Back to School! Do you send a letter to your child's?

Question

teacher regarding his adoption?

Adoptive Families has a few templates and they're well written but I've never felt I had to send one. The letter serves to educate the teacher about adoption and provide some positive adoption language.

Have you ever done this? Do you plan to do it this year?

Answer 1

My child is 3.  The only time I've discussed adoption with his daycare teacher was on fathers day because I am single.  I asked if they would direct his father's day art work towards my Dad, his grandpa, Papa.  And they did.

When my son is older, he may want to make cards for his natural father or if I get married later on, to his new Dad, but until then, that's what we're doing.

Answer 2

i would have been mortified by this.  thank god my parents NEVER thought of such a thing.  gaaaaaaaah.

Answer 3

NO!  I won't label my children.  Their adoption happened to them.  It is their business if they want to tell people or not.

If problems arise in school, the last thing i want is for the adults to use her adoption as a crutch for all that is wrong.

There has been a situation in the past where my daughter did ask me to come explain her adoption to her classmates.  Which we all did as a family, to help the children understand each person's role in her adoption.  ie, real mom, First mom, First Family, adoptive mom is not a step mom, etc.  Only because I was asked by my daughter did i say anything, i will not go around announcing she's the adopted one.

Honestly in the adoption community i am i part of, it is suggested NOT to tell the schools about your child's adoption.  All to often children are labeled and discriminated against for being the "adopted" one.  Instead of looking at conflicts as normal for their age and trying to resolve the issues between the two children, "well you know she IS adopted."  "Oooohhh, that explains it."

Answer 4

How and why would a teacher even need to know?  If it's obvious, then I'm sure the teacher will figure it out eventually.  Being adopted is not a condition that the teacher would have to made aware of.

Answer 5

The only thing I ever wanted was to be normal.  I CRINGED throughout the entire 7th Grade because the topics taught in science...genetics, recessive/dominant genes...everything that made it apparent that I was adopted was the topic of discussion.  

How ghastly to think that my amom might have sent a note to my teachers and made it just that much more apparent that I was adopted.  Societal disapproval and bureaucratic secrecy put those thoughts in my head...not my aparents.  

AP's in "conspicuous families" might "manage" their feelings about adoption...as full grown adults who chose their situation.  I would like to point out that adoptees are forced to publicly deal with their adoptions issues as children, often without the timely support of their caregivers, and to their great shame.  

Why ask for advice here?  Have you even asked your achild what he/she would like for you do?

Answer 6

WOW - you are on a mission from the adoption agencies!!!!

That's straight out of the NCFA handbook.

How about honest adoption language instead.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Language_of...

Honest adoption language reflects the realities of adoption - honoring the importance of an adoptees life before they came to their adoptive family.

Positive adoption language completely negates those links. (you know - all about the adults and not about the adoptee)

Answer 7

Oh my gosh!  Please don't.  

I used to DIE everytime I started a new school and I had the "I am a foster kid staying with x*x" letter. "  Or when the office staff called me to the office saying "Ms. Brines, would you send LT to the office, her caseworker is here"  

Lord!  Kids have enough issues to deal with, why special them out.

Especially if you have adopted the child.  The child is "yours" now!  Part of your family.   Why do you need a letter explaining that?  It is your family and most likely the teacher will put 2 and 2 together and recognize the child is adopted.  

As for the kids in the class.  Help your child come up with some responses to the most common question that he is comfortable with -

For example:

School kids ask:  Why don't you look like your Mommy?

Your child: "Because I am very special and I do have the same hair/eyes/whatever as my Mommy."

School kids ask: Why are you black and your Mommy white?

Your child:  Because I have alot more pigment than my Mommy.

School kids ask: Why are you new?

Your child:  Because I finally found my family and they love me.

See?

Kids are smart and resourceful.  Help them and believe it or not, they might also come up with their own responses.  

And if they come home feeling bad, be there with support and love to comfort him.

Answer 8

Great Question!  I am a teacher, and can honestly say I prefer not to have this information right away!  I hate to paint this image, but it's likely that teachers will assume that you are a 'helicopter' parent if right off the bat if you bombard with info.  This goes for any topic:  Special needs, likes/dislikes, favorite foods...you know, sort of excessive!  I would however love to discuss the issue of adoption with a parent at a conference, or if problems arise that are otherwise un-explained!  Usually with my students (8th graders), they are pretty forthcoming with info anyway, and share this info with me on their own!  GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

I always communicate with my children's teachers at the start of the school year.  As we adopted older children overseas, it's not like the adoption is a big secret and moreover, the school has been very proactive in addressing the educational and social needs of my children.  

So, the first thing I always tell teachers is how to contact me at any time.  We have ongoing communication throughout the school year.  I'm not a "helicopter" parent, but there are social and educational challenges with older adoptees from another country.  I try to inform the teachers of different quirks and make sure that we are on the same page.

ETA: My communication with the teachers isn't "Hi, my son/daughter was adopted."

Answer 10

We don't necessarily send in a letter, but we do inform the principle / secretary / teacher of what is going on at the time and also remind them that only a few people are allowed to pick him up.  They are also very good at double checking with me, as his transportation to therapy may not always be the same person (sigh)..but as long as they have id, then the red flag is only raised 1/2 way instead of all the way up.

Ok, after reading the other answers let me EDIT...we don't feel like we are lableing him...but maybe we are.  The only reason we tell them that he is going thru an adoption as Mom has some tendencies to roam our neighborhood / show up at school and watch him from across the street.  We can't prove it...but sometimes he will tell us that he saw mommy in a car while we were at the park!  I will take all of this into consideration when talking to teachers and such this year and do it during conferences, unless emergencies arise.  They do know that as of last year his situation...

Answer 11

My adoptions are both very obvious due the the racial differences between my wife and I and our two adopted daughters.  I've never written a letter to their school or to anyone regarding their adoption.  I make sure we are involved in their schooling and their activities as a parent volunteer so they know us and know our background and there is no need to bring it up any other way or to need to use "positive adoption language" (what ever the heck that may be).

Answer 12

I would like to respectfully disagree with the first answerer.  I am a teacher too...I taught seven years in elementary education as a classroom teacher and now teach in preschool and with the little guys, sometimes you need to have that conversation with the teacher because when a teacher gives one of "those" assignments, the child might have a negative reaction to it...things they may be thinking are not knowing about the first family, not wanting to ask APs, thinking if they speak to the teacher about this then they may be in trouble.

A child that young will most likely not have all the tools they need to effectively communicate the difficulties of this type of assignment...if you as  a parent give a pre-emptive move, then this may ease some of the difficulty the child may face.

I agree with the first answerer in that you don't want to be a "helicopter", so that is why I think it is best that maybe you drop by on Open House and discreetly let the teacher know how happy you were to build your family through adoption and if there are any of "those" assignments, have the teacher feel free to call you to discuss how they can adjust it so the child is successful and confident in how it can be completed on his/her end.  You could also drop this in a note or a quick phone call and spare the details, but give a heads up.