Big issue with my "best friend"?

Question

We have been best friends for 4 years now. We both know things about eachother that no one knows that sorta stuff.

Ok long story short, her and I use to hang out every weekend night and have a party, drink etc. it was a good time. I met my boyfriend and I guess he made me "mature". I stopped drinking everyweekend I stopped smoking and I quit drugs. Well ever since I met him I started to realise that my best friend is a very manipulative person.

She guilt trips me into trying to get me to come over but expects me to pay for everything. She acts all excited that im coming over than as soon as I get there she ignores me and talks to ANYONE else who is there. Well lately I felt bad for her and told her I can come over tomorrow night.

TO be honest, I regret saying that. I feel like im just going to get myself into a deep hole and even though my boyfriend says nothing I know he doesnt like the thought of me "going back" to that. Shes the type to start fights over things that never happened or things that get over exaggerated. She talks very rudely about my boyfriend and I dont want to here it. I know shes jealous that I spend all my time around him but when him and I hang out we are usally with his group of friends whom ive always become friends with.

I guess what I am asking is what should I do? I still go to school with her so telling her to eff off is only going to start bigger problems. I guess I just need some opinions and or support. Shes not exactly my "best friend" anymore but we were so close at one time there is NO way I can cut her outta my life completly. I just need some advice...

Answer 1

If she is a friend, she will listen to your concerns.  You need to tell her these things or else you can't blame her for not changing.  If she doesn't do anything..cut her loose.

Answer 2

"I just need some space to breath, it's not you, it's me."

Just kidding.

Maybe fix her up with a guy.

Or show her this question.

Answer 3

Just tell her you need some space and want to spend more time with your boyfriend.

Answer 4

write her an email telling her what  u feel

Answer 5

First of all look at yourself and think about what you are going, is there anything that your really doing wrong?

And then, keep her as a good friend but find a better more reliable best friend.

Answer 6

I think it would be better if you just eased out of the friendship.  Call less.  Do more group activities and fewer one on one activies, etc.  

Answer 7

Seems like your bf is a true genuine person..those are hard to find. Just stop hanging out with her, she will lead you down the wrong path.

Answer 8

One of my contacts has referred this question to me and I have thought long and hard on the best way to answer so here goes.

1.  Accept the fact that we all make friends for a variety of reasons to meet our many and varied needs.  Not all of our friends can meet all of them.  It seems that from the circle of friends you made at school this particular girl became your best friend for whatever reasons you decided.  You say that you used hang out with her weekends, party, drink, smoke and do drugs.  What you need to do is ask yourself did you just flow with the tide and follow her, or was it the other way round.

2.  Your boyfriend came on the scene and made you "mature" to the extent that you quit drinking, smoking and doing drugs.  This is very commendable.

3.  You have to accept that people change over time and your boyfriend has enabled you to change by quitting what I have referred to in 2. above.  Within this context you must ask yourself if these are the only reasons you used to hang around with her over the weekends.  If so then you must tell her that you no long do these things.  Tell her that since meeting your boyfriend you are doing more constructive things with your life and do not wish to go back doing those things with her.  Offer her alternatives if she wishes to remain a close friend.

4.  All friendships have to be based on trust, honesty, understanding and respect one for the other and with mutual "give and take".  When choosing our friends we need to evaluate what we can offer each other to meet those needs.  You say she guilt trips and when you meet up ignores you and expects you to pay. I'm sorry to say that very little in the way of "give and take" exists with this relationship. On the contrary it appears to be all take and no give.  I can understand that she has been in your life for 4 years and it will be extremely difficult for you to completely eliminate her and that this difficulty is further compounded by the fact that you still go to school with her and it is therefore impossible for you to avoid contact.  I would certainly avoid telling her to "eff" off as you delicately put it. What you should rather do is explain to her that whilst you were happy hanging around with her before you met your boyfriend, since then you have come to enjoy his company and that of his friends more so and this is what you want to continue doing.  Explain to her that this makes you more happy but you do not want to lose her as a friend because she means something to you.

Additionally tell her that everybody is free to pick and choose their friends.  If they do not live up to the expectations required of a true and honest friendship then is it worth continuing with that relationship?  Effectively you are turning the table on her.

5.  I can understand your boyfriend's concern and I admire him for letting you make your own decisions but you need to reassure him that nothing untoward is going to happen if you meet up with her.  Explain to him the purpose of the visit and if this is in accord with my suggestions then it may be no bad thing to show him this answer.

What you could do is discuss with your boyfriend the possibilities of your best friend joining you with him and his circle of friends.  However you need to weigh up the benefits of doing this given the fact that you consider her to be jealous that you spend all your time with him and that she speaks rudely about him.  Does she know him incidently?  You must make it clear that although she is a friend (forget the "best bit") you will not stand by and listen to her bad mouthing him.

If you've made a promise to meet up then in accord with what friendship is all about you should keep but it has to be on your terms - not hers

As far as the visit is concerned it would be a good opportunity to raise the points I have mentioned with her but you must be assertive and discuss these issues with her in private.

Evaluate the position and only you can do this as you know her but discuss things with your boyfriend first.

As  far as making excuses in concerned I do not believe this to be a good thing.  Don't make excuses - give reasons and I have already given you the basis of these.

I hope this has been of some help.  If you need any further advice on the issues I've raised and the comments I've made please feel free to email me and I may be able to help further.

Answer 9

i don't really understand your story...

Answer 10

well i have just went through something just like this without the drugs and everything, that is sso AWSOME!!! that u quite i am so happy 4 u. i think u should go over 2 her house and see what happens, and if she talks bad about ur boyfriend, u should tell her that u don't appretate her saying that. and if she just treats u bad, tell her u just want 2 take a break from her. and just see ehat happends