Best LONG jokes that are for adults.?

Question

Best LONG jokes that are for adults.?

Answer 1

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ***' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

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Answer 2

I have 2.

A man that just got out of jail broke into this couple's home. He tied the wife the bed and the husband to the chair. He whispered in the wife's ear and left. When he was out of the room the husband whispered, "honey this man looks dangerous. Probably hasn't been with a woman in years, if request s*x, don't fight him, our very lives may depend on it." "Be strong and remember I will always love you". The wife replied, "aw......that's sweet", because he said, "your cute and where's the Vaseline". Remember, "be strong, don't fight him, and I will always love you".

2nd

The devil came across a Chinese man, white man, and black man. He stated that he would touch each man private parts to see if they are worthy of going to h**l. He touches the Chinese man private part and it melts. He went to h**l. He touches the white man private part and it melts. He went to h**l. He touches the black man private parts, and nothing happens. He touched it again and nothing happens. He looks at the black man face, and black man replies, "it melts in your mouth not in your hands."

Answer 3

Me & my friend were on the bus, talking about guys, & her sister butts in the conversation, saying I'm a 1-hit wonder, meaning an easy w***e. I wonder what made her say that. I'm not a w***e, but anyway. My friend turned to her & said, it's better to be a 1-hit wonder, rather than a 1-cent wonder! & everyone was like, "Ooooohhhhh!" & laughing.

Answer 4

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo

safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle

named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies

and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's

lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard

heading rapidly in his direction with the intention

of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep

doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the

ground close by, he immediately settles down

to chew on the bones with his back to the

approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about

to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,

that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if

there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack

in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him

and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",

says the leopard, "That was close! That old

poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile...

2 minutes ago

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off

he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans

and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his

attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

"Where's that d**n monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

1 minute ago

Moral of this story....

Answer 5

One day, there were 2 elderly women sitting out front of their nursing home just shooting the breeze and smoking their cigarettes. Now these women were in their late 70's early 80's. They were having so much fun reminiscing about the old days, they didn't want to stop even though it began to rain. So they're reminiscing and smoking when the rains came. One of the old ladies, not want her cigarette to get wet, pulled out a condom and started to place it over the cigarette. The other old lady, looking confused and in shock, ask her, "What the heck are you doing with that condom?"  The first old lady told her that she didn't want to get her cigarette wet with in the rain and the condom will keep it dry. Second old lady said that it was a VERY good idea and ask where she could get some condoms. The 1st lady told her that you can get them at the drug store.

The next day, the 2nd elderly woman went to the drug store and walked up to the pharmacists' counter. The pharmacist ask how he could help the old lady. She told him that she needed a pack of condoms. The pharmacist began to blush and was a little embarrassed, but kept being professional and asked her what type she wanted. She looked at the pharmacist without missing a beat and said, "Oh, it doesn't matter sonny as long as it fits a camel."