Bi-Racial Adoption / Racist Grandpa -- No bashing please -- I really need helpful ideas! Thanks!?

Question

Posting this for a friend... please help!

I'm a teacher and there is a foster child, K, at our school with whom I've made a real connection. K is a mixed-race male. I've always known I wanted to adopt, & adopting from other races isn't an issue with me or DH. However, my dad will probably have a big problem with it.

I love my dad. He has faults, but who among us doesn't? His major fault, IMHO, is his racist views of African-Americans. I am torn between honoring my parents and taking care of an orphan. My parents are Christian, which is where I got my views, but my dad was shot at during the race riots & went through many other things that instilled this wrongness into his psyche. I'm not excusing his views, just explaining. Now ith K entering the picture, I need to talk to my father about the reality of this adoption.

I'd love to hear advice, stories of your similar experiences, how you dealt with them, and how they are going. Please don't bash my dad! I know he's wrong.

Answer 1

I can relate with you & your dad ... I think the best thing for you to do is to open heart and go with what's right ... talk to your parents and tell them your plan and how you would like them to be apart of this childs life.  I think your dad will come around.

My mom is this way ... she was brought up like that and tried to instill it in me ... thankfully I was spared the racial hatred but I was still damaged by it.  

If God is leading you in this path than I say go for it and be the good christian they raised you to be.

Answer 2

well first if they call himself christian , he shouldnt be overreacting over an african american(arent we all equal?) Just explain to ur dad that its not right. My friend had this problem(well my friend's mom). Her dad was really racist and  she just said: dad i love you and we all make mistakes but this my kid that im going to adopt, not urs. So if i want to adopt an african american im going to abopt him. Im going to take care about him and its my choice. You could be racist all you want but its not gong to change my mind. This poor kid needs a family and im going to provide him one whether you like it or not.

Answer 3

Adopt K and tell your father how important it is to you, how much you love him, and how much your father's support would mean to you. i am white, but have a husband from a different race (asian) and we've adopted a mixed race baby. i was surprise how accepting my own father was of both these decisions - something i never expected.

even if your dad doesn't surprise you, don't deny yourself the chance to build a loving family of your own. I have a friend who couldn't have children and didn't adopt because her mother "could never love an adopted granddaughter". i think my friend gave up some of her own happiness in allowing her mother to make this decision for her.

Answer 4

I don't have experience with adoption, but my Uncle married my Aunt who is half black/half Mayan.  His father was a bigot and not a nice person and was generally quietly rude to my Aunt when she was around.  They lived 1,500 miles apart so problems were minimal (he only returned to our state twice), but it wasn't fun to be my cousins knowing that your own grandfather detested you because of your skin color.   He wasn't actively hateful, but I just thought you should know one part of the fence.  I adore my Aunt.

Answer 5

I would say, Dad, he is simply a child who needs a loving home. Since you brought me up so well with good values, I was hoping to adopt this child and teach him the same things. It shouldnt matter what his skin color is, he is not responsible for the bad things that happened to you. What he needs is a loving family who will care for him and teach him wrong from right. Do you think it would be possible for us to be the family he needs. I believe you have a lot to offer this child.

Try something like that. I am not bashing your father, but he should realize not all African-Americans are all bad.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

Answer 6

No -- do not bring a Mixed-Race child

into a 'racist' adoptive-family situation.

We Mixed-Race people are not 'toys'

or 'decorative items' that a person can

simply pick up and take home just because

someone find us to be 'cute' and 'adorable'.

We are human beings who need the same love

and support from their 'entire' family as would

any other child (especially an adopted child).

Unless your dad drops his racist attitudes or unless

you are willing to not have him around the child -- the

situation will only serve to harm this child emotionally.

Do not leave this child 'emotionally scarred' by bringing

him into a racist situation which could leave him with a

negative feeling against both a race and a religious faith.

Allow this child to be adopted by a family that has the

ability to provide him with an environment that is 'fully'

loving and supportive of him and his ancestral lineages.

.

Answer 7

My parents always instilled in each of the children that we are all individuals.  After they are gone, we will still have to live our lives.  I say that to say this is your life, not your fathers.  If he chooses not to participate, that's what he chooses.  However, I knew a friend whose dad was fairly racist.  I didn't visit her house much, but heard from her that he was.  Anyway, she ended up with a black guy and the father was adamantly against it.  Well, today, you can't separate her father and that baby girl.  She is now the princess anytime she is there.  So . . . people change and children are an easy way for them to open their eyes and change.  Good luck with your decision, but realize that this your decision, not your fathers.

Answer 8

I have not been in this position but wanted to respond to you anyhow.

I think your adopting this child is a wonderful idea.  I think it will actually help your father.  It is near impossible to not love a child that you have consistent contact with and I think your father will fall in love with this child :).  I think this child may soften your fathers heart and bring a wonderful, refreshing breeze to your family.

When it comes time to talk to your father about the pending adoption tell him straight out.  Tell him you don't want his opinion on race you are just informing him of the facts (you are adopting a child of multiple races, the end).  Tell your dad that you love this child and that if he cares about you as his daughter he will accept this and respect it.  

I hope the best for you.

Answer 9

Please do not let your parents view of life influence your family decisions.  My best friend is in a relationship with a bi-racial man and she was terrified to tell her parents b/c they were racist.  Here was the advice I gave to her and I think it applies to your situation too:

If you truly love someone, your family will have to accept them.  

With kids, you may find that your dad is a little standoffish for  a while, but will soon find that he loves that child just as much as you do.

I would talk to your entire family about the possibility of the adoption and ask them all to be very supportive and loving to the new member of your family.

These things have a way of working themselves out.  Whats most important is that you do what is in your heart.  Your father will come around in due time.

Answer 10

Oh my dear! You may have a difficult time with your Dad on this one! But I will say Grandparents are less Racist about their own GrandKids and he just will have to curb his comments. As for your soon to be adopted son- it will only hurt Grandad's relationship with him if he makes these types of comments. Hopefully this will broaden your Dad's horizons.... I know oour children helped my Archy Bunker Dad to look at people differently. Although.... I will say we have had some battles but he watches what he says and couldn't love his GrandKids more.

Answer 11

My suggestion would be try talking to your father and see what he says.  When children are involved, soon-to-be grandparents seem to "melt".  :)  

The reality is that my father fought in the Viet Nam War and has a huge dislike of anyone who is Vietnamese.  However, he also loves me and knew how desperately we wanted a child.  If I had told him we were adopting a Vietnamese child, I truly believe he would have been overwhelmed with joy regardless.  

Our son has a life-threatening disorder, and my parents did show concern for that - but moreso towards whether or not we could handle it.  Truth is my son has become my parents pride & joy!  They don't even think about his medical condition anymore.  

I truly believe children of all races can melt a grandparent's heart!  :)  Good luck to you (and your friend).

Answer 12

Wow! I hope your friend's dad comes around.

I guess my advice would be for your friend is to, first and foremost, pray. After she has totally given it to God, then she needs to have a sit down with her dad. Maybe she should start by reminding him of a time when they had a hard conversation and he really helped her out with an issue. That may put him in the right frame of mind. Then she should gently and kindly state the issue and tell him that she is looking for a completely honest answer. She doesn't want him to hide anything at this point. After he's expressed his concerns, according to how the conversation goes, then would be a good time to ask if Dad would be willing to meet the child and give it a chance.

I totally agree with the last user that several meetings in a neutral place would be a good way to really gauge how Pops will adjust to the situation.

Even though it may be tempting to say that it doesn't matter what her dad thinks, it will affect everyone's lives in the entire family. Pray and don't let a spirit of rebellion make the decision. Good luck!

Answer 13

I myself am adopted and bi-racial(WB), one of the reason my adoption agency let my family (white) adopted me was because they all were accepting and didn’t care that I was bi-racial, including extended family.   Though your heart is in the right place I wouldn’t advise someone who has close family who are racist to adopt someone of another race or mixed race. Unless you plan on ceasing contact with your father or he comes around. Grant it many times children do let adults see the light, there are many inter racial couples where their families may be against it but once children come into the picture everything changes.

Sometime its difficult enough being mixed race to add on that a close family member like grandfather who is racist against one of the races that makes you.  I would go and talk to your father tell him that you want to adopt a mixed race child and you wish that he would try to deal and get past his hatred. I suppose having your father visit with the boy at a park or something. But if your father cant change his tune, your going to have to make a choice.

Answer 14

i think u should not worry about what ur father thinks now im only 11 but if i was in his shoes i would want to think that race isnt a problem if ur dad dosent like it keep him away form ur adopted son!

by the way is he cute or my age?

Answer 15

First and foremost, you must consider the best interest of the child.  If this is an issue which can be resolved, or has a good chance of it, then ok.  But otherwise, how fair is it to bring a child into an environment where his own family does not accept him?

Talk to your father, and explain how you feel about this little boy.  Explain how you understand and appreciated his feelings, although you don't agree with him.  Tell him that some of the openness you have was learned from him.  Ask if he feels able to put his pre-conceived ideas aside for you?  For your son?

Also consider a visit, in the park, something causal, with your Dad and your son-to-be.  Maybe a few visits.  See how it goes.  After the third visit, you will know.  

There are, also, some "Race Relations" meetings and workshops in most major cities, which can change people's lives.  They are amazing!  

Then -- weigh this against the situation the little boy is in.  Which is better in the long run?  And you need to ask -- are there other families who would be able to adopt this child in your community who may have more openness than yours?  Ask the social workers to be honest about his situation.

Then, again, think of this child's best interest first.  And then don't forget, it will be up to the social worker conducting your homestudy, and the agency, to make a determination that your particular family, grandpa included, is appropriate for this little boy, or not.

Answer 16

once your dad meets the child he too will fall in love with him and race wont matter

Answer 17

You'll be this child's mom period.  Now if he cant deal with it then just call on the phone, but he must realize that you dont have these racist views & needs to hold his tongue if he wants to visit you & if you come to visit him the baby will be with you.   if he tries to be racist.  leave that's a message to him that racism wont be tolerated by you in any means & he needs to be that good christian he once was.

Answer 18

i am African American and 4 years ago adopted my daughter from Honduras. she is much lighter than i am and my parents were very unsure about it, but i listened to my heart and adopted her. now she is a beautiful little girl that brings happiness to my family.and i say race should never came between love. if you love this child listen to your mind and know whats right, and if your parents cannot live with that then they are sadly stuck in the past and will hopefully grow to love and enjoy this child.

Answer 19

You must live your life as it suits you, not your father.  Adopt the child and give him a loving home.  If your father, at some point, wants to be in your and your child's life, that's good, if not, your father is the one missing out.  Best of luck.