta relationship then introduce you and his other daughter slowly so she doesn't get scared and run away from it all. make a suggestion to him that you all go and stay for a weekend and let him meet her for the first time alone then the next day introduce you and his other daughter so as on the third day you all could do something as a family together.  

Answer 15

Wow! Congrats on all that you've been through, you obviously love your fiance a lot =).

I do not think that you are being irrational at all!

You are going to be this child's step-mom very soon and if he is going to have a relationship with her, so do you. He may have a reasoning behind why he just wants to go or might be so excited he couldn't think straight. That is great news, most men want to be a part in their child's life.

Sit him down and tell him everything!

He knows you love him and would do anything for him because you obviously wouldn't be engaged right now if not.

Tell him you love him and want to be a great step-mom for both of his kids and that you would hope he would include you in everything.

Tell him your frustrated that he doesn't notice how much you do for him and his daughter.