Being adopted and how it might effect relationships? For adoptees please...?

Question

If you have been adopted, does it effect you and being able to be in a relationship? Do you outwarding state that you are not bothered by it, but underneath it causes problems with your relationships? Looking for some insight.

My ex boyfriend says he doesnt care about his blood family. He has a blood sister that calls him on occassion, she has various types of retardation. He has no desire to go meet her, but he does talk to her, she has contact with their blood family and she has two sons. His blood mother recently passed away....well 2 years ago and him and his blood sister got a small inheritance. He did not know that his blood mother had lived within 5 miles the whole time she was alive. He says he has his parents and does not feel the need to find out about his blood family. But I wonder? If you need more please ask.

Answer 1

heck no.

and btw, biological family is a more comfotable term.

i don't give a rip about my bio fam. even if one of em died, to me, it's js like seeing another person on the news who died. except, since i know they're kinda a part of me, i'd sorta feel like...wow, weird. now they watch me from heaven. lol.

but to answer your question, no, my bio fam doesn't affect ANY part of my life. i know who my family is. my adoptive parents are the ones that affect my relationship if even that.

you say you "wonder" but if my ex started what you're talkin about, i'd tell him to "effe" off. it's not his business and to find somebody else's life to meddle in.

also, what does it matter if his bio sister is special ed? we didn't need to know that.

sry if i seem overly blunt. but i AM supposed to give my opinion.

Answer 2

There was a very similar question just the other night--a girl was baffled by the fact that her adoptee boyfriend had no desire to find or meet his biological family. I feel the same about it as your ex boyfriend:  I have my family and...I won't say I have no desire to meet my biological parents, but it doesn't bother me on a daily basis or anything. I have the utmost respect and thankfulness toward my birth mother, but I don't feel that I'm missing anything because I was adopted. I feel like my life and family are just like everyone else's.

To answer for myself, I don't think that being an adoptee has had any negative impact on my relationships. However, my situation is quite different from your ex boyfriend's because I have never talked to or met any of my birth family. I would imagine that for some adoptees, it might cause problems. Everyone is different. The situations surrounding the adoptions are different and there are differences in how people handle things. I have read opinions that adopted people end up with an inability to form healthy relationships because of attachment, bonding, and trust issues resulting from the adoption. Like I said, I don't find this to be the case in my life. But there may be a grain of truth to it, or it may be true for some people.

Answer 3

It is often a conflict for some kids.  They feel an allegiance to their parents (adoptive) but also feel a curiosity or longing for their birth family.  So, unless the atmosphere has been created where they can have and appreciate both without hurting or being "disloyal" to the other, it can create conflict.

It is natural for people to have some interest in where they "came from" on a biological level.  Who wouldn't?  But when that child has parents who love him and who he loves, he can feel "guilty" for being adopted!

It is one of the truly hard issues of adoption -- loss versus loyalty.  And then there is the whole issue of not knowing this "family" who thinks of you as theirs.  The child does not not even know them, but they are family.  That can feel awkward and scary.  

So, never push a child (or adult) in this area.  It must be something they do on their own.  Otherwise, they will pick up the expectations that others have about what they "should" do.  And that is just wrong!  It is fully, truly, their decision to seek information, or relationships, or not.

P.S. "Blood" relative just sounds very archaic, like from a Western movie.  The proper term is birth family.  FYI!

Answer 4

i was not adopted i was in foster care for most of my life with very little contact with my biological parents.  i do talk to my brothers and sisters.  he probably has some feelings of anger and resentment for his parents not wanting him.  even if they did want him but could not keep him it still seems as though they didnt want him---thats why he dont care about them.  they didnt want him...so now he doesnt want them either--it makes it a lil easier to deal with if you have this attitude.  i say i dont care but i do--its a very sensitive issue, i wouldnt pry if i were you.  if he wants to talk to you about it he will in his time.

a persons relationship with their parents and siblings is completely different than relationships with significant others.  you can choose who your mate is,  but  do not get a say in family,  so its completely different.  i dont think one effects the other in any way

Answer 5

For me it does effect me in some ways.  It's always there and not something you can necessarily forget about.  What I have learned in years of researching and reading adoption stories and actually searching for adoptees or birth families for one side of the triad, more female adoptees search than males.  Males seem much more comfortable with being adopted.  My guess is that females are more curious because of our biology and possibly it much harder to understand the process of giving up a child.  This is just my hunch.  

Don't get me wrong, many guys do search but if you looks at the ratio on adoption registries you will see many more girls.

Answer 6

There is a term called "adoption fog". Many adoptees live most of their life in this phase. You have to think what it must be like to lose your mother on the day you were born, or shortly thereafter. The smell, the heartbeat, the tone of her voice: gone. Adoptees react differently to this grief and to the confusion of being placed into the arms of a different adult. Many convince themselves that they don't care, or they're grateful. It's easier than facing the pain that their first family gave them away.

As a result, adoptees as a statistical group are more likely to have difficulties with personal relationships. They find it harder to trust, to become emotionally intimate, and to commit to another person. This does not mean that an individual adoptee isn't able to work through their issues and have a great life, just that it is a known problem among therapists who specialize in adoption issues.

And BTW, biological family is clinical and accurate (and preferred use in the UK), and first family or natural family are considered respectful. Using the term birth family is considered insulting, because it implies the only connection is gestation and birth. And the term real parents?? That applies to both sets!

Answer 7

Na I'm great with being adopted and I've met two of my sisiter once I really don't care to really have any relations with them or the bio-family. I have a family so all Is good and I'm happy without any underneath causes.

Answer 8

I've been adopted. It has had no effect at all on my relationships. I've been in contact...via letters, with my biological family, but only in the last 3 years, and there was only 4 letters between us. They stopped writing, and it has had no lasting effect on me. I can say I was a bit upset that they stopped writing, because they sounded very excited to hear from me, and it was very hard for me to write that first letter, but I'm not worried.

I found out that i had a mother, who passed away an older sister, three older brothers and a younger brother (younger one given up for adoption also).

I wanted to meet them one day, but i'm in no hurry. My mother now is adopted as well, and was forced to meet her biological family, and my uncle now is adopted, and his biological family wanted to meet him, and he said that he was fine, gave them a little bit of knowledge about his life and never spoke to them again. I think it's all personal

Answer 9

i have met my birthfamily, and am glad i did.

as for your question about being in relationships, well, i do find it hard to open up fully. i keep walls up even with people i love and trust.

i had a good life and do not have any hard feelings toward my birthmother she did it all for good reasons. i am comfortable with being adpopted. but the walls are there.

this could be a learned response from past experiences or something much deeper. i really dont know.

many adoptees do not feel the need to find or maintain a relationship with their birthfamilies. its different for everyone. i personally had a need, and it worked in my favor. i wouldnt push him. it is his decision. im afraid he will form walls to keep you at bay if you do

good luck

Answer 10

I'm adopted and while I wonder sometimes about my mother/family, usually I don't.  But I had an easy adoption at a young age to a wonderful family so there aren't a lot of issues.

Answer 11

I believe him.  I am adopted as well as my 3 other siblings, all from different blood parents. I have never felt the need to search for my blood relatives,I love my parents and siblings exactly the same as you do or any blood relatives do. If this is what you grow up with it is no different at all. actually sometimes I think you love them more,  Only 1 reason I would like to see them is just the curiosity of seeing what they look like and their mannerisms etc, not to have a relationship.

Answer 12

i am adopted along with 5 siblings, we have no problems with relationships, it all has to do with your parents adopted or not, we were blessed with 2 incredible parents