Been married for almost 29 yrs. Husband is 17 yrs. older. Is it common for these men to be verbally abusive?

Question

He's retired, home everyday. Hardly have time to myself, unless he runs an errand. Have been to countless therapists with and without him for 2 yrs. Many have told me I should move on.I question myself as to why I can't do it. I feel sorry for him sometimes, even tho' he's in the good health! Our son is grown and out of the house. He distances himself from his Dad. The same for his other 2 children that I helped raise from ages 10 & 12 !

Answer 1

leave him soon

Answer 2

If he is in good health, and you would be fine on your own, then you need to leave.  You only live once so why live the rest of your life in misery?  It is really sad when your own kids don't want anything to do with you.  

Answer 3

s.h.i.t. or get off the pot.  

Answer 4

He is just an old bad habit that you can't seem to get rid of.  I, too, was married to a man 17 yrs my senior and was miserable the entire 18 yrs!  Don't waste any more of your life listening to his c**p - get out of there and enjoy what's left of your life!

Answer 5

That would put him in his 60's?

Are you sure that he's not showing the early signs of Alzheimer's or dementia? Being grouchy and abusive is frequently a sign.

Answer 6

Buttholes are going to be buttholes at any age.

Answer 7

It's not common in my experiences but it seems your man has a lot of free time on his hands and as you say you have no time for yourself.  At the least you need to make some time for yourself and explain to him that's how it is.  Maybe he feels you should be there sharing everything with him, maybe that's how he pictured it.  Obviously he has less energy than you, because he's older.  If this is the only reason you want to leave, you need to become involved in something that takes you away for a few hours each day.  If I was around someone 24-7 I would scream and never stop.

Answer 8

You have two options:  DEAL WITH IT OR MOVE ON!

Answer 9

he's probably depressed.  he's retired, so he has no where to go everyday anymore, he's home everyday, which i can imagine the 4 walls closing in on you.  he needs to get a hobby.  something that he can do with other "old" guys.  don't feel sorry for him, cuz that's more depressing, take up golf, or something with him.

Answer 10

Do you think he feels sorry for you when he is verbally abusing you? NO, he doesn't so stop feeling sorry for him and for yourself. If all the professionals you've seen are telling you to move on...then by God move on and stop torturing yourself!  I take it you've gone to several different therapist in hopes of finding the one that will tell you not to leave and how to make him change? Well you haven't found him/her for a reason....he's not going to change period.  What you need to ask yourself is....Do I want to spend what's left of my life miserable, sad, lonely? OR Should I free myself of this misery and make my existence a happy one?  Trust me you are better off alone, you will not only have peace of mind but you can do as you please without the worry that someone is not going to approve and in turn offend and crush you. Who knows you may even find someone who will truly appreciates you.  You have nothing to loose other than that abuse and that would be GRAND :)

Answer 11

OK, so your answer is there. All 3 kids can't take him, your therapists say move on...

So do I.

Pity is not a reason to put up with garbage for the rest of your life. Verbal abuse is insidious; you think if he who loves you can consider you so low, stupid, untrustworthy, whatever, then obviously you must be somehow some of those things.

Words hurt, and last, longer than bruises. Don't let his bitterness poison the rest of your years.

Answer 12

My husband is 13 years older. He's verbally abusive. I don't know if it's the age difference or what. Maybe you should take the advice of the counselors.

Answer 13

Sadly, yes. Look at the time period he was raised it. In those times the man went to work. The mother stayed home to tend to all housely duties and the children. Women were not allowed to have opinions or voice them if they did. Their minds were not valued at all. And women were constantly talked down to. So I'm sure that's what he grew up seeing so therefore you now have a product of environment. Point blank. . . you cannot change people. No matter how hard you try or how many councelling sessions you go to! I can only imagine how hard this is for you but what will make you happy in the long run? Him or you?

Answer 14

Have you ever seen any of the tyler perry movies like "Diaries of a Mad Black Woman"  and Family Reunion. They have the right idea make him breakfast make him some grits he will figure it out.  No not really dont go beatten your man.  Maybe he needs a hobby or maybe you should move on.  His kids cant even put up with him that is saying a lot.  I hope you find happiness and more than that I hope you find PEACE

Answer 15

When you think about leaving, you start 2 picture him the waay he WAS when you fell in love. But thats not him anymore. Dont hurt yourself more than your letting happen. Just walk away. Atleast you know that YOU tried and be proud you did. He very selfishly didn't. Marriage is not about yourself,its about the other person. ON both sides. He can't grasp that obviously, so save yourself years more of damaging unhappiness and leave. YOu deserve better.

Answer 16

Usually retired guys are more chilled out.  If he just started this behavior, make sure he gets a physical.

If you just noticed it (because he is home more)  may this is why his first wife dumped him (unless he was widowed).  This would explain why he seeked out a gal that was 17 years younger, someone too naive to see the real him.

AT this stage you are pretty much stuck with the old guy.  

Answer 17

There's no excuse for being verbally abusive, no matter what the age (Unless he has dementia or alzheimers or some other neurological disorder that prohibits him from having self-control.)  If you are being verbally abused...you need to move on from him.  Don't feel sorry for him. He could have changed if he really wanted to.  He's choosing being verbally abusive or having you in his life.