Being a Stay at home Mom = Priority?

Question

Let me first say that anything here is not directed towards anyone specific nor am I targeting anyone with special circumstances (single moms, widows,etc) BUT...I have always felt that being a stay at home mom is top priority in raising a family. Having a child is the most god given gift to women. I believe at the moment you bring a child into this world, WE are no longer priority. No Degree, job position, or amount of money can keep me away from my children. So I have often heard mothers say, "Oh, I have to work because of our bills".....well I say, get rid of some of the bills....NOT your children! One income is possible, believe me I am doing it! We are military and are on one income and we don't do great all the time, but we always manage. At least our children are happy, loved, content. The extra income would only go to having more extravagant things, which is what we don't want to teach our children life is about. We teach about the simple things in life to create happiness. So in the end, my question is this........

Can someone give me a good reason why a mother should not stay home to raise her children??? (Not including single moms, widows,etc...basically anything but the norm)

Answer 1

Yes being in the military is tough (military brat i am) but you also need to understand that the civilian families do not get housing allowence, in most cases (notice MOST) military families do not have to pay for a majority of their utilities... here in texas it is not out of the norm to pay well over $200 for an electirc bill in the summer. Also health insurance for a family in this area costs about $300/month. And that is the sucky insurance. I am a stay at home mom. Thanks to my hubby working in the oil company, but unless you have walked in the working moms shoes then you have no right to say that they are getting rid of their children.

Answer 2

Who are you to decide what is best for everyone? Are you going to give people money to get rid of their bills? Some women don't want to stay home, and that's OK! Not everyone that has 2 incomes is living a "luxury life". Why should a woman have to give up her career to stay home?

Example: What if she is the big money maker, lets say a female Dr. is married to a laborer, it would be in the best interest of the family to loose 300K in income and they should now live on 25K, that doesn't seem like it's in the kids best interest (now they have to move to a low income housing district and send their kids to a crappy public school, won't the mom feel fulfilled and happy...)

Edit: How dare you decide when is the right time for someone to start a family! How come people that try to push god down your throat are the most judgemental?

Answer 3

first, let me start by saying, between the hubby and i, we are pregnant with our 5th. He has 2 from and previous marriage, and i have 1 from a previous relationship, and we are having our 2nd together. He works 2 FULLTIME jobs, so I can be with the kids. I do work a part time job 3 nights a week, to basically have money "in my pocket". I definetley agree with you, that it can be done, and you do have to make sacrafices... but it is well worth it. As crazy as my kids make me sometimes, I love being with them, knowing they are being well taken care of. And as far as the daycare, If it wasnt for the fact my mom watches them after she gets home from work, i definetley wouldnt work at all. I agree with you.... our kids should come first. and as screwed up as society is, i think the best caregivers are parents themselves!!

Answer 4

Unless you have personally looked at, researched, and been involved with other people's financial lives, then you don't know what they can and cannot do in regards to income. It would certainly be nice if we could all just "get rid of some bills," but I am pretty sure it doesn't work that way - you don't just throw debt and/or necessities in the trash can when you feel like it.

You are basically pigeonholing working women into two categories: those who need to work because they are single AND those who work because they are materialistic. Nice. How about those women who work because they want to make a valuable contribution to their communities? I can think of many working mothers who I am so grateful to for sharing their time and talent.....my daughter's teacher, my husband's assistant, my midwife, my son's speech therapist, etc..... They aren't working because they want luxury items; they work because they have something special to offer society. And my life is better because of it.

Your whole question is really unproductive. The reality is that working mothers are not mere tokens in the workforce. Do you think that all working moms could just simply pull out of their jobs and go unnoticed? Don't you think that there might be some negative consequences to that? Society doesn't appease working mothers by putting them in jobs; society NEEDS mothers to work. And many mothers need to work to pay the bills (for things like healthcare, mortgage, etc...).

So, in my opinion, the better question would be this...How can mothers still contribute to society, still make necessary income by working AND still make sure their children's needs are met. How about on-site daycare? Extended maternity leave? Better afterschool programs? Flexible schedules? Shared schedules? Less expensive health insurance?

Maybe answering those questions would be more productive than simply attacking mothers who you don't know, who have shoes that you do not walk in, and who love their children just as much as you do.

ADDED: You are operating under your own, unfounded assumptions that working mothers somehow care less for their children than you do, put their jobs ahead of their children, and cannot meet the needs of their children. Do you have evidence or research to back that up with? Besides your own observations and opinions?

A working mother who uses her time and talents to help others, works hard at her job, and cares about making her community a better place to live might actually think that she is setting a pretty darn good example for her children. And I certainly cannot argue with that.

A working mother might also feel like she is doing her children a favor by having more money for certain things. Not boats, or luxury homes, or expensive clothing. But things like better neighborhoods with better school districts, or sports programs and extracurricular activities, or college savings, etc.... Maybe in her mind, those things are a priority. She is still thinking of her children's needs regardless of whether or not it looks that way to you.

Answer 5

Kids need love, cherishing, stimulation, and good care all the time.  But they don't need to have it from the same person all the time (and there's arguably some advantage to having them spend time with another caring adult).  If little Suzy stays home all day with mom and mom provides a great environment, that's great.  If she stays home with dad all day and he does, that's great.  If little Suzy is with Grandma or a wonderful day-care provider for part of the day and Mom and Dad the rest of the day, that's great, too.  

If Little Suzy stays home all day with mom but mom sits in front of the tv watching soaps, she'd have been better off somewhere else (no, I don't think that's all stay at home moms, or even very many of them, but it is certainly some of them).  If she goes to a low-quality daycare and gets ignored, she'd also have been better off somewhere else.

You're certainly within your rights to set your own priorities.  Having a parent home full-time was a priority for us, too.  But that's a matter of personal choice and circumstance.  Families that choose (or feel forced into) another choice are just as likely to have happy, successful kids and a strong, loving family.  Having a career doesn't mean putting it above the child.  It just means having both a career and a child.  There's nothing wrong with that at all.  Spending eight hours a day elsewhere while your child is cared for by a competetent, loving adult is hardly abandonment.

Answer 6

so you get upset when people say that you are uneducated and lazy?? yet you go around calling mothers like myself selfish and basically saying we aren't good mothers? we don't enjoy being called names any more than you do!! seems a but hypocritical, no??

and btw...you do sound a bit uneducated to me? i mean come on saying that working mothers dont DESERVE to have children. how dumb can you really get? yes i am such a horrible mother because i provide for my family? now really please tell me there is something wrong with that.

ADD: o and i make about 20 dollars an hour more than myhusband. you are so right maybe i should give up my career and live off of his income, i mean GOSH if its gonna make me a better mother then why not?? WOW!! this is dumb

ADD: omg i just read the post above me, from tony something or other. she says her husband is working 2 FULL TIME JOBS so that she can stay at home with her kids. DAM AND YOU THINK WE ARE SELFISH. poor guy

My husband makes just above minimum wage, and if you expect us to live off of that you are crazy! My income goes to all of our necessities, while my husbands income goes to college funds for the future. Again not all of us are as fortunate as you to have someone paying for my children's education! If you want me to give that up just cuz you think i am selfish you are nuts!

THIS IS HONESTLY ONE OF THE STUPIDEST AND MOST POORLY THOUGHT OUT POST THAT I HAVE READ IN THIS FORUM!! HAHA THANKS FOR THE GOOD LAUGH LADY!!

i really dont care what YOU think will make us working moms better moms. we are obviously more happy with our lives than you are with yours cuz we aren't the ones posting stupid posts and trying to shove our beliefs down people's throats. i feel sorry for you, your life must be sad if you have to come on here just to make yourself feel better.

Answer 7

LOL "God give women this gift, and to put a career above something so beautiful is selfish." Rightttttttttttttt.

Why would you ask a question if you had already passed judgment?

Answer 8

I have put this question on before, and yahoo even deleted one because someone objected to it!

I am a stay at home mum! I love my kids and would do anything for them. We have got into serious financial problems due to this, but we still believe we have been right in our choice! No amount of money can bring back your kids childhood! All the unhappy kids in the school playgrounds are the ones who are picked up by childminders, afterschool carers, or even grandparents! But the working parents are blind to this as they are never there!

Answer 9

I am a stay home mom by choice and a fence sitter on this issue. Its O.K to have a career and not put your life on hold. But raising my child means everything to me as i tried to conceive and finally adoped after 10 long years. I respect a working mom who still gives quality time to her kids. I know many such wonderfull mothers.

I also know a mom who works half day but prefers having the grand parents raise her child in a separate city right from his birth. Meets him once in 2-3 months. Now he's 18 months and not close to his irresponsible mom . Thats what i think is wrong. She lives in India and can afford a nanny for half day . But argues, she doesn't want to leave her child for half a day with her Nanny vis a vis not seeing him 3 months at a stretch and loosing out on all his milestone developmets. Now thats bullshit !!

Answer 10

Why does it have to be the mom that stays home?  Why can't the father stay home with the children?  Why does anyone have to stay home?  I personally am a single mother, so I have to work, but even if I was married I would still work at least part time if not full time.  

If your priority is to stay home with your kids then that's great, but I don't think it makes a woman a bad person to want to advance their career past domestic engineer.  I didn't go to college for 4 years to stay at home, I did it because I wanted a career and I want the best for my family.

My mom worked full-time and she didn't necessarily have to but she had a career that she wanted to pursue, and I don't blame her at all for trying to achieve her goals while having a family.  My child will always be my first priority, but I belive the best for my child would be for her to see me working and taking care of her needs.  

I definitely give props to sahm b/c that is a hard job, but I don't believe in sacrificing your dreams b/c you feel its your duty to stay at home.  Your child should always be your first priority, but putting your kid in daycare isn't the end of the world.  I used to love day care when I was younger b/c it was fun and there were lots of ppl to play with.

My point is...a woman can be successful in her career and be a good mother.

EDIT:  Wow some of these rants from sahm are pretty harsh.  I sense that some of the sahm feel inferior to working moms in a way.  Working mom's don't seem to be bashing the sahm, but they sure are trying to insult us.  Just because I work doesn't mean that I don't love my kid, and I'm trying to push her care into someone else's hands.  Do some research, and stop being so judgemental.

Answer 11

Okay your being very mean to people who can not stay home with there children. My mother worked FULL TIME and supported us since my father did not have a degree as she did. We were lucky enough to have my grandmother to watch us when she was at work. I do not think most woman choose to work instead of staying home with there children, I think most would LOVE to stay home but it is just not possible for so many people to do so. I am currently pregnant with my first child and I will be working after the baby is born, 3 days a week and I am a lucky one that will be able to bring my child with me most days as I am a nanny!!! The children I watch have two working parents and I think these children are going to do just fine, they are not going to be bad kids cause "a stranger" or "cold daycare worker" as you put it, watches them. I take them places and play with them as if they were my own children! Most people think they are my children and the kids love me as a second mom!!! I don't think there is anything wrong with that if that is what the mom has to do!!

I know that even if I couldn't bring my child with me to work I would more then likely have to work. Most people can not just "get rid of some bills" as you said....that would be irresponsible and would teach my children that I don't have to pay that Credit card bill or house bill every month, that I can just choose what to pay and what not to pay? I understand there are something that can go, but most of MY bills are fixed and not able to be changed! I could maybe come up with $200/month to "get rid of" and Thats not going to cover my income!!!!

also why is it that the mother HAS to be the one to stay home, what about the father? I know a guy who is a stay at home dad because his wife makes plenty to get them a nice house and such. why is this a bad thing, he is great with his daughter and I think the life of there child is enriched by having the father around!!!

The bottom line is your being very demanding of woman and I don't think that is fair. while I think it is awesome to be able to stay home and raise your own child and I don't think you should never see your child. I also think there is a middle ground that most woman can have it all...a family and a career!!!

Answer 12

Because she doesn't want to.

Just because a woman desires to work doesn't mean she's a terrible mother, and it doesn't mean that child isn't loved. It just means that family has a different view of raising children than you do.

Likewise, parents have different opinions on what they want their children to eat, or how to punish them when they're misbehaving. Some parents cut out junk food completely, while others allow it conditionally in small portions. Is one way "wrong"? No, not really. They're just different opinions.

Having all the extravagant things are not necessarily why they want to work. Some parents wish to provide a better life to their children than they had when they were growing up. I personally want to stay at home with my children (once they're born), too, but I'll only continue that once they're in school if my husband's income will allow us to live comfortably and save money so we'll be able to maintain that level of comfort. I don't want times to be "tight" - I've had more than enough of that as I was growing up. I never want them to worry about whether or not we'll be able to pay the bills or wonder how they'll pay for college like I'm doing for myself. I want my children to be happy and not worry, and if that requires me to be gone a bit more then so be it. I'll still love them every second I'm at work and make up for it when I get home from it.

Answer 13

I was able to have the best of both worlds. We had a business in the home while the kids were growing up. I worked but my "office" was in the house.

I'm grateful I was able to do that and see them grow up. Now my daughter is a stay-at-home mom.

Answer 14

You are certainly entitled to your opinion...as is everyone else who disagrees with you.  I love how you automatically assume that all children who come from working families are unhappy and unloved - nothing could be farther from my truth in my case.  I work full time and my two year old is happy, well-adjusted, well behaved and developing beautifully.  My husband and I have never loved anything more than our son.

I also take issue with the fact that you think working mothers' motivation to work is driven by their materialism.  Did it ever occur to you that perhaps women work to contribute to their communities or society or because they get personal satisfaction by doing so.  My job provides me with a sense of purpose in my community.  I feel like I am making a difference in my community and it is important to me that my son sees that people are capable of helping others.  The extra money that we do have as a result of me working does not go towards a huge house or fancy car as you imply, but instead to our retirement accounts and our child's educational saving's accounts that will ensure a financially secure future in this unpredicatbale world that we live in right now.  

My son is my top priority - and your implication that he is not because I work is ludicrous.  However, I'm not throwing out the fact that I deserve a bit of happiness and satisfaction in my life just because I have a child.  I have just as much right to be happy as my son does.  Every member of my family deservs to be happy - and we all work together to make sure that we are all satisfied.

You seem a bit hypocritical to me - insulting working moms for calling you uneducated but turning around and bashing working moms.  Why on earth do you care so much how other people choose to manage thier lives anyway?

Answer 15

Sometimes it's best for the kids.  

I admit, I am not cut out to be home with the kids full time.  And a happy mom is a GOOD mom whether she is working at home or at an office.

Answer 16

If you can afford it a close family member should stay home with the kids.

We have become a very materialistic culture.  We put our belongings before our kids.  We put ourselves before our kids!! If you can't have a loving family member watch your children you are putting them at risk. NOBODY!...will care about your kids as you and your family do. The daycare pretends that they do but half of them don't even do a background check on the people they hire.  If you feel bad about yourself for not working and it makes you cranky DON'T HAVE KIDS!!

If you think you can't afford to stay home...sell the stinkin Hummer or downgrade your house!

There are some cases that it absolutely can't be avoided and I feel bad for the parents and the kids. I know a lot of those people would like to stay home but they can't. I feel terrible for these people. Who want too but can't.

Answer 17

I agree with you.  There are very few working mothers who really HAVE to work.  Most can financially make it without working.  They can live in smaller houses, and drive less expensive cars.  If you budget right, MOST people can have the mother stay home with their kids.

My first baby is due in Jan.  I will be quitting my job in December or before (it all depends on how quickly we can get a replacement trained) and I will not be coming back.  I have offered to do some minor part time work from home, if they need me to.  

This is not going to be easy- but my hubby promises that he will make it work.  This is something we both feel is important to do.   We will not have any housing benefits, I won't be going on WIC, my hubby has decent benefits through his job.  We will probably have to rent for a while and money will be tight.  Our children will probably never go on any fancy vacations and if they do, they may get one trip to Disneyland ever.  They won't wear designer clothes, or have the latest technology at home.  BUt they will be raised by their mother and not some cold daycare worker.  My school teacher mother worked at a daycare center for a while and was appalled that people actually thought that was the best condition for their children.  When I need a babysitter for my kids, my family or close friends will step in for me.

The most valuable contribution a mother can make to society is to raise good children.  There is nothing more vital or important to society.

I have a sister who is a stay at home mom and has a bachelors degree.  Not all stay at home moms lack education.  

I really believe that most families could have mom stay home if they were really truly committed to the best interest of their kids and really tightened up their budget.  

My hubby makes less than 40k/year.  I have friends who are stay at home moms, their hubby's make less than 30K and they get by.  You just have to make it a goal and a priority in your life.

I have known a lot of women who went to work to pay for daycare cost.  

I personally hate going to work everyday.  I am looking forward to my baby being the focus of my day.  I can't wait until the only deadlines I have to worry about are naptime and feeding times.  

I know that there are those mothers who have to work.  I grew up in a home with a working mother- I get it.  But most people I know, could make it work, if they really wanted to.  Most just aren't that committed too it.  Their career advancement is more important than anything else.  If these mothers ever got out of their state of denial and feminista attitudes, they would admit that to you.  

Answer 18

I am going to be brutally honest. This is a SORE subject to many mothers. Working mothers work because they have to. They don't have the luxury of being able to stay at home....like you and I do. I personally would LOVE to go back to work. The ONLY reason why I dont is because I actually can not afford to work. I would be working a job making MAYBE $8 to $10 an hour, and have to pay what equals out to $7 an hour on daycare. It is financially stupid for me to go to work. My husband works, and his business allows us to have a FANTASTIC lifestyle.

But, my best friend works. She has to. She and her husband both make good money. Her husband works, and his job financially pays all of the bills....but HER job is the one with the security, the income, AND the HEALTH BENEFITS!!!! This day in age, you have to have the health bennies. I know she would LOVE to stay at home with her daughter, day in and day out, but her DOCTORATE degree is put to better use at her job. There are some instances besides being a single mother that would cause a mother to go back to work.  

Answer 19

im a stay at home mom i love being here when they come home from school and being here when my husband gets off work some days are very tireing to me but work does the same thing so i wouldnt change nothing but i would love to have a little more money cuz things are very expensive and some things i think my babies should have like snacks and etc.but money be so tight i cant all the time abut god is good stay strong you are a GREAT MOM KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK YOU WILL BE BLESSED FOR RAISEING THEM RIGHT THEY ARE NOT BEING SHOVED OFF ON PEOPLE OR NEVER SEEING YOU AT LEAST THEY KNOW THAT THEY ARE LOVED YOU GO GIRL

Answer 20

i stayed at home for 8 years with my three sons and raised my nephew. while i was at home it was not by my choice, it was because we do no live in the city where public transportation was available and there fore if i wanted to work i had to own a car and we only had one car and my husband made 30000$ a year.

that included not being able to get food unless i got a ride, not being able to take my kids to the doctor, not being to take them to the park and so on. and now you are probaly going to say that i shouldn't have had kids if i was in such a situation, well guess what, i was on birth control. and no the government would not  help.

don't assume that everyone that has children should be at home, we really could have benefited from a second paycheck. from my experience with military children while in school is that they have trouble making friends because of the constant moves, they learn not to bond and cant trust as children.

I am now a teacher of children with special needs so should all these teachers and therapist that work with terminally ill children not have kids?

I have seen both parents working just to pay for their child's therapy and some are still told that their child will be in the wheel chair for the rest of their life. what about these parents?

i have also met some mothers who are better suited not staying at home, thier are social women who cannot deal with the isolation and a mother who is not happy cannot make happy children.

a stay at home mom who feels unsupported becuase her husband has to work 60 hours a week so she can stay home, does not make happy children. its not the amount of time you stay home, its what you do with what time you have.

I know this because I have seen it so many times now that I am working

Answer 21

my hubby is also military and i stay home. i'm going to continue to stay home till the youngest is in school full time, then i'll get a job. like you said, its not always easy, and we don't have everything we want, but my kids are happy here with mommy. But, some woman aren't made to be in the house all day with screaming kids. I think thats fine too. If i had some crazy urge to get a job, i would. its not always about the money. Although i do agree that most of the time that second income goes straight to daycare.