Baby soon- stop family feud?

Question

Okay very long story short. My ex (together 3 years) and I have a beautiful baby boy on the way (a week!). He left me soon after discovering I was pregnant (fight, not because I was pregnant) and did not support me during the pregnancy in any way- in fact he was quite a jerk.

Now he wants to come back for the baby's delivery. I have made it clear if he comes back it will be about the baby and not us because there is obviously a lot of hurt and I don't need the stress/distraction right now.

Problem- My mother is going crazy mad. She feels (and I can see her point) that he is a deadbeat and should not be welcommed back for "dessert" or the finished product and should not be in the delivery room or around the baby or me. She also feels she has been there to support me and that by allowing him to come I am "slapping her in the face." I agree but feel he is the child's father and someday I would regret not allowing him to partake in the experience.

Question- How do I get my mom to understand she needs to not like but support and be cordial (not friends) with my ex for my sake and the babys. I do not want to have to choose sides or deal with their chaos. Do I warn him or her feelings?

Note- she is not an easy person to convince. I would also appreciate you keep your foul comments to yourselves about him being a POS, her needing to mind her own etc...

Answer 1

You need to tell your mother that the birth of this child is a unique experience and that even though she was there for you when you needed her, she will not be less needed when you deidide to have your ex there too. She may be very right about him, but none the less ths is your choice and not hers. If she experiences this as being a slap in her face then she should try understand that it is not her fight but yours. She is a loving mother from what i gather, but she can never protect you from any hurt you may have in a relationship, because that is all up to you and your decisions. Good luck, and i hope you will have a very healthy happy baby.  

Answer 2

a lot of guys panic at the thought of being a father settling down, etc. He is a big jerk for not being there for you, and supporting you not just financially but emotionally.  I would sit down and speak with him about how you feel and why your mother feels the way she does.Ultimately it is what you decide. It is your child.And both of these people need to respect your decision. Tell him he is more than welcome to see your baby, but as far as a relationship with you goes, you have been hurt deeply by his inability to communicate his feelings to you, and you aren't depending on him for anything.  I understand your mother's feelings.  She has been there every step of the way.  How do you expect her to react?  This person has hurt her baby.  

She is doing what mother's do and that is trying to protect you from being hurt again and over and over.  Make it known that he can't just waltz back into your life whenever he wants.  And tell your  mother that you are going to allow him to prove that he wants to be a father, that you are not taking him back, but will allow a relationship with the baby if he can show you that is what he wants.  Tell her you love and appreciate everything she has been doing for you.  I think you will find that he isn't going to stay involved very long, and then you will do what you have to do to protect your baby from being hurt emotionally and that is kick him to the curb.  My best friends daughter just had this same situation occur, and her mother feels the same as yours. She wanted her baby's father to be involved so much that she put everyone's feelings on the back burner.  In five months he has bought one bag of diapers and seen his son a total of 5 times(he hasn't visited him in over 2 months). I would definitely tell him how my mother feels about the situation.  I am sure you have some of those same feelings and doubts.  If he can't see why your mother has a problem with him for not being there for you, then you probably aren't going to have very  much in common anymore.  Good luck.

Answer 3

As a single mother, you will be leaning very heavily on your mother.  She will be the one helping you with the every 3 hour feeding schedule.

She will be the one skipping sleep just so you can get some.

And she's right, he'll probably fade in and out of your life soon enough.

You need to treat her as your best friend.

Tell him he can visit you and the baby in the hospital - but that during the delivery you only want to be surronded by peace, which means your mother will be in the room with you.

It's only recently that men came into the delivery room - it's not unusual for them to be in the waiting room until the delivery part is done.

There will be plenty of time for him to bond with the new baby after delivery so he has nothing to complain about.