Becoming closer to my birthmother? I don't know what to say to her and others?

Question

Ok. I was adopted as an infant, and my parents have always told me about my birthmom, my adoption story and everything.

When I was 18, my birthmom got in contact with me and I agreed to meet her. Everything went ok, she was a nice lady, but the thing is I felt zero connection to her. I liked her and all, and I'm happy to keep in touch with her (I think she really needs it), but it was just like meeting a stranger. Also, lately she's asked me to call her "Mom", which feels kind of weird!

I don't feel guilty or anything like that, and I know my parents would be totally ok with anything I did, but I just don't feel like she's my Mom!

How do I tell her I don't want to call her Mom, or really treat her like a Mom without hurting her feelings? She asked me to spend Xmas with them this year, but I want to spend it with my family, like I always do? Please help?

Answer 1

A few tips from a fellow adoptee...

First off, just tell your biomom you're not comfortable calling her mom right now.

Just call he by her first name. Getting to know a person takes time!! Notice the similarities you have, what are the differences? Sometimes it takes a while to notice them and you find these strange parallels. Which is any amazing experience but only happens after spending time with each other.

If your biomom is too pushy, then first off I'm sorry because that is a really hard thing to deal with. But you might start of thinking that she might actually just be trying to let you know that you are included and loved and might not realize how she is coming off.

So the first thing is to just tell her honestly, "Oh my adoptive parents would be so sad, and I love have Christmas with them!" and then ask her if she wants to have an early Christmas get together and gift exchange.

I do that with all of my biofamily, they actually all come to my adoptive moms house and we all ahve a preChristmas dinner and present opening and the like, it's really nice. (Of course you might feel more comfortable going over there for the Christmas party)

In any case, if she is really inviting you just because she genuinely wants you to feel invited and to know you are loved, she will understand and she will be delighted to have early Christmas with you!

Give it a try!

Answer 2

BE HONEST WITH YOUR BIRTH MOM!  TELL HER THAT YOU ARE GLAD SHE IS IN YOUR LIFE TODAY, BUT YOU FEEL FUNNY CALLING HER MOM.  YOU HAD A MOM THAT GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND NOW YOU HAVE A MOM THAT WAS THERE FOR YOU AS A INFANT, TEEN YEARS AND ADULT.  

TELL YOUR BIRTH MOM THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE ONE STEP AT TIME TO FEEL COMFORTABLE BEING AROUND HER AND HER FAMILY.  ASK HER IF YOUR FAMILY NOW CAN SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH HER FAMILY THAT WAY U DON'T LEAVE YOUR FAMILIES OUT.

Answer 3

I think your birthmother is being a bit selfish. She should insist that you call her what you feel comfortable with, from what you post you’re not comfortable with calling her mom. This is the thing about reuniting  with biological family; you will have to set down some boundaries.

I would sit down with your birthmother and explain to her kindly that you are gratefully to have been able to meet her and get to know her. But that you don’t feel comfortable calling her mom or treatinh her in a motherly way. For the simple reason that she is not your mom, she hasn’t been since you lived in her womb. The woman who has raised you since you were an infant is mom.

If you want to spend Christmas with your family, then I say do it. Perhaps you could speak to your bio relatives on the phone Christmas day. Christmas is a time to be happy, and if you’re not happy as you’d rather be with your family, then you wouldn’t have a good time.

Please remember that it is not your job or responsibility to make sure your birthmother is ok. I say this from the comment in your post about you feeling that she needs to have this contact with you. Again it  would be a good idea to set boundaries now, what you expect out of this relationship with her.  You should set them based on you, not her.

Answer 4

This also happened to me. I felt much like you do. Do what you feel best about. Spend Christmas with your family as you and i am sure they wish. Tell her you may be able to spend a holiday with her one day in the future. Could you ask her if you could call her by her first name? I didn't have this problem as I already had children of my own when we met and called her 'Grandma + surname' which seemed to work OK. All the best.

Answer 5

It is your choice how much contact you have with your birth mother, you should feel comfortable and happy with your decision.  If you look at your adoptive mother as Mom, then you should tell your birth mother that name is reserved your adoptive mother - the mom you have known for the past 18 years.  Perhaps in time you will want to call your birth mother Mother, or a nickname or even just her first name.  Give it time and do what seems right to you.

If your family has special traditions like Christmas, just explain nicely that you always do specific things with them, so why don't you two get together Christmas eve or the day after Christmas.

It worries me that you say you think she really needs to keep in touch.  You need to be the one to dictate how this relationship will work, what feels good for you.  Please don't be afraid to state exactly what you need.

Answer 6

You must understand that she is the one that gave you life, when God sent you on the Earth.

People can do mistakes..otherwise she would have been your mother ..never giving you to adoption...

people are very tempetd by satan who knows that he will live in h**l ..and some of us are weak and loose contact with God...even my mother would have been accepted to give me to her sister..and my mother was a teacher..during comunism..when she hadn't enough money..and her sister didn't have children...but while i was growing  i refused..

there are people who love their children very much and despite this satan tries to sepatate them from their children..to take one of them..on the purpose that they don't have enough money..that they will live in luxury..but the real luxury id the faith in God that al least some of the original parents have ..while the parents who addopt the children don't have..but have money..

so ..just ..try to please your mom, because she gave life to you..even if she left you...

also be gratefull to the parents that adopted..you..even if they are not perfect...

they all together..make it work out..

Answer 7

You Need To Tell Her You Aren't Comfortable Calling Her Mom Right Now, It's Hard Because You Have Someone You Call Mom. If You Want To Spend Christmas With Your Family, Could You Do Something With Your Birth Mom Either Just Before Or Just After? I'd Have Suggested You Spend New Year With Her But You May Have Other Ideas All Together For Then Mate.

If You Feel You Are Getting Closer To Her And Want To Spend More Time Together Then You Have To Take It Easy And Don't Jump In With Both Feet. You Sound As Though You Don't Want To Hurt Antibody's Feelings And This Is Making It More Difficult For You?

All I Can Suggest Is Talk To Your Parents, After All They've Known You The Longest And Will Understand How You Are Feeling. They May Surprise You, Just Give It A Try And Be Happy Mate. It's Not Easy For Your Birth Mom Either.

Answer 8

Be honest with her regarding your feelings.  You don't need to go into great detail as to why you don't want to call her mom.  I would explain that you appreciate the invitation regarding Christmas, but  that at this time you still wish to spend it as you always have in the past and as time moves forward you may wish to spend a holiday with her.

Answer 9

wow that's a tough one. I'm adopted and I have met my birth mother.  She has never asked me to call her mom or anything. I don't think I ever could as far as I'm concerned I already have a mom. I'd just say to her that you don't want to hurt your mom's feelings by calling her mom tell her your grateful for everything but you'd prefer to call her by her first name. Tell her you placed me with a great family and already have a mom but you'd like to have her has a friend. As for the Christmas thing stay with your family sure go and stay a night maybe but do it when your family stuff is over. Its to bad you don't feel a connection with her but you might build up to that. My birth mom and i get alone pretty good. Well I wish ya the best of luck with it. Sorry I couldn't help more. P.S. Just be yourself around them.

Answer 10

One can understand your feeling. Especially since you have been adopted since an infant. You dont feel that connection. Have you asked yr birth mother why did she put u up for adoption, no loving mum can part with their child, she did not feel any love for you at that time, giving an infant away.May be circumstances lead her to do it, may be now she is more mature and understands what a mistake she made giving away a beautiful child. Its not natural for you to call her mum or spend xmas with them, you have not seen her in 18yrs. Its not easy. Explain that to her.

Answer 11

Be honest with her.  Tell her that you are not comfortable calling her "MOM".  Tell her that you all ready have plans for the holiday season.

If I lost contact with my bdaughter and we found each other later then that is all that I expect from her.  Honesty.  We are doing each other any good if we have a relationship with lies and being uncomfortable.

Answer 12

Well so was I adopted as a baby, my mother was only 13 when she had me and I met with her about a year ago and that was such a big thing!

We took her out for dinner and i ask her to pass the salt and she said tell me you LOVE me first and i was not happy, cos how can you love a person that you have only known for a short while! Well you cannot do that.

So i still talk with my birthmother and my full sister all the time but i can tell my sister that i love her but still not my mum, i believe it is cos i am feeling hurt that she gave me up and that will not go away every(we both had wonderful parents) so who needs another mother?? But i do have a friend.

OOH yeah spend christmas with your family but tried to make an effort to see her just remember  she has always thought of you as her's and she is just trying to make up for lost time (it will not happen) as time is moving forward. I saw my mother 2 days after christmas and she was overjoyed to see that i was there so it doesn't have to be on the day!!

Please just be true to yourself and all will work out just the way you want it to!

Answer 13

take one step@atime first tell her that your relatiomship isnt ready for calling her mom or x-mas yet but if you spend time with her you might. dont spend x-mas this year but maybe next

Answer 14

Losing their adopted child back to their birth mother is something I think a lot of adoptive parents fear. I know I do. But I maintain contact through the adoption agency with the birth mother and father in case my kids may to contact them or meet them. I want them to do what they need to do if they feel they need to meet or have a relationship with her.

As for you, I would simple tell your birth Mom, thank you for giving you life and very loving parents.While you understand that she is your birth mother, you already have a Mom.  It is so great to know that she cares for you but so do your Mom and Dad. Tell her you appreciate the invitation but you choose to spend Christmas with you family this year.

I am sure it will hurt your birth Mom some. Whatever reasons she may have had to give you up are gone and she wants to have you back in her life. Just let her know that you have a good life and happy life.