Battling an Inner Struggle-Opinions on piece?

Question

Battle of One

Its not you

Put away the pain

Relax-Breathe in

Don’t get taken under

You don’t wear a cape

You are only human

Its not you

Shake away the hurt

Break through the doubt

Your candle’s flickering

Don’t let them snuff it out

Step away from their horns

Troubled matador

Don’t take on the brunt

It is far too much

You cannot take the crush

Stop placing fault

In your own reflection

Square shapes can’t

Fit into triangles

You are not the equation

To all of their problems

They need to find solution

Release this weight

It’s such a heavy burden

Pressing into your arches

Your shoulders giving way

You are not a god

It will only leave your broken

Its not you

A new shift brings

A change in seasons

The sunshine can sometimes fade

But you are not the reason

Its not you

Lay down your sadness

Be not the whipping boy

Your body is no sacrifice

The vultures circle you

Don’t let them get the prize

Answer 1

Hello,

I know you take your work seriously. So, I will respond in kind and give you a serious critique. As always, feel free to ignore or use what works, this is just one reader’s feedback:

I think there are good things going on this poem. I want to say that up front so you can take the comments in the proper tone.

The conversational voice throughout the piece is good. I would be tempted though to either pare some of the lines down here, or give some more concrete examples to draw out some of the abstract ideas.

“It’s not you” is a good lead in. You may want to consider it as a lead in for every strophe. In those cases though you might want to condense the ideas to less strophes as the repetition may get too great. It might also be nice to structure your lines around a central image in each strophe…for example:

It’s not you

Troubled Matador

2-3 descriptive lines reflecting on the comparison

It’s not you

Breathless Captain

2-3 descriptive lines reflecting on the comparison

So in other strophes your structure may change:

It’s not you

Whipping Boy

And you would than think up a title for the one whom the vultures circle, etc.

You could than end with something like your first stanza…though a new type of closure may present itself.

A couple of line comments without addressing the structural possibilities. These are more to get you thinking than suggesting specific changes:

Its not you

Put away the pain—What type of pain, a descriptive image would make this more concrete.

Relax-Breathe in

Don’t get taken under

You don’t wear a cape

You are only human

Its not you

Shake away the hurt—Again specific concrete is better than a vague hurt.

Break through the doubt—same with this line. Think specifics or images that show the person doubting.

Your candle’s flickering—this would seem to be a metaphor of hope going away. Do the same thing for doubt, and hurt.

Don’t let them snuff it out—You could explore who them is a little more. You could provide examples.

Step away from their horns--Good

Troubled matador

Don’t take on the brunt

It is far too much—This may not be necessary the images you choose can convey whether it is too much or not.

You cannot take the crush

Stop placing fault

In your own reflection--Good

Square shapes can’t

Fit into triangles

You are not the equation

To all of their problems

They need to find solution---Maybe condense the last two lines: “that solves every problem” I think you need to be careful here with “their” or “them” in other places. It’s a bit of an indistinct pronoun and doesn’t feel exclusive. Also, in all of the strophes without an image set to build around (i.e., matador, etc) consider coming up with one.

Release this weight

It’s such a heavy burden—too telling…you can cut this line. The next two say it already.

Pressing into your arches

Your shoulders giving way—Your isn’t necessary because of the last line.

You are not a god

It will only leave your broken—These last two lines might actually be a good ending for the poem. Typo: your should be you.

Its not you

A new shift brings

A change in seasons

The sunshine can sometimes fade

But you are not the reason—I like these last two lines, but you may want to cut the first three.

Its not you

Lay down your sadness

Be not the whipping boy—Maybe switch the syntax to Don’t be the whipping boy.

Your body is no sacrifice—This is an excellent line.

The vultures circle you—You may want to put this under the whipping boy line and end the strophe on the line above.

Don’t let them get the prize—You could cut this if you restructure.

Finger pointers

Doing all the talking

And often all the taking—You could drop and often.

You cannot be so eager

To stretch your damaged arms

Forsaking all of you

Until you fall apart

Breathless captain

Keep from going under

This boat-already broken

You are not to blame

Your strength can rebuild disaster

And it will sail again

I hope some of that helps.

Answer 2

"Hi!",

I was getting worried about you as I hadn't seen you round. I just said to my husband I swear It's dragon lady. I thought just in case I'd add you to my contacts which displayed you already were. so I went to your profile and saw your message.

Your unique in your writing. So I can distinguish you from others.

Another successful poem for me.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 3

Thank you for that one.

The need to take responsibility and carry it squarely on ones shoulders when it is not in fact mine or yours to take, is ominous.. and no it is NOT me or you..

The war of the wills in the head and the need to survive and flourish requires that one gives back that responsbility to its owners and free his energy up to take back the day and become whole again..

Truth in poetry, you struck a chord and I responded..

nicely done.