Bad blood between my sister and his cousin... what should i do?

Question

The answer may sound obvious but for some reason it's not that simple. Right after my grandmother died a few years ago, my fiance and I were at a party and my half sister (who was in town for the funeral) and my fiance's cousin (who had just gotten back from the war) were both there and we were all drinking (we are all in our 20's.) Later into the night, they both passed out on the couch and after a little while we heard a commotion and she said that she woke up and he was touching her inappropriately. She was obviously very upset and he denied doing it. My now fiance, myself and my sister all left shortly thereafter and since then I have not been in much contact with either my half-sister or half-brother.

Now my fiance and I are planning our wedding and are stuck in a bad situation with who to invite. It may sound obvious, this jack hole did a detestable thing, so the choice seems obvious. However, if we don't invite him, all of the people in my fiance's family who are directly related to him (his other cousins, his aunt, etc.) will undoubtedly wonder why...

I just want some input on how we should handle this situation....

Answer 1

oh god that's a crappy situation.  Well you could either not invite him and tell them why. Or not invite your sister. OR invite both and warn him to stay away from her.  I'd go with the third option and let him know, the first sign of trouble he is out.  I'm sure someone else knows of this situation, have them keep an eye on the evening and if they see him do something they can tell him toleave.

personally, I wouldn't invite him at all and have no quams about telling people why.  

What if you emailed him saying "I am sorry we cannot invite you because of the situation that occured,  i hope you will handle this responsably but if people start wondering why you aren't there I will tell them what happened" okay not in those words. that sounds almost like blackmail but get that idea across to him.

good luck

Answer 2

I would not send him an invitation. If anyone asks you why you didn't invite him tell the truth - "he can't be trusted to behave himself." And let it go at that. Don't go into details. This is your wedding, not the United Nations. You don't need everyone's approval for a mandate.  

Answer 3

All you have to say is " I don't know." Come on, don't let peer pressure

force you to do somthing that would be unwise.

Groping is a crime, The jerk is lucky charges weren't pressed.

You don't owe anybody an explanation. Any body that asks you can say, " I don't know, you will have to ask him."

Then he can be put on the spot and learn that actions cause consequences. People like him are depending on the fact that the situation is "uncomfortable" for you and embarressing  and therefore his actions might be ignored.

Its not  your fault he is a perpetrator.

Don't invite him.  

Answer 4

Oy. That's a tough one. I would ask your sister how she feels about it, and respect her wishes. If she doesn't want him there, don't invite them. If anyone asks, say it's a private matter, but you ask that everyone respects your decisions. Or she might have to come out and say what happened, which will be really hard, but in the long-run, it will help, especially for future weddings and family gatherings.

Answer 5

It's simple; just leave town and go somewhere and have the wedding alone.  Who's getting married here? You or them?

Answer 6

I agree, ask your sister and respect her wishes. It was a long time ago, so maybe she's OK with being in the same place as he, but maybe she's still (understandably) upset about it. If she feels uncomfortable with him there, then don't invite him, and then if the family asks why, tell them and leave it at that. Doesn't seem to me like he has a reason to get mad if he's not invited after all of that.

But you never know. Maybe she'll be OK with it, and he'll apologize, and everything will be fine. Try not to stress out over it too much, it's out of your control.

Answer 7

They are both adults, invite them both and let them work it out.