Best advice for relationships from those that are married?

Question

I just got out of a relationship. Sure the love and feelings, attraction and bond was still there, but we fought too much and had too many things to work on that needed to happen outside of a relationship. The more I think about things that would go into a marriage I am always coming back to finances (which was a big issue with him...the lack thereof). What kinds of things for those that have been in love and stayed just because of feelings then ended up getting divorced were the things that you would look for in a future partner, what kinds of things have you learned? And from those that are happily married what are some things that you would say are make or breaks for a happy marriage apart from love? What kind of advice would you give to those that are at a point in life that want to get married and things to make sure are in line before taking that step? I know a marriage takes more than just love.

Answer 1

I don't know about other people and their marriages but I have been with my husband since '93 and before we got married we agreed on certain terms. We have lived by them for all this time and we are very happy and content with our lives.

First, we will never ever fight about money. No matter how much we had or didn't have, we would live with it. We know that money is the root of all evil and we appreciate what we have and who we choose to spend our lives with, money isn't everything. Hand me downs and free stuff is awesome!! ;)

2nd, we would never fight about who is right or wrong, we simply agree to disagree and never make a big deal about it. If it does get heated we will take a break and chill out before we talk about it again. (No matter how angry, we never call each other names) Saying "I'm sorry" when it is needed is respected. We never go to bed angry.

3rd, we would treat each other with respect and understand that we all have our own opinions about different subjects; it makes conversation interesting. :o)

4th, we agree to raise our children together and make all our decisions together when it pertains to them or any big life choices.



We both agree that it takes consideration of others and the ability to let go of things that make marriage work. It isn't always easy and any rough patches will eventually smooth out.

Don't ever expect the person you married to change once you get married, you need to accept them for their flaws and all. Marriage is a huge deal and one that should be taken seriously; know the person you are going to marry and find out if you can live with the flaws along with the good qualities. That is where compromise comes into play. If you can't live with the fact that you will be in constant debt with this person or that they are a slob or that they snore, etc...then you need to back off from the commitment. The vows are there for a reason, everyone should keep them in mind when committing themselves for a lifetime.

I love my husband and we have enjoyed all the years we have had together ,with the ups and downs and the personal heartaches of losing those that we have loved. We look forward to our future and hope that it doesn't go by too fast. We want to savor life and all that comes with it.

Good luck with your future!!

Answer 2

marrage is love. and if u think u need lots of stuff to make u happy u r mistaken. i was married for 7 years with just enough to get by and that was fine the down fall was not spending time together and never talking to each other. now i am re-married it's been almost a year i still have just enough to get by on but my husband now spends as much time with me as he can we talk about everything do lots of things that don't cost us like camping, and fishing. Hope this helps u understand that love and time together r very important.oh and one more thing before i got re-married i was with a guy who gave me everthing money can buy but the saying is true u can't buy love.

Answer 3

You're right, love isn't enough. Honestly, I think the most important thing is that you genuinely like the person and consider them to be your best friend. When you're dating, take a step back and think "if it weren't for the mushy feelings and butterflies this person gives me, would I still want to hang out with this person every day? If I were looking for a roommate, would I be able to live with this person (romantic feelings aside)? Is this the type of person I'd want to be friends with? Do I have a genuine respect for this person?"

It's totally possible (I've seen it literally dozens of times) for someone to have warm, fuzzy feelings about someone and be "in love," but they don't really LIKE or respect the person. Then, when the warm fuzzy feelings go away, there's nothing left.

As far as building a healthy marriage, it's key to always treat each other with respect, ESPECIALLY in public. Never talk badly about your spouse to others, whether in front of him or behind his back. Follow the golden rule - treat your spouse the way you'd like him to treat you.

Answer 4

I believe that people don't take marriage seriously, it is hard!

People divorce rather than fight for their partner and their partnership.

I think there are reasons for divorce, (abuse or infidelity) but, when things get tough, either there is infidelity, abuse or divorce.

What happened to fighting for what you want?  

Answer 5

I was married for 12 years, dated 4 years before that.  I would have to say besides love, communication is extremely important.  You should marry someone who doesn't mind talking things over, not fighting about things.  It is also very important to share the load - i.e. finances, work around the house, etc.  I must say, though, there are no guarantees things will work out - no matter how careful you are.  People change and situations change.  This is life.

Answer 6

Marriage takes maturity and self discipline. Learn to share without feeling cheated. Learn to give without expecting a gift in return. Don't fight, fighting shows the situation is out of control. Set common goals with your spouse like saving money and paying bills. Keep s*x alive and remain faithful. Be able to communicate your feelings back and fourth and know you can discuss anything. Last but not least. Do things together, don't have the girls night out and the guys night out. They lead to no good. You  got married for a reason and going out drinking without each other just says one thing. (you aren't content enough to be with one person, you are out flirting.)

Answer 7

Hard to say. Some people feel strongly about a certain lifestyle. People are different about that. What you have to remember is that (1) there are no guarantees and (2) if you can get guarantees, there's a price to be paid. Nobody really needs everything. Nobody wants to have nothing. You see, the absolutes are kind of a c**p shoot. But remember that, if you get married assuming anything other than the essentials of trust and communication and compromise will always be there, you stand a good chance of being disappointed. Beyond those things, the more prerequisites there are, the more likely one of them will fail. The "better or worse" part doesn't refer to abuse and neglect and faithlessness. It refers to hard times and good times and whether you're able to commit to hang in there through them. If you can't do that, you either can't be married or you can't be married without trading suffering some bad to have the part you think is good.  

Answer 8

I say, pick your battles wisely.

It's not worth getting upset and staying upset over silly things.

Iknow that may seem obvious but many couples get so upset over very small things and stay mad. it shouldn't be that way. Let it go. Forgive and forget and move on. Life is so much happier that way.

Never take eachother for granted.

Answer 9

Good question.  I've been married almost 7 years and we've had huge struggles in the beginning because we didn't take the time before we got married, but now are really happy.  I think the thing that has been the foundation is having similar beliefs, I think if you marry someone that you disagree with faith-wise, there will be major issues later on.  Also a sincere commitment to love each other.  Love isn't just a floaty feeling that you have.  People fall in and out of love all the time.  I choose to love my husband even when I don't "feel" like it.  You can decide that you're going to love your significant other even when s/he gets on your nerves (because everyone annoys each other sometimes).  Love is an action and your feelings follow your actions.

I think couples need to take time to go over who will handle what responsibilities when they are married.  Who will be the one that is going to sit and pay the bills every month, is one of you better than that than the other?  What kind of financial set up are you going to have?  Those are important to talk about beforehand.  

I think the seriousness of marriage needs to be considered, people enter into marriage so easily and consider divorce just a break up and don't realize how much it hurts.  When you marry, it's for life, for better for worse, until death, not just until you don't like the person anymore.

Also be happy with yourself before you are married.  Marriage should be 2 whole people uniting to make 1, not 2 halves clinging to each other.  

Good luck finding the one.  :)  

Answer 10

I have been married for over a year, and I have learned that marriage requires complete honesty, trust, forgiveness, openness, and love.  If you are thinking about getting married, ask yourself if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Can you see yourself growing old with this person?  Will you be able to stick with this person even when times get tough?  There will always be things you don't agree on, but work at getting through it or agreeing to disagree.  Communication is the key to a healthy marriage because without it, you get confused and that's how many unnecessary arguments start.  There is so much more, but these are the main ones.  Good luck!

Answer 11

Every relationship is going to have it's issues. The key is to have one that doesn't go into a marriage with big problems.

1 be like minded on religion, and the issue of children (having them raising them etc.)

2 know each others money situation before the wedding. Know income, debt, and spending habits

3 be sure you look at marriage the same way.  My husband and I would have divorced by now if it were for the fact that we are stubborn about being married. We made more of an effort to work though things because divorced is simply not an option for us.

4 no the deal beakers and stick to them. I would not be with a man who cheated on me (or anyone as an adult), a man with abuse issues of any kind, and a couple of others that are personal to my situation. If one of your major lines is crossed one time, cut him loose and move on

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't be afraid to toss the bad ones back and wait for the right one.  

Answer 12

You can't get away from fights and conflict.  It's how you handle them that makes the difference.  I find that when we argue it's tense at first, but, then if we listen to each other we can understand the other at least a little bit.  Once you've said your piece, try to compromise even if you think you are right.

Answer 13

I've been married for just over 2 years now. My feelings for my husband have intensified. I am a step mom part-time to 2 step kids. That is a problem but I'm happy to say that it is getting better. Finances were a problem too but it's getting resolved. I think the most important for us is our strong bond. Being together is far better than being apart. He likes that I don't nag him. I could but I see our life together as a partnership so we have equal say. I do most of the housework and bill paying. I like to stay busy and I like it done regularly as opposed to letting it build up. I think you have to compromise. We fight but it doesn't last long. We still love each other. We always make up even if we don't agree. I think you do have to pick your battles. It won't and can't be always your way just like it can't and shouldn't always be his way. Again, it's better to be together than apart. I definitely think you should try to find what works best for you. I tend to be laid back and non-combative. I'm nice and easy going. I do sacrifice myself for our relationship. (to some degree) The work that I do does get to me at times. It can be overwhelming. I do ask for help during those times and my husband is very quick to chip in. It's funny he knows that if he doesn't then I'll just do it myself. My husband also pays close attention to me so even though I'm quiet, he doesn't miss anything. That makes me know that he really loves and cares about me. He is far more observant than I am. He's intelligent, smart, and has a great sense of humor. He makes me laugh. I feel like we are 2 peas in a pod. We are similar in ways but different too. I think our differences just mesh well. It's weird how wonderful things work out. Nothing is for certain. I definitely went with my gut on this one. I couldn't get away from him and I'm glad that I didn't fight it like I have in the past.

edit: If you have doubts then you made the right decision. I didn't have doubts. I thought I would be scared to death to get married but I wasn't. If I had doubts then I would have sought to postpone things. You can't go wrong there. Marriage is so serious. You want to be sure. I think you did the right thing.