Being a birthparent for 18yrs,when does the adoptee start looking?

Question

I have 4 other children and think of him everyday.

Answer 1

As others have said, it might start when he's 18, or he may never look.  

My son started his search for me when he was 37.

Answer 2

I wanted to know from about age 8. I started searching at 18, it took 20 years. My asis didnt start to search until she was 46. She would have been happy to be found.

Answer 3

You never know.  Some children that are adopted never look and others start the minute they can.  If you really want to know him, maybe you should start looking.

Answer 4

i started when i was 16.  all the info that came with me had been falsified, (as usual) and so it took me 8 years.

Answer 5

It's impossible to say, every last search is so different. why don't you start?

Answer 6

Some adoptees never look for their birthparents.  They may never have been told that they are adopted, or have decided that they prefer not to know.

There's an adjustment period in finding out that you are adopted -- feelings of desertion, criticism, or anger -- and gratitude, loyalty (or guilt about feeling disloyal) to their adoptive parents -- are all common.

A lot has to do with HOW they find out.  Discovering by accident (a family member, finding paperwork), being told in a loving way, or having it shouted out in anger all can play a big part in how a young adult chooses to deal with the knowledge.

Your son may never have had reason to know that he was adopted.  He may have been told that he was abandoned, that you are deceased, or that you chose not to be located - ever.   BUT, other posters are sure to know of connection websites, where birth parents and adoptees can post enough pertinent information to be connected, if they are both interested.  You might also contact the agency who placed your son -- asking them to make a contact to his parents -- who may or may not choose to respond.

Yes, at 18, he has the right to find out -- but only if he knows that there is anything TO find out.

Answer 7

I started searching when I was 18.  In the end my birth family found me.  Dont wait for your son to look for you.  It can be really scary for an adoptee to put themselves out there, the threat of a second rejection or more abandonment is very real for us.  Being found is a great gift, one that takes away a lot of fear.

Answer 8

Depends on the adoptee and I daresay where they were adopted from. Some are looking as early as 12 or 13, but they are unable to use the registries.  Others right around their college years. Still others look once they become a parent.  The internet changed a lot of people's perspectives about when to look and how.

Gotta comment:  one poster indicated that you should have a letter put into your file allowing the other party to be able to contact you or at least have the information.  Might work at some places.  Catholic Charities throws it away.

Answer 9

Patterns that I have noticed. Female adoptees start sooner then males. I think many adoptees start looking when they start having their own families. It causes them to wonder more about medical history. Many adoptees start looking in their 30s. Sometimes I think male adoptees are challenged by their wives to start looking. Many times I note that daughters of male adoptees will start the ruckus around age 8 or so (usually after watching Oliver Twist or Little Orphan Annie ha!). With the Internet, it is getting easier and easier to snoop. I think the age will get lower and lower with this invent!Again, these are just the patterns that I have noticed in my experience. This is certainly not a blanket case for anyone.

Also, be sure to make some posts if you are trolling the registries. I think it is quite possible that if both me and my birth-mom weren't just passively "looking", and were posting instead, we may have located each other sooner?

Answer 10

As so many of us have answered so eloquently, an active search may or may not happen at any time.

That said, your child may have been looking for you inactively his entire life.  I know I did.  Every young woman who looked anything like me gave me a jolt.  And for some reason, I always thought my mom would find ME.  Maybe because she was the one who relinquished.

Answer 11

Studies of adoptees who search, such as the studies outlined in Brodzinsky and Bertocci's article "The Meaning of the Search" ("The Psychology of Adoption" , New York, Oxford University Press, 1990, Brodzinsky and Schechter, eds.,)  show the average age of the adoptee who is searching to be 29.

Of course, that is just an average.  Some start as early as 18.  Some wait until they are in their 50's or even 60's.  For a number of women, giving birth seems to be an impetus for search.  I searhed in my mid-thirties when my new husband asked me about it.  He supported me all the way.

Some will never search.

Keep in mind that your child is now an adult.  You can search, as well.  Depending on the state in which the adoption took place, you will have a variety of search methods available to you all the way from registries to Confidential Intermediary services to facilitate reunion.

Here is a link that talks about searching in different states:

http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?...

Answer 12

Why dont you contact the agency you adopted through and you can put a letter in his file. If he comes looking they can give it to him.

Birth Mom's : Agencies can and will do this so if you are looking for a child you gave to adoption contact the agency.

Answer 13

That's a good question from the stand point alot of stories have been told by adoptees that tryed to find their birth mothers and were rejected. Maybe you should start a search of your own,if you can find his where abouts, have someone you know contact him about a reunion between the two of you. Having someone act on the part of both of you for answers, about meeting. Our nephew found where his birth mother lived, called to meet with her, she told him she didn't want anything to do with him, that's why I suggest another person to avoid hurt to one or the other.

Answer 14

I was 36 when I started my search.  I wish I had started earlier.  Some adoptees don't search right away (and sometimes at all) because of fear of rejection, of being unwelcome, of the unknown.  Several adoptees I've met recently searched only to find that they had waited a few years too late, and their original mother had died.

You can search yourself (and I would encourage you to do so).  At the very least, you can make it easier to find you.  Contact the agency (assuming you went through one) and make sure they have updated information on where you are.  Post your name on registries, for example:

http://www.isrr.net

Good luck to you.

Answer 15

A lot of great answers already, I don't have much to add really, except my own story.

I started my search when I was 22.  I was very afraid of rejection, of being turned away, that she hadn't told anyone about me and wasn't willing to, etc.  It was very, very scary.  But it was something I always wanted to do, so the results of the search would be worth it, no matter what.  I needed that closure.

I think that if I had been the one to be "found", it would have been very, very wonderful.  It would have demonstrated to me what I had wondered about and hoped for my entire life...that she really did think of me and love me all those years.

Just my .02, good luck with whatever you decide to do.