Before having s*x the first time...I thought I'd somehow say lets get tested for STDs first.?

Question

so, I am at the point in a relationship where we haven't had s*x, but its around the corner. I am thinking that once the relationship turns more sexual where s*x is the next thing is to have a conversation on the couch about getting tested before having s*x. The only thing I am really interested is knowing is if someone has genital herpes because you can't protect for it and 20-25% of the US population have it. how would I approach this...I don't want her to be offended.

Answer 1

Your chances of getting an STD are already at least 25% as you indicate.  Don't have s*x and your chances of getting an STD are 0%.  Save s*x for marriage.  You'll be glad you did.

Answer 2

The only thing you can do is be honest.

If you are just looking for a friendly s*x partner, then you can say "I want to know exactly what we can do together that's safe for both of us.  Let's get tested for everything so that we can know what we're dealing with."

If you think you might want to be with this woman forever, or at least are falling in love with her and anticipate being with her for a long time, then you can say "I'd like us to get tested so that we both know, going into this relationship, exactly where we stand.  If there is a chance that you are going to be my one-and-only, I want to start this relationship on a clean slate - with both of us knowing everything and confronting any challenges together."

Frankly, it sounds like you want to do this test so that you can dump her if she has herpes.   And that is going to be a very difficult thing to phrase in a polite way.   If I was dating you, and I thought that was your intention, I wouldn't get tested - I would dump you first.   But that's just me.

And a blood test can't tell you if a person has genital herpes.    It can tell you if a person has HSV1 or HSV2, but since you can get either virus in either place, you just won't know.   Also, you then have the whole "do we or don't we" oral s*x issue to deal with, since most adults (50% to 80%) have oral herpes.  You're likely to find that more than half of the women you date will have HSV1 - which is likely oral herpes - and thus could put you at risk for genital herpes through oral s*x.  

How about saying "Even though I know that genital herpes isn't fatal, or causes any real medical problems, I'm really really scared of getting genital herpes - even more so than AIDS or stuff like that.  I know its silly, but would you be willing to be tested for herpes?  It would really put me at ease."

Sorry.  That's the best I can do.  Good luck.