Biofathers...irish i hope you are reading this?

Question

i need a little help, i asked this once before and didnt get much resonse. so here it goes again

can the biofathers give me a little insight on your side of the story?

the bmother is always the forerunner of adoption stories, for obvious reasons, but i really want to hear the other side. what goes through a bfathers mind? how did it affect your life?

any input is appreciated

Answer 1

Wow, I'd be interested to hear this also.

I am also kind of confused why Irish's answer warranted thumbs down

Answer 2

Another adoptee here...lol I have been reunited with my bdad almost four years. I think his overwhelming emotion was guilt. Guilt he allowed himself to be pushed away by my bmom's family, guilt he never really tried to find her after she "went away", guilt that he was a bit relieved not becoming a dad so young, guilt that he thought records were available to me and I could find him at any time. He didnt realize that the records are sealed.

Answer 3

I am an adoptee, therefore I do not presume to speak for bdads.  Simple biology tells us that there must be as many bdads as bmoms!  However, seeing the lack of responses, I'll add what I know about my bdad.

If you count backwards from my birth date, my bparents had s*x on her 21th birthday and eloped exactly two weeks after she missed her first period.  Court records indicate that bdad saw the child as a sort of trap that put an end to his freedom.  Extended family now presume that he offered to marry her on the condition that the child would be relinquished.  They had some very real goals that would have been harder and taken longer to achieve if they had a baby around.  And, in time, they did indeed achieve those goals.  

When I searched for and found my bparnets, they were still married--decades later.  I think that their shared secret was part of what kept them together.  (They told everyone that I died during the birth.)  

Bdad told me that relinquishing me for adoption was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life.  He also said he had no idea of the ramifications that it would produce and follow them for the rest of their lives.

Bparents greatest fear was that the child they did keep, my full-blood sibling born many years after me, would discover their secret.  I didn't realize it at first, but bdad's contact was a desperate attempt to keep me away from other family members.  (Bmom had refused contact from the beginning.)  He even asked me to sign a document relinquishing my right to search for other family naming him my only point of contact.  My bdad angrily quit contact with me as soon as I contacted my bsibling.  When bsibling called our bparents for confirmation, they claimed that this was a scam.  It took a few weeks, but bparents did eventually have to confess.  Bsibling claims to be encouraging bparents to return to contact with me.  

Since I am so OK about my adoption, it was a great surprise and a heavy sadness to find them so unresolved about it.  Frankly, I believe that bparents are so unresolved about my adoption that it is highly unlikely that they will ever be able to find the strength to forgive themselves.  They complained bitterly about the "embarrassment" of having the lies of my death proven false and their secret revealed.

It is extremely difficult to find any sort of literature dedicated to bdads.  They are usually mentioned in passing in most books about adoption.  I did find one book Out of the Shadows:  Birthfathers' Stories  by Mary Martin Mason.  It is a collection of powerful individual stories.

Answer 4

Hi Rachel~

Hope you don't mind me adding my b.dad's story.  He passed away in 2000.  I met him in 1986.  

When I met my mom in 1983, she told me that her brother had gotten into a fight with my b.dad b/c he denied I was his when he first found out she was pregnant with me.  So, when I made that first phone call, I expected him to deny that he was my birth father.  

In fact, I first called his brother. I said I was a "friend" of (mom's).  He verified that the man I was about to call was indeed my birth father.  

I called to request that he fill out a medical information form for me. To my utter surprise, he said, "I'd like to meet you."  We met not long after that.  He told his wife & family about me right away. His wife was there to meet us (my family & me) & is like a 2nd mom to me to this day.

Both my parents were 21 when my mom conceived me. My b.dad asked my mom to marry him.  Oops. She 'forgot' about that detail.  When reminded, she said she didn't want him to feel trapped into marrying her, so she told him no.

My mom had no intentions of relinquishing me. I was taken away from her at 18 months old & put in foster care b/c she wasn't making much money & "living with a man to whom she was not married" (probably b/c she wasn't making much $$).  I have copies of the court records.  There was no drug use or criminal activity, no abuse or neglect. In fact, she owed my babysitter for my medical care, too.

Social services contacted her mom (my maternal grandmother) to determine if it would be a suitable placement for me, but did not contact my birth father, who by that time was married and would have gladly taken me.  

After meeting my b.dad, he often asked about my mom, & she about him.  He wanted her number & finally, I called her and told her to please call him.  The went on a "date" almost 30 years after my arrival, and remained friends until my mom passed away.  

I wish I could answer in detail how he felt. He knew I was out there. He thought I was a girl, but wasn't sure. He seemed genuinely happy to hear from me, to meet me.  I look "just like" his mother & his sister (according to him), so he knew without a doubt that I was indeed his daughter.  My son looked a lot like him (surprise! you're a grandpa too!)

Thanks for a great question! I look forward to hearing from other b.dads!

ETA: I'm with Heather~Why the thumbs down?

Answer 5

I'm obviously not a birthfather!  But, I have one and love him dearly.  We have an excellent 6 year reunion.  I know it affected him deeply as he and his wife searched for me long before I ever thought about searching.  The whole family (extended) wanted to find me, too.

The quickest sum up is when he said it felt like he had a big hole in his heart for 35 years, always wondering, "What did I do?"  Upon the first moment we saw each other the day we reunited, he held me and broke down sobbing, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."  I tried to reassure him that there was nothing for which he had to tell me he was sorry, but I know it still hurt.

So yes, it affected him deeply.

More about him can be found on my personal website:

http://www.unsealrecords.com

BTW,  I don't know why Irish would get thumbs down, either.  d**n, people.  Have a heart -- he's been through a lot. Many men have.

Answer 6

I am reading this and the story is a long one like everyone else. I have blogs on my 360 profile, but it set for friends only. If you set up a generic page, I can add you on as a friend and read my story. It's very involved Rachel. Can't put it all here in this answer. I can tell you that I never stopped thinking about her my entire life. I regret many things. I am shocked that her birth mother denied she ever even had a child. We have a great barrier between us mostly because of my wife going crazy over this and she knew about it before we got married. I have 3 sons and my daughter has been prevented from meeting them. She has some problems on her end as well, but not like on my end. We have a great relationship by phone and e-mail even though she is only 40 miles away from me and always was. On and On Rachel. You can ask me any thing you want anytime. E-mail me or IM me. My e-mail [e-mail].. See Ya......(Irish)..Ed