Best way of getting your mom to deal with our decisions about the baby shower and deliveryroom?

Question

MY Girlfriend and I are having a baby which we both are very happy about. Im a new 4th grade teacher who is trying to handle a class and home life when it seems home is becoming more crazy then my class room these days. But here are my problem(s). The first is the whole baby shower. My Girlfriends mom is trying to be more involved then ever. My GF hates it and often i feel her mom is pushing me aside. but the problem is that her mom wants to throw a baby shower for her and her sister. yes her sister she is 7 weeks a head of my gf and their mom want to throw a joint shower. The both would rather have their own special day which sounds reasonable to me. My mother offers to throw one for my GF because my GF mom only has enough for one shower so she is trying to do both at the same time but Everything would be fine if My GF mom wasn't jealous of my mom. Any ideas how to break the news or advise on how to deal with this jealousy?

My other question is that my GF mom has it in her mind that she is going to be in the delivery room when both my GF and I Don't want that at all. But Once we tell her about the shower then the delivery room she is going to loose it. Has anyone gone through this as well let me know. PLEASE!!!!!!!

Answer 1

Some possible solutions:

(1) Let your gf mom throw the combined shower if she really wants to, and then have your mom throw one for the other friends and your side of the family that want to come to one. IT's not unusual to have 2 showers these days!

(2) Just tell her that you don't want anyone else in the delivery room. Your gf would probably need to tell her mom this, but her mom should understand. It's not like you guys are asking her not to be involved. Perhaps you could tell her that you would like her in the waiting room, or that you will call her first when the baby arrives, so she can be watching in the nursery. (My mom was a godsend to take pictures of my newborn, since I was in recovery from the c-section while my daughter was taken to the nursery). She was helpful in her way, but was NOT in the delivery room when we were pushing, etc. Too much pressure to have her there.

Good luck! Just remember that you get to decide, and it's your kid. When the baby is here, it will patch a lot of the strain on the relationships, because he will be so cute :).  

Answer 2

Put your foot down now and stand firm or she will control you for the rest of your lives.  It will hurt her yes, but she needs to learn to respect your and your gf wishes.  She will eventually come around and be a happy grandma.  

Answer 3

A baby shower is not organized by the mother-to-be, the whole event is like a gift... and you can have more than one.  Let Mother throw a joint shower for her daughters and let that be a family affair with that side of the family.  Let the paternal mother also throw a shower if she wants to, and have that side of the family attend that shower.  Perfectly acceptable to have 2 showers.  They are gifts.

Delivery room: When you go into labor, follow your own set of plans and just don't call anyone until it is too late for them to arrive prior to the birth.  Or call Mother AFTER the baby is born.  Hey Mom, You're a Grandmother!!

I don't blame you, I am not close to my parents and would absolutely NOT want them in the delivery room with me.

Answer 4

I think it's fine if your mother throws a shower for your girlfriend.  Tell your gf to split up the guest list so most of the people aren't invited to both.  Many people I know have multiple showers and that's a common thing.  You guys will need LOTS of stuff.  Make sure her mom gets an invite to the shower your mother throws to let her know that she's important to you guys.

I'm a girl and one night my mother in law said something about being in the delivery room when my husband and I had babies.  I couldn't sleep that night, because trust me, she wasn't even on the top ten list of people I'd want in the room.  The next morning talked to her and told her that I wasn't comfortable with that.  I also said that no one would be in the delivery room except me and my husband (so she wouldn't feel jealous that I was picking my family over hers...which happened alot during the wedding planning).  I said that it was something that my husband and I wanted to share together and have some alone time with the new baby before we had guests.  Amazingly...she was ok with that.  

I definitely hope for the best for you...sometimes parents have a hard time realizing that their kids are grown up and don't need their help with every aspect of their lives.  She also needs to realize that your child is something special that you and your girlfriend will cherish for a lifetime and her opinion matters very littlle...after all it's not her baby.  It's yours and your gf's.

Answer 5

I've been there. Your gf needs to be very honest with her mom. that's the only why nobody has false expectations (being in the delivery room) but also remember that if you leave her out of too much it can really hurt her feelings. you should try to treat both grandmothers equal. as far as the jealousy you may not be able to avoid it but you might be able to avoid drama in the delivery room by letting her know now. it sucks but there is a point in every ones life when they have to stand up and let a parent know that its their life and their decision. good luck.  

Answer 6

I completely understand about the mother thing.  I would hate to have my MIL there in the delivery room. I am 16 weeks and this has yet to come up.  However she did try to but in and come to my ultrasound. There are many reasons why, but I can sympathize with your GF.  When she tried to come, I told her that I like to go to medical appointments on my own, and there is only room for 1 person and that will be my husband.  For the delivery room, I would tell her, the truth, but be nice.  Say it is already going to be stressful, and we are going to have only mom/dad/doc/nurse in the room.  Something like that

As for the baby shower.  Maybe suggest to your mom that they cohost it, and have your mom foot the bill.  Have her do something small.  Or have the two sisters talk to their mom openly about the shower, and why they want to feel special.

Answer 7

Woah I feel sorry for you man.  All I have to say is if my mom was being that bossy, I'd tell her to back off or she would never be in the babies life.

As for being in the delivery room at the birth, HA that would be the day.  I would NEVER let that happen.

Answer 8

This is the time when you as a couple need to put your foot down and stand united as a couple.  Otherwise her mother is going want to butt in on every decision you make for your child from the time s/he is born unto infinity.  The buck has to stop here.

The two of you should discuss how you want it, make a decision and stand by it.  Then, inform her mother.  Do not ask her, do not placate her.  Inform her in no uncertain terms, firmly (but not rudely) that this is the way it will be.  It is then up to her to decide how to handle her reaction.  If she chooses to be childish and be angry, pouty or throw a tantrum DO NOT give in to this emotional blackmail.

You cannot control her or her actions.  You can only control what you do.  Do not allow her to start calling the shots on your lives or your baby's life now or it will NEVER end.  

Good luck!

Answer 9

Yup.  Let a friend give you a shower, or just register for gifts and hope that some people send you gifts.  Or, just choose what you want to happen and let everyone else deal with it.  GF's mom may still be able to help with the shower without spending any money.

Don't tell anyone when your girlfriend goes into labor.  Start now--don't answer the phone every time, and don't return calls for a day or two.  That way, when your GF goes into labor and you don't answer or return the call, no one will think anything is strange.  It helped me a lot to lie about my due date, but it's probably too late for you.

Answer 10

1. Your GF can have whoever she wants through the shower and it is no ones business who does it.

2. Just tell everyone that it is a family thing and you guys want the time to be alone and together, if she insists have the nurse tell her only 1 person can be in the room and make her leave they will do that and not have any problem with it.

Good luck with your baby!!!

Answer 11

Just say "no" to your GF's mom. She had a child a couple decades or more ago, that was here time. Now, right now, is your time, so tell her to back off.

Answer 12

All I can say is its your baby and your guys choice. I would not want a combined baby shower either. Can't blame her. As for delivery room its the mothers choice who's in there. If her mother is being that pushy just tell her how it is. Chances are she doesnt realize what you guys are thinking. Just tell her in a nice way. Good luck and don't be pushed into anything you dont want.

Answer 13

Can't help you with the shower but here is a suggestion. Friends of ours just had three showers. Her mom threw one for just family.  Her coworkers threw one at work and His parents threw one for his family and all their friends.  So maybe you can have the joint one  and still have your moms or your mom and plan one with her mom for you.

As for the delivery room just be straight forward.  We went throught this with my mother inlaw.  We said we just want it to be us. She was pissed. We did not tell her when we went to the hospital and just called when it was done so that way there is no akward no don't come  even though we had told her already

Answer 14

I would think it should be fairly easy for YOUR GF to say hey mom, sis and I don't want a joint shower so I would like for you to do sis's shower and be involved perhaps with your mom throwing the shower for GF. ( If she has issues with your mom she will probably opt to just show up)

Then since you have an entire pregnancy to talk about the delivery room. I'd wait a while then tell her that the two of you would like to share this moment together and should anything change during labor she will be the first person you call.

My xhusband didn't want anyone there but us. I respected his wishes but it did later bite me the butt. It hurt my mom to be told she couldn't be there for the birth.Depends on how close the family is I think. My family does things in groups, his was fine getting phone calls about it.

You do realize you don't have to call her when you go to the hospital til it's over right?  

Answer 15

Her mom is probably excited and wants to be part of the action, but you should have your girlfriend tell her that while she appreciates how much her mom wants to help, it's her (and your) happy moment so she wants the opportunity to make it with her own ideas.  Then you can both decide on some area that her mother can do for you, like making the invitations or party favors.

If this doesn't work, your girlfriend can always try, "I'm carrying this baby around and giving birth to him/her, so I would like to do the fun stuff, too."

In a last-ditch desperate situation, "You can make the party when you're the one that has to go through the labor."

Answer 16

You just have to take control. This is your baby, not your girlfriend's mom's baby. As parents, you guys get to make the decisions, not her. You might have to remind her of this. But be gentle. She's excited because it IS her grandchild.

There's no reason why she can't have the joint shower with her sister and then have your mom throw her one too, for your side of the family. Maybe that would be a good compromise?

Answer 17

Sounds like you need to sit her down and explain WHY you don't want her to do these things for you.  I mean, think about it, I can't understand why she wouldn't want her mom in the delivery room with her, that is one of the most comforting people I would think.  As for the shower and her jelousy, explain to her that it isn't fair to make both girls suffer because of her.  Invite her to your gf shower, but make sure she knows she is there as a guest, not a host.  And tell her to freakin relax and enjoy the shower.  Also, might not be a bad idea to have the sister help explain the shower thing.  

Answer 18

Consider having a welcoming shower for your baby. This is just like a baby shower only its after the baby is born. This way everyone knows what you have and you can send out a list of what you need, plus everyone gets to see the baby at one time instead of people filing in and out of your house for weeks. This could be an easy way to let you GF's mom down without making her mad.

As far as her being in the delivery room, let your doctor know about your situation and then she can tell anyone there that no one will be allowed in besides the doctor, nurses and you. I'm sure they can come up with some excuse as to why no one else will be allowed in the room.  

Answer 19

Yikes!  I don't have any good advice, but I hope everything works out ok.

Answer 20

About the shower, I would just tell her that you're mom wants to throw a baby shower.  I know it's easier said than done, but it's gotta get done.  She might throw a fit or she might take it better than you two think.  If she throws a fit then you can just tell her  that your mom wants to have a chance to throw a baby shower, and since she'd got gf's sister who is also preg then your mom can throw one for gf.  

The delivery room is tricky.  I felt the same way as you.  I didn't want anyone in there.  I just told them and that was it.  I thought they would go crazy but surprisingly both moms were ok with it and agreed to wait in the waiting room.  If you aren't so lucky then you can always count on the hospital staff to support your decision and keep everyone out.  

Good luck.  

Answer 21

Just tell her. And tell her now. If you don't do something she will continously bud in. Even trying to raise your child. In-laws are responsible for ending majority of relationships. So, your girlfriend has to be 100% with you with this. Telling her calmly is the only way. If she starts yelling, remain calm. No matter what she says, she has no say. This is your child.  

Answer 22

her mom maybe can't afford to throw 2 showers, but it may be important to her to treat both daughters the same and she really wants both to get a shower from her.....i would definately let her throw the shower with her other daughter and invite that side of the family to that shower and a couple friends....then let your mom throw one for your side of the family and a few friends (not to many more than u had at the other)......for the delivery room...i didn't know what i wanted, i had an epidural, so i let my mom and MIL stay in the room with me and hub until it was time to push; then i just nicely told them that my hub and i had decided we wanted it to be just us when the birth happened; both were fine with it and waited in the waiting room...i wouldn' t really tell everyone about who is going to be in delivery, bc i really thought before hand that i would want both in there, and changed my mind at the last minute.....it just sounds like an excited over anxious grandma, she will probably chill out--just always be as nice as possible--you may need a babysitter (j/k *wink*)

Answer 23

Your both about to be parents its time to stand up to your mom. Just tell her what you guys have planned on, she will just have to understand.