Best way to deal with everyone trying to tell us how to do OUR wedding?

Question

Hi all!

Both my mother and my fiance's mother are going into overdrive trying to "help" us with wedding planning, and it's driving us both nuts.

Both our mothers are very controlling and both want to have significant input into our wedding - it is because of this that we have decided that we would like to organise our own wedding, and have let the mothers know if we need help we will ASK them for it (in the most loving way possible).

I can deal with my own mother alright, but it is very different dealing with H2B's mother. She is VERY bossy, very traditional, and because I don't know her well I feel very uncomfortable telling her "no".She also doesn't like people saying no to her.

H2B is no help, he doesn't want to cause waves so keeps out of it. It's causing me quite a bit of stress, as I don't like causing confrontations and I like everyone to be happy, but our wedding is 10mths away and ALREADY I feel as though I am losing control over it.

Any tips? x

Answer 1

You really need to stand your ground, especially with mother-in-law, very early because the longer you leave it the harder it will be to break the pattern of her controlling you.

You and your fiance should sit the both of them down and tell them that while you appreciate they're trying to help, that you WANT to do this your way.

I know in my mother's case she didn't get a say in her wedding, her mother did all the planning, and this may have been the case with them.

Perhaps before you sit them down, give them a specific list of jobs for them to do. Give them some free reign over things, but within guidlines of what you want.

If this doesn't work you might have to be more firm.

Good luck!

EDIT

Oh god, just read your additional info! My ex's parents did that to me once, but not in front of a huge audience thank god, but I was still mortified and didn't particularly want to discuss my method of contraception I was using with their son. I especially didn't feel it was something that was appropriate to discuss in front of the father!

These types of women are REALLY hard to come up against. They are used to having everything their way and doing whatever they want and what THEY feel is appropriate.

Really, you're going to have to politely stand your ground pretty early on because otherwise they'll think they can steamroll over you too, which you don't want your whole marriage, especially when it comes to the time when you are making decisions about your childrens' upbringing.

This might make things hard with her for a while now, but it's much better to get it over with now than put up with it for years during your marriage.

Answer 2

OK listen up you are going to have to grow a spine or something because the nice way is not going to work with this woman.  You are going to have to confront her to some degree right here and now or you will have this problem for the rest of your life with her interfering in every aspect of your marriage and it will get much worse when the children come.

You cannot be so civilized  you need to use her own tactics and not care so much how others feel.  When she starts with her planning, you can listen and then say "those are nice idea but we are going to do XY&Z.  You can tell her what you told us  and say that while you appreciate her suggestions you are going to go with -----  Then do not argue or anything simply end the conversation or stick to your guns and let her know that you are going to do things your way.  You are going to have to get comfortable with telling her no and standing up to the consequences or you will be under her thumb for the rest of your life.  

Yes your H2B should be talking to her insead of hiding out but this shows you how he plans to deal with the problem so it is up to you and it shouod be you because you need to stand for your self and not behind him.  The woman is a bulldozer so you will have to learn to become that stone that will not budge

Answer 3

if i were you i think my jaw would have dropped & i would have thought..."is this lady for real?!?!"

anyway back to your question. my "mothers" did the same thing. plus they told me who needed to be in my wedding and i needed to pay to accomidate those who would be out of town & in my wedding!!! my answer was to literally run away. we are now going to jamaica because the stress was to much. BUT the best advice given to me was... dont talk about your wedding. just plan it the way you want w/o telling, consulting, venting, or mentioning your wedding when talking to those ladies! if they ask, just say "its coming along" until its done. lol.

Answer 4

Elope.

Answer 5

That sounds EXACTLY like my future MIL.

I've just found that I tell her, "I appreciate the idea, I'll think it over."

And then I do my own thing. I'm getting married in April of 09 and I refuse to let either of our mothers take control over a day that will be the most important to my fiance and I thus far!

Answer 6

My first thought was: "I don't know...I have the same problem sometimes (just with my parents)!"  I'm wondering if it might work to only take phone calls from your mother-in-law about the wedding on a limited basis that you set up (in your head - don't tell her) ahead of time.  For example, you might decide to talk with her every Sunday, for fifteen minutes, about the wedding, and then politely let her know that you have to go because you're about to have lunch with [your fiance's name].  That's such a short time that you might be able to say "mmhmmm sounds like a good idea, I'll have to think about it," all in a lovely voice, to each of her ideas...you then go ahead and do it your way!  The one thing that you might need to set your foot down on is her paying for anything for the wedding, because if you do, you'd probably have to recognize that anything she pays for is going to be done 100% her way.  If there are any elements that you wouldn't mind being done that way, it's fine.  But you might want to keep in mind that she'll probably have no regard at all for your own feelings of how you want to do it.

For your own mom, the same rules apply, but you could also consider increasing the time you talk to her - like twice a week - if you think that would be tolerable.  After those fifteen minutes (literally watch your clock), either get off the phone or switch the subject, and if she switches it back to wedding stuff then tell her you're off to lunch with future hubby!

By the way, if future MIL gets really nasty with you and actually says something to you that is disrespectful (like name-calling - I don't mean her annoying criticisms of the wedding stuff) then your husband NEEDS to talk to her about it and stand up for what he will and will not tolerate.  If he were not willing to do this then you would probably need pre-marital counseling.  However, I'll hope that FMIL will not get that nasty!

Best of luck - I hope this helps!

Answer 7

My response is, "Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely take that into consideration."

Like a broken record.

Then I do what I want.

Answer 8

Let all of them know if they are not paying for it they DO NOT HAVE A SAY SO

Answer 9

Hmmm, you'll politely have to tell your future MIL that the wedding planning goes to the bride and her mother (or parents, as they are the ones to pay for it).  You appreciate her input, and if you have any questions, you'll ask her, but tell her nicely that you have everything under control.  The only thing you need from your fiance is a guest list from his side.  And the only thing you need to tell your future MIL is what color dress your mother is going to wear so that she won't get the same color.  That's how weddings are planned.  

Learn now to be respectful towards her but don't allow her to run your life.  If she says anything or suggests anything, just say thank you, so noted.  And if she asks why you didn't go it her way, just say that you really liked this one the best, it's so you!  It's OK to agree to disagree.  She'll soon learn that she won't be able to control you.  She'll keep trying, but just be polite, always respect her, but just do what you want to do.  

Best wishes on your wedding!

Answer 10

I'm sorry, but you should not be having to "deal" with this - this is your H2B's job.  You are going to be his wife, so he needs to learn to stand up to her and present a united front if he sees that she is causing you stress.  

How is he going to handle future conflicts between the two of you?  What about when you guys have kids and his mom has her opinions about how the kids should be raised?  Is he going to be worrying about "causing waves" then as well?  

He doesn't always have to agree with you, but he needs to learn to take a stand one way or the other and be able to talk with both of you.

This isn't a conversation you need to have with your future mother-in-law, this is one you need to have with your H2B.

Also, you're only allowed to tell the mothers to butt out if they're not paying for anything in the wedding.  If they are, they're entitled to an opinion.