Being accepted by young step kids?

Question

i have been with my man for a little over a year... his daughters, 7 and almost 5 years old, adore me... for the first several months, they knew me as dad's best friend... then, as time progressed, i became the girlfriend, and after a while, we would share a small kiss in front of them... they have never had any issues with anything and we dont live together.. well, he stays at my house only on the nights he doesnt have the kids... they know we sleep in the same bed when they are with their mother, they always ask to talk to me and my dog whenever they are on the phone... we all eat dinner together, and spend lots of time together, and go places... they help me cook and clean (they ask to help) and we play and we relax and watch tv and the normal family stuff... we're all pretty close.. and maybe i am overreacting, because they are so young, and i am sure they dont really understand the concept of girlfriend (we do plan on getting married, its just not the right time, hence the reason for the question and concern) but it seems lately as if they are pushing me away... for example, the little one, she doesnt really respect me as an adult.. like, she often says to me, "you're not the boss. daddy is..." and then she needs to be reminded by daddy that if he's not around, then they are to listen to me... i always deffer to him when he is around, if they do something wrong, but if he's not, then someone has to take care of them... the older one thinks i am her personal play doll, and my sole purpose is to play with her every waking moment... and thats cool, but if i say no, not right now, or anything, she pouts like i am a horrible person.. i am sure she doesnt do that to her mother... and when talking on the concept of drink sharing, i told her that i only share food and drinks with my family and she says, "but i'm not your family." while i know she's right, the statement killed me... he took them on a 2 week vacation to italy and we were talking on the web cam.. the oldest one got on and jokingly said, "we're never coming home.." and i was like, "oh, thats awesome, so now, i get to move there to be with you guys..." and she said, "well, whose gonna let you? someone has to let you come here?" i dont get it? in the past, she would have said something like, "yea yea, come here!!!" but now, whose gonna let you? now, i have been here taking care of their house and their dog and all that... when i talked to my man about it, he was like, "they're just worried about whose gonna take care of the animals, they dont realize that if that really happened, the dogs would come too..." but still, it seems unlikely... i dunno, maybe i'm overreacting... will they ever accept me as family or an adult or whatever? i thought things were golden for a while, now it seems like they have transgressed.... any thoughts or suggestions?

Answer 1

You are pushing them away because it is NOT your place to discipline them. You are not the boss.........you are their dads girlfriend. I guarantee if you do not realize what your place is in their lives they will resent you more and more each day. They obviously feel threatened by you....wouldn't you feel the same way? Imagine a new person coming into your parents lives and all of a sudden they are telling you what to do, how to behave, punishing you..........that is just not right. While they should respect you and treat you as they would any other adult, any other adult has no right to discipline a child either.

They will only accept you as family if you know your place in that family. They have a father and they have a mother. In the past you were all fun and games. Now all of a sudden you are telling them how to behave and they are pulling away because you really have no right to.

Obviously by you calling them your "step kids" you have some work to do on knowing your place. They are no more your "step kids" than they are mine.

Answer 2

Well, there are a few things that run through my head after reading this.  First of all, I have been in your shoes.  I have been taking care of my fiance's daughter for over a year now.  He recently got sole custody his daughter because her mother is worthless.... anywho...

One thing that I think may be that the children's mother may be telling them that they don't have to listen to you, don't have to obey you etc.  I'm not sure of the maturity level of the kids mother but if she's bitter or jealous she will try her best to turn the kids against you.

The other thing that stuck out in my head was that maybe the kids looked at you as more of a friend than a "parent" figure.  You started out being nice to them to have them like you... but when you have to be authoritative or discipline them they don't see you in a parent mind set.  They still see you as "daddy's friend" and not a potential step mother.  

Just talk it out with your man.  It's hard for kids to accept other adults into their life as a step parent.  You have to be patient.  Also, maybe just sit down with the kids and explain to them that you're an adult and they need to listen to you, and that if you have to discipline them it doesn't mean you don't love or care for them any less.

Answer 3

i've been here before. my husbands daughter and i, when we used to get along well, we would play and hang out all the time. anytime she did something where she needed to be corrected she would listen to me until her mother decided to tell her otherwise. we all live in the same home and her mother has her once a week, can you believe that? well her mom took her for 3 days and brain washed that child into telling me that i wasnt the boss of what was happening in my house and she was disobeying my rules of my home so i finally sat down with her and let her know that its OUR house and because she's the child she needed to repspect mine and my husbands house when she was there and when she was at her moms she needed to respect her house and rules. we didnt wanna lower ourself back to the mothers level. since then we've had to talk to her a couple times but other than that she's been okay about everything.

Answer 4

I'm not sure I am understanding this.  You want them to accept you as family when you have only been dating their father for a little over a year?  I don't think your relationship with them is even appropriate after so little time.  I think it's a bad idea to be the babysitter and the girlfriend.  

In my opinion, at this point, you should just be the "girlfriend" and nothing more.  It's not time for you to fit in any other shoes until you are married to their father.

Answer 5

Oh I feel for you. I have two step kids of my own and have gone through the same thing. At first, the daughter (8 then, 11 now) would follow me around everywhere. She would as well offer to help clean and wanted to be with me constantly. She told me she loved me on a regular basis and I thought we would be very close. The son (10 then , 13 now) was nice to my face but went out of his way to undermind me behind my back. He would wait for my husband to leave, then he would call his mother right in front of me and make fun of me to her. When I tried to talk to my husband about the boys behavior he would tell me that I misunderstood. Now my husband and I are expecting our first child together (due any day) and the daughter has completely turned against me. She stole my phone charger, she lies , and she gives me dirty looks and buts into all my business. Lately she has taken to rearranging everything in the babys room without asking. I told her not to do it but she continues. My husband thinks its cute. The bottom line is our husbands aren't going to make them respect us, its up to us. instead of being nice and being the peace keeper we are going to have to take charge. The next time they say "whos gonna let you" tell them "I'm an adult so I don't need anybody to let me, but if your good, when I get there I'll LET you do something fun. Treat them as children. not equal adults with you and your man. Step kids are really hard to handle,I feel for you because they are such jealous little brats.