Between my husband and i...whos right???

Question

we ahve ben having problems with his 9 year old.she crys and gets her way with her dad.....today was suppost to be her mothers night so we were dropping her off and she cryed cuz she didnt wanna go home....so now i say she needs to go to her moms cuz its her night.......my husband says his daughter says she hates me...should i still want her to go to her moms or go with us i ahve to buy my daughter clothing.....or should i leave him and her at home and take my daughter and just got with her ..scne his daughter threw a fit???

Answer 1

Sorry, i started to read this then got disgusted again by the amount of women, who continuously act like they were born this morning at 8am.

    The studies, facts and warnings have been in your face for 40yrs about step kids. You should have taken interest before the ring blinded you.

     Fact...If you were "not" in this brats life by the age of 3yrs or under, then she will never accept you as a parental figure, she will see you as an obstical of interference and the battle of "who gets what they want" has already started.  Her father was "hers" before yours and she will get what she wants, no question about it, because she already has him in her control and it will only get worse.

    You have now given the brat, total powers of manipulation, to ruin a lot of your daughters special times and events, to make the decisions and run the family and generally make all miserable, through manipulation of your husband.

    By the way, that excuse"she hates you", that gets her everything she wants and is the most  used saying of all kids except if handled properly she should have been over it by 6 or 7yrs, if she had of been raised properly, my kids used to say the same thing when i wouldn't let them have what they wanted and i was a biological mother!! What does it matter now, she got what she wanted didn't she ?? Now she will use it every time, with the same results.

    Men are good at raising dogs, not kids, they happen to think kids raise themselves, their complete knowledge concerns feeding, clothing and give/do anything to shut them up !!

    The majority have totally no concept of the importance of schedules/routines, boundries, discipline, manners, age appropriate behaviors or acceptable behavior, accountability, respect, manipulation and control, etc., especially of little girls.

     Do you know that step kids are the number one reason for discord and divorce in 2nd marriages. It would take as long to correct the situation as it took to get to this point and twice as much work, it's really too much work for dad, like i say men are happier being clueless.

    Look, the kids a princess, compared to what she'll be as a teen, she is going to make yours/daughters life a living h**l. So you might as well give in now and enjoy the few yrs you have left of this relationship.

    Take your daughter shopping and pray the brat doesn't want to go or she will, get used to that or arguing.

    Mark my words, they shall come to pass.

Answer 2

Let me restate what I'm reading or think I'm reading.  I appears that your husband has custody of his daughter and that the mother has visitation, perhaps one night a week.  You have a daughter too.   You don't state the age of your daughter.  His daughter on the night she was to go for visitation with her mother, does not want to go and wants to stay with her dad and you.  You want her to go to her Mom and the girl thus thinks you hate her.  You sort of want her to go as you had plans to take your own daughter out shopping for clothes.  Do I have it right?

First, you might want to figure out why the daughter does not want to go to her Mom's.  Is there a problem there?  Does the mom have a boyfriend or husband?  Might she be mistreated or abused there?  Don't just say she has to go, but first find out why she doesn't want to go.  It could be that she wanted to go shopping with you and your daughter as well.  That is reasonable, especially if they are close in age.  If your daughter is a teenager, you might have wanted to go with her alone and left the 9 year old with her dad as he is not likely to want to go shopping anyway.  So maybe she is jealous of your daughter and what she sees as all the fun things you are doing with her.

If the girls are the same age or nearly so, then if you found that she wanted to go shopping with you, you could have determined another night to take the girls shopping.  However, I see two issues you need to look into.  First is why she didn't want to go  to Mom and if she always doesn't want to go.  If that is the case, if it is court ordered, then you need to deal with courts and sometimes it is difficult as judges put kids in abusive sitautions at times.  Ask the daughter what is going on.  Next, is it possible  you might not treat her the same as your own daughter and she is jealous?  Can be jealous even if you do treat the girls the same so be aware of that. If she likes you a lot, she can be jealous.

Don't be overly concerned about a kid saying, "I hate you."  My daughter said it to me. I said it to my mom, but so low she didn't hear me.  I told my daughter, "I know  you think you hate me right now, but I love you anyway.  You can go to your room and come down when you are ready to talk about this."  She cam down crying and saying she was sorry and said she was sorry and didn't mean it when she said she hated me.  I told her I knew that and that I had said something like that to my mom too but she didn't hear me. I heard her because my hearing is very good.  She seemed relieved to know that I had said the same and that I knew she didn't mean it.  Kids get emotional when they don't get their way at times and say things they don't mean.

The very fact that she wanted to stay with you and her father is an indication that she doesn't hate you.  So don't worry about that and tell your husband about what I'm saying, too and that if she hated you, she would have wanted to go to her mom.  She didn't want to go and was mad at you because you wanted her to go. Now  you had other plans and sort of wanted her out so that hurts too and you need to show her more attention and affection so she knows you do care about her.   But you and your husband need to get to the bottom of why she didn't want to go to her mom.  

Now it is possible that I got it wrong and she lives with her mom and the husband has visitation, and that would be more normal, but then it doesn't seem that it would be her Mom's night, but rather than she had to go home, yet you did say she didn't want to go home, but also it was her mom's night so that is confusing.  If you husband just has visitation, it could be that she was having a good time and didn't want to go or that she wanted to go with  you and your daughter or was  hurt becasue she was excluded.

Don't get all wound up because she said she hated you.  She will be in and out of that until she is about 15 or 16.  Might be like a daisy, now she loves me, now she doesn't thing.  It is wound up in getting her way and growing up and being a bit emotional.  Just let it pass and tell her that you love her anyway, but -- and then enforce the reasonable rules  you have.  Kids want parents to be parents, though they would never admit it.  But do be careful about not showing favoritism, either you for your daughter or your husband for his daughter.

Sometimes kids think they can do some things that will cause their parents to get back together again, too.  So don't mess up  your relationship over this.  Just be fair and be consistent and if you discipline or restrict, then show more love afterwards so she knows you care.  I've even told my kids that I don't like  a certain action but I love them.  Kids do try to manipulate.  Don't buy into it.  Neither of you need to be overly concerned because she said she hated you.  But do find out what is behind her not wanting to go to Mom's.  That could be important.  Good luck.  All kids are tough at times.

Answer 3

She is just used to getting her way. Put your foot down and stop letting that girl get her way. She needs to get over the fact you are now in her life.

Answer 4

Stay out of it.  She's not your daughter.  She's your husband's daughter and his ex-wife's.  His daughter says she hates you because you're trying to be her mother and to influence the way her father raises her--that's not your place to do so.  Stay out of it and everythign will be fine.  What his daughter does or doesn't do is NOT up to you and you need to just be on the sidelines.

Answer 5

You should let daddy take care of her. No matter what you do, you are the step mom and the step mom is always the bad person (not really, but in their heads it is). Talk to you husband about putting his foot down with her. For now, just take care of your own daughter. She is still very young and doesnt understand.  

Answer 6

She wants to be with you, no different when you were a teen and couldn't be with someone that you wanted to be with. You do have the right to do the things with your daughter though. She can stay home with dad or the whole family can go. I would seriously question why she is crying though, there may be a issue at "moms" house.

Answer 7

Marriage is hard enough but when you mix in ex spouses and step children, it can be even more difficult.  All the ingredients are there for a potentially miserable situation.  The key is knowing that going into the marriage and making a pact to actively work on things all the time.  You knew he had a daughter prior to marrying him...so now, the key is going to be for you to figure out how to bond with this little girl.  Divorce is very hard on kids and they tend to act out.  This may be her problem or she could just be going through a stage.  Perhaps she senses that you obviously love your daughter far more than you care about her or her needs.  When kids sense this, they usually act out towards you as a defense mechanism....it's the old "I'll hurt her first before she can hurt me."  Believe me, she would probably welcome the idea of growing closer to you but if she senses that you don't really like her then she'll withdraw.  

The 2 of you (your husband & you) need to sit down & have a serious talk.  You guys NEED to get on the same page in terms of how to discipline her, how important it is to have a united front, and how to have her in your lives but still having proper boundaries so you can have a good marriage as well.  Right now, he's not respecting your advice or opinions as a mother.  Even though you're a step-mom, you still live in the house and have to deal with this little girl.  He should make an effort to let her know that what you say, goes!  When kids know they can manipulate a situation, they will.  Often parents overcompensate with kids because they feel guilty for putting them through a divorce.  This is the WORST thing you can do because kids are born manipulators.  They'll manipulate your guilt, your love, and try in every way possible to come between you - the old divide & conquer.  So, it's EXTREMELY important that you guys show a united front so she knows she can't come between you.  What he says goes & what you say goes....period.  

As for shopping - I'd go ahead & take my daughter shopping & invite the step daughter along.  It would be a perfect time to bond with her.

Be careful that you don't jump to conclusions in this situation.  Just because she doesn't want to go over there doesn't mean she's just being a brat.  My best friend grew up being molested by her grandfather & her parents never suspected a thing.  Every time they'd tell her she was going to her grandparents to visit for 2 weeks in the summer, she'd pitch a fit & try to say in every way possible that she didn't want to go.  They probably dismissed it (like you) as her just being a brat or something when, in reality, there was a real REASON why she didn't want to be there.  Don't get so caught up in drama that you miss out on subtle signs of something else.  I'm not saying that's the case here at all but I'm just saying, don't be quick to jump to conclusions.  

Answer 8

Stop acting like a baby.  I can see who the child is now that is you.

Answer 9

Boy are you guys being played by a spoiled little girl.  Let daddy handle her, I am sure you probably did everything you can for her.  Take care of your own kid.  Go to counseling as a family or face a future divorce over the little angel.  GL

Answer 10

sounds like you and her are fighting for daddys love.....why dont you take both girls out shopping and leave daddy out of it. Then you can talk and figure out why she 1 doesnt want to go to her moms and 2 why she thinks you hate her. Or do you resent her to much to be a good mom? she will always be daddys little girl you are just a wife.

Answer 11

I think you should let her father make those decisions for her.  If she wants to stay where is the harm?